A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:in november i found out i was pregnant, i told my bf and he was sooooo happy, he was ready to be a man, look after me and the baby, this is something we had talked about for a long time, just felt we were too young. but then i became pregnant and we knew exactly what we were going to do, have this baby. tragically, my mum found the pregnancy test and booked me in for an abortion. we went together and before we had even left our town to go to the clinic, we both knew we wouldnt go ahead with it. instead we spent a weekend away. we returned and my mum questioned if i had gone through with it since i still had morning sickness. the truth soon came out. she told my boyfriend that it would ruin me, that i hav a bright future and would blame him for not going to uni and getting a career. he told me that in a few years times we would be ready and everything would be better then. i then got pushed into an abortion and have cried everyday since. i blamed my bf for agreeing with my mother, and i hate myself for killing my baby. i feel so lost, i feel like half the girl i was before, so much guilt i can't take it. days later my mum took me to the sexual health clinic to hav a contraceptive implant inserted so ther was no chance of this happening again.the other day he told me he wishes we could have kept the baby and its been playing on my mind. i hate my mum for forcing me into a termination. i'm so desperate to get pregnant, that i have even tried to snap the implant in my arm. my bf tells me wotever i choose to do he will be ther. should i tell my mother how i feel, or should i just go to the doctors and asked for it to be removed? id like to add i'm 18, my bf 19 and we have been together for years. why do i feel like this whilst my friends are thinking about uni and get drunk every weekend? is ther something wrong with me?will i feel this emptyness forever?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): I do not wish to answer your question, but i just want to say i know EXACTLY how you feel, im 16 and went through the exact same thing. I felt like my bf gave in to my mum's pressure, but i couldnt blame him because he is such a respectful person. You can't forget something like an abortion,so all i can say to you is try your best to move on, realise it's done so there's no need to be stuck on it, instead look towards your future, and enjoy the company around you. (My abortion therapist told me that) :)
A
female
reader, louisex_x +, writes (16 October 2009):
i once fell on love with this guy called *dan who messed me about for years i then since got with a another guy callled *tom after telling dan i was moving away and having a family he soon reised he loved me and wanted me back probally this time i was a little confussed and silly only being 18 and still sleeping with them both after all thses years of not being pregnat suddenly i was and was forced by dan and my family to have a abortion it was either have the baby and lose my house my car my job everything they said if i had it they were gone and i was out so i didnt relise how much it would effect me then run up was ok didnt really hit me the night before i cryed myself so much i passed oout holding my baby telling it i was sorry and it did nothing wrong the next day i felt nothing it didnt move or anything i felt sick pretending everything was ok as my boyfriend drove me to hospital i never got to say good bye i no how u feel everytime i swicth my facebook on or go out someone eles is pregant and im so jelouse i cry like everyother night its now 7 months ago seems like a lfe time i feel so empty so i no how u feel i dont beleve u will feel like this forever but there is certainly no answer to how long u will feel so alone , hurt and empty some people get over it in a couple of months others years some get over it when they next fall pregnat i knew a girl who used to be my friend we dont talk now but she had a miscarage soon after mine was taken from me but now she is due in feb and shes seems like nothing happend theres all these people saying o it will be alright or it was for the best yeah it might be but thats not what u want to here u just need time and comfort and for people to be on your side it wont make anything better but it might help just a bit
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female
reader, quita  +, writes (11 May 2009):
My question is I had a abortion I was forced to by my mother and im trying to have a baby now but it seem I can't my boyfriend keep nutting in me and its just not working out do you think I canrt have childs no more do you think the abortion stop meeh from having childs now
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female
reader, Mike's Kitten Lissy +, writes (12 June 2008):
