A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have 2 classmates that annoy me to no end. I'm not the only one who feels this way; they're basically outcasts to the class. Now, I used to be bullied when I was in highschool. Not the usual stuff everyone deals with some time in their lives, but real misery. So I know what it's like not to fit in and not being liked. So when I started my education at Uni, I was determined to not ever let anyone be treated anyway near the vicinity I was. Now at my third year I find myself joining on the gossip surrounding the two classmates and rolling my eyes when they speak. To give you an idea what they're like (which is of course a one-sided interpretation):Apologies in advance for the length.Classmate #1 (I'll call her Sarah) craves attention. The moment she walked into class the first thing everyone noticed was that she was very tiny (4'11) and very, very thin with bony arms and skin that looked like paper. She sat next to me and pulled up her sleeves so I could get a good look at the collection of scars littering her arms. They are enormous, obviously from deep cutting herself. She also has images (little stars and something that looks like a voodoo doll) carved into her skin. She then proceeded to tell me that she was institutionalized from age 18-23 and that she was anorexic since she was 11 (she's 26 now.) That was in the first day I met her. At first I was sympathetic; she was obviously a person with a lot of issues but not afraid to talk about it and clear up the confusion that always arises when one takes in her appearance. After that, the sympathy started turning into irritation. She started showing up late for class with strange explanations (had to drop off a bottle of whiskey at 9am....ummm hello?) and when she asked a question it had been answered just moments before by the teacher. For a creative writing class we had she would give strange critiques on other classmates' material that was shown, and often her comments had nothing to do with the subject. When having to team up with her for group assignments, she would often do nothing and when I confronted her she would guilt trip me with stories about her anorexia. Every time during break she would go to the teacher to talk about her assignments, going on for a long time. After class she would do the same so that those of us who had questions as well didn't get the chance because it took so long. There are more things like this. Classmate #2: I'll call her Mandy: the problem with her is not so much her personality (she has none, she goes with everyone's opinion) but the fact her work is not up to standard. She has a horrible grasp of the language and her work is always littered with grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Also the structure of her sentences is off. When suddenly handing in work that is good, someone found out it was plagiarized and she got suspended for 3 months. When doing big assignments for her portfolio, even the teachers tell her the work she did is horrible. She has had to redo every portfolio assignment she ever did. She also keeps getting bad grades on tests. So why is she still here at the third year of Uni? Well, she found a teacher who had sympathy for her. When she was about to get kicked off from Uni because of all the multiple failed tests and assignments, she asked him to look at her failed assignments and he graded them all above average and she could stay--while multiple teachers had deemed her work inadequate before! Maybe it's petty but after 3 years of hard work on my part and seeing that she's still here by handing in work a 5 year old kid could have made, I'm starting to doubt the quality of the Uni. So...that's it. I don't treat them badly while in class--I try to remain as neutral as possible-- but when classmates complain about them and ask for my opinion I often join in. I hate myself for doing it but it's hard to stop because somewhere I do feel they deserve the flak they get. What to do? I tried talking to them about it face to face, but Sarah always breaks down and starts talking about her issues and Mandy keeps saying that her work is legit when I know it's hampering my grades when I'm doing a group assignment with her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011): If someone's behavior negatively impacts you, then you have a right to talk about it to someone else. That's not gossip, it's the truth. And who else would be sympathetic and understanding but someone who also knows the person in question and has also been negatively impacted by them.for example now at work I"m working on a project with two other people. Coworker#1 and I work very well together. we get things done and on time. Coworker#2 is a slacker. He does not follow through on what he says he will do or what is assigned to him. As a result Coworker#1 and I have to work overtime to pick up his slack. Is it wrong for Coworker#1 and I to privately vent to each other about our frustrations with Coworker#2? I don't think so. By the way, it's not like we never say anything to Coworker#2, we have each individually told him in private to please do his job so we don't have to do it for him. but our venting stays between us, we don't go around telling other people who have no business knowing about it, our frustrations with Coworker#2. It's just unrealistic to expect people NOT to talk to anyone when they are being negatively impacted by other people. being negatively impacted by someone is stressful and holding in that stress by not talking about it - and who else would be sympathetic except other people who know them as well - is unhealthy. now the difference is if you're making up stuff about someone, or spreading bad (even though true) information for no reason or for malicious purposes or telling it to people who otherwise don't know and have no reason to know. Or if the person you're talking about really has not negatively impacted you in any way.
A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (1 October 2011):
I think "You Wish" stated it best and I concur. Focus on the task at hand... graduating. All of this is petty nonsense, especially your position and how you want to take sides. Really...put your big boy pants on and be an adult. If something has nothing to do with you live your life and focus on your purpose. Do not get caught up in other people trivial matters such as gossiping, it will indeed follow right to graduation and into some job where you will still exhibit those traits and out the door you'll go. It's poor performance if you can't work or study around nuisance and get your job done. So a word of advice ignore everyone, except the one you're paying to educate you. Joining in on unproductive conversations can also backfire. What if your supervisor gives you hell along with the rest of your coworkers and a colleague comes to you venting expressing their dislike of the supervisor and someone overhear the conversation and report it to the supervisor. Now look what youre in. It's always good to focus on whatever it is you're there for be it school or work. As for group work, do your part and if the others don't contribute then do the chain of command with professor, dean of college, president of academic affairs, etc. As for classmate number two: are you kidding to even be worried about her issues that you would inconvenience yourself and others by even posting this...need I say more.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 October 2011):
 You are no longer in high school. You're in the university. You have one goal -- to make your grades and choose your career path. The petty gossipping and bullying and stuff should have ended with high school.
If any student is making it hard for you to make your grades, then if you're partnered in a group assignment, you ask the teacher to be switched.
Otherwise, what difference does it make how they are? You're not there to play petty classroom politics or get distracted by irritating people. You are there to get a job done.
Ignore this Sarah, and after the group assignment, ignore this Mandy. Ignore the other classmates picking on them. Why roll your eyes around them? Who cares! Get your work done, graduate, and get on with your adult life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): You don't have to feel guilty about not liking these two girls. And yeah, they sound annoying if you had to work directly with them, but why spend so much energy diagnosing their problems?
Regarding Sarah, you can tell her that her attention seeking behavior is irritating and