 hi, i am in the same situation as you. I am 17 and my boyfriend hasjust turned 19. We have been together for 2 years nerly. I got pregnant december 2007 and found out on January 4th 2008. My boyfriend and i had been discussing how we wanted a family one day and marraige. We were both shocked and scared but really wanted to keep the baby. (i will say i was on the pill when i got pregnant i wasnt just having unprotected sex). Anyway i come from a very.....lets say..... obsessed with the 'family reputation' sort of family. I go to an all girls private school and my grandparents think im a virgin. My sister had a baby in december, she is 22 but she had only been with her boyfriend a month when she got pregnant. So when i told my mum the 1st thing she said is, ' you are having an abortion arent you?'. at this point my heart was pounding, i couldnt turn for my boyfriend for help because he wasnt there as he is in the army and was away for the week. Over the next few days my mother was trying to persuade me to abort the baby and her and my sis would ring me saying, ' it will kill your grandparents if they find out'. i felt as if i had the choice between killing my baby or my grand parents. My boyfriend was furious with them. My school said i could stay at d school and finish my alevels for the next yr and a half and would also help with finding a university with child care. However my mother was stil not satisfied. In the end my hormones were everywhere and before i knew it i was booke din and was sitting in the clinic with my sister for my initial apointment. Mike couldnt be there as it was a week day. They booked me in for the friday after for my 1st tablet. Mike booked the time off to coem with me for support but he cried the whole time and was begging me not to do cause he knew i didnt want to. The next day i went back for the next tablet bt my boyfriend refused to go, so i went with mum but mike turned up at last minute with tears streaming down his face. I wil never forget that look on his face as the nurse walked me down to the 'room where it all happened'. As i came out after they ahd inserted the pills i was crying. And mike looked at me trying to be strong. My mum just had no emotion on her face. Within half an hour i was in agony and was bledding more than i should have been. I got rushed into hospita;and was kept in over night. My boyfriend was so angry that not only had i killed his baby but i had got hurt in the process. we argued and we finished. so then i ahd lost the 2 things i loved most in the world. My mum then banned em from seeing him and made me have the implant in my arm.
We have recently got back together and have been meeting secretely against my mums will. I made the 1st step the other day when i told my mum i was going to see him after he had a motorbike crash. now i have to tell that i am back with him. I just wish i had the other thing i lost back aswell and thats my baby. I want my implant taken out aswell. Mike is currently looking for an apartment, however il b 18 in 2 n alf months and if we are married we get military accomodation. I know my mum wil hate this. I dont normally rebel against her but i hate her for what she did. I went against my morals about abortion because i was 2 scared to stand up for what i wanted. Im still too scared. But i know i want this chip out my arm and i know i want a baby and i know i want mike more than anything in the world. If you ever wanna chat just email me
[email address blocked] i hope you are getting on better and i would liek to know what you have done about counsellign etc and if you have had the chip out. All my love alicia xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): awww hun i know how you feel youll feel like this fo a little while but things will get better and in time youll be ready to try again for a baby your mum is lookin out for you and not wanting you to ruing your chance of getting a good carer you have a good and caring bf there and you seem to love him as much as he loves you, thing will work out hun i know its hard as i have been there myself but it will work out hun
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): If I were you I would forgive the bf as he is showing remorse. But I would tell the mother to shove her small-minded opinions up her ass so she can about them too.
I would then refuse to speak to her ever again until she changed her mindset.
Anyone who would force an abortion on someone and go so far as to manipulate the thing, is not worth having in your life and it would be best if you get as far away from her as possible.
If YOU and your BF want a baby, your mother has no say whatsoever at all.
Once you are pregnant. You must devote everything, every breath every moment, into making sure that baby has the best life you are capable of providing. Otherwise you might as well put a gun to its head and pull the trigger, and I'm betting you couldn't do that.
Abortion for any other case but medical reasons is murder, cold and simple. And no decent human being would willingly undertake the procedure unless that child would die a slow and painful death otherwise.
Flynn 24
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): You must be a very strong person to have gone through this,Your mother must have thought she was doing the right thing by taking you to get an abortion,but if you are finacally and emotionaly ready for a baby and you think you can support it then you should get the implant removed,by the sound of it i think you would be a great mother,but have you acomplished everythng you want in your life?Once you have a baby thats nearly twenty years of not just you its you and your child but at the end of the day it's yours and your boyfriends decision
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Since everyone is different and handles things differently, there's no way to know if you'll feel this way forever. What I can tell you is that I had an abortion 5 years ago, and I am over it. I mean, I feel bad that it happened, but I don't regret it. I learned from it, which is what you should do and definetly DO NOT get pregnant again yet. Some people hold onto things forever, and some can move on as if it didn't even happen. I was upset and sad but I knew logically it was the best decision for me and everyone else involved. Now I have a 10 month old and I am due next month to have another baby. 2 girls. I am a stay at home mom and my husband supports us. The guy who's baby I aborted turned out to be physically and mentally abusive and he can't get a job or keep a job. So I really am glad that I didn't have the baby. If you feel so bad right now, go get some counseling. Try not to be mad at your mom, she does just want the best for you and your future.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 I urge you to get counselling and support, poster. See what the anonymous agony aunt said about her own grief. You don't want that to happen to you.
And my sympathies to you, anonymous agony aunt, too. I wish I could cast a spell to put an end to your pain. I know it's not that simple. And I know ful were you were really forced. You're not responsible, dear.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Sorry for your situation.But I think you'll get over it.We're all biologically programmed to REALLY want kids whether they're a good thing for our lives at the time or not. The decision to get an abortion usually isn't about deciding you don't want the child. It's usually the decision that no matter how much you want the child, you know you are in no position to give the child the early life it needs so baldly in order to have a good life. The decision doesn't always come out clean and easy without any emotional consequences. But that doesn't mean it's wrong one. Having and raising a child will have emotional consequences every single day for the rest of your life. Even if the child had not lived to term or been stillborn you still would have had emotional pain surrouding it all. Once you got pregnant, there was never any possible outcome that would have left you without any emotional pain at all.
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female
reader, xapathyxrebornx +, writes (12 February 2008):
 Danielepew hit the nail on the head there 5* answer to be honest. he is right in all the advice he gave =] x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): My mother forced me to have an abortion when I was 16. It is easy for others to say that she couldnt have forced me but at that age I really felt I had no choice. I am now 40 years old and still think of it every day. Mt first child was premature and has cerebal palsey and i had to have a hysterectomy at 32. I blame both on the abortion, alomg with my depression and suicide attempts because I did not know there was counseling for abortion related depression. I suggest you get help and ask your mother to pay for it. Before you even think of getting pregnant again also have a medical, just in case.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (12 February 2008):
First of all, my deepest sympathies to you. And there's nothing wrong with you. You have been through a lot.
Abortion is a very difficult subject, very likely to start a heated debate. I'm afraid that we could end up discussing abortion instead of your problem. So I will be very careful.
I will state, from the very beginning, that, unless I have misunderstood the issue, people debate whether abortion is right or wrong, and whether mothers should be allowed to choose, but no one debates whether a mother has the right to keep her baby. And no one says that anyone but the mother should have the right to decide whether she will keep her baby or not.
And, though I would be quick to agree that 18 years of age is not exactly a time when you're an adult, I understand that, when you become 18, the law recognizes you as an adult.
I see this problem as a matter of rights. Did the mother have the right to force her daughter to an abortion? Does she have a right to force her to use contraceptives?
To me, the problem is very simple: you clearly wanted to keep the baby, but your mother forced you to have an abortion. You envisioned a family with your boyfriend, she didn't. And then, she is making her own decision whether you should be having children or not. Sorry; this is not for her to decide. And you're right to feel bad about it. And you're also right to feel bad about the abortion.
I agree with your mother in one point: at your young age, having children is not convenient. Children bring a lot of responsibility and duties that an 18 year old most likely is not ready to take up. Your mother is also right in suspecting that perhaps the boyfriend wouldn't be that happy with the baby after some time, and that maybe you would be left all alone to look after the baby. All that said, it was not for her to decide whether you would have the baby or not.
All parents are concerned about their children having sex, as it can have unintended outcomes. That said, I don't think that your mother has any right to decide that you won't be getting pregnant again. Again, that's for you to decide.
I think your boyfriend is at fault, too. It was his child you were expecting, not your mother's. I understand that your mother has power over you, but I don't see how she has it over him. I will speculate a little: his reason might be that he didn't want that child, either. Or, he was taken by surprise, just as you were. But he is at fault.
I am fully with you in this. It was your child, and it was your pregnancy, and it's your decision whether you want to become pregnant or not.
Of course, I have to add that there are responsibilities, too. If you want the freedom, you need to become responsible for that freedom. However, this can never be construed to mean that you won't have sex.
Now, I very seriously recommend that you don't become pregnant at this time. First, because you're too young to have babies. Second, and most important, because I'm sure you're out of emotional balance at this time. I don't want to think how confused and hurt you must be at this moment.
I know this will sound awful, but if I were you, I wouldn't become pregnant by that boyfriend again. The reason is very simple, and doesn't have anything at all to do with whether abortion is right or wrong: You wanted to keep the baby and he agreed to the abortion. In clear words: he didn't want the baby, dear. I can only speculate, but maybe he thinks he was saved by the bell this time. Not many young men want a child at 19. Of course he will say he wishes you had kept the baby. Would he have the nerve to say otherwise in your presence?
So, in summary:
You're right in feeling so sad.
Your mother shouldn't have made the decision for you and your boyfriend.
It's for you to decide whether you will have a contraceptive implant or not. If you decide you don't want to use one, go to the doctor and have it removed. And then tell your mother you did. Sorry, you need to stand your ground this time.
No, PLEASE DON'T BECOME PREGNANT. It might seem contradictory with my saying that the implant is your decision, but please, DON'T BECOME PREGNANT. The time is not right, the person isn't right, either, and you're not in the right conditions to be a mother. Your feeling of emptiness won't go away if you become pregnant.
Your mother isn't a monster. She did what she thinks right for you. She believes you shouldn't be having children at this time, which, frankly, I believe, too, but she went too far. These were no longer her decisions.
I think you need a lot of support, perhaps a lot more than what we can offer here. It would be good if you found a support group to help you with this. If you don't really deal with this, it will hurt forever, and that wouldn't be right. I see this happened in November, and we're in February. I can't imagine what you have been through if you come to us until now. You need help, perhaps from a professional.
You need to think carefully about all these events that have afflicted you, and you need to draw good lessons from them. The first lesson you need to draw is that you can't live forever in pain. I understand your feeling bad about your baby. I don't think, however, that your life should be destroyed by that. You need to be a happy person again.
Another lesson I see here is that you need to become fully independent, financially and emotionally. You need to study a career and work on your own, so you can call your own shots. This is not to say that it was right for your mother to decide for you, just because you're not fully independent now.
I'm not sure if I would be the right person for this, but, if you want to talk to me, please do.
My deepeste sympathies to you.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (12 February 2008):
 No, you will not feel this emptiness forever. Just for awhile. You have gone through a tragic situation but take heart. You are still young. You have your whole life ahead of you, and believe me there will be plenty of time to have another baby when you can support your child on your own. I am guessing that you still live at home with your parents. Perhaps you are even still attending school or college. My advise is to put this ordeal behind you, and focus on finishing school, getting a degree that will enable you to earn good money. When that's done, you and your b/f can move out together, get your own place, maybe even plan a wedding and then have a baby the right way. By then you'll both be able to support the child and give it the type of home it will need in order to grow up healthy and strong. So for now, do not remove your birthcontrol device, just focus on the tasks that you need to take of in life first -- finishing school, securing a job, and then you and your b/f can plan a life together and have as many children as you want and can afford. Best of luck to you both!
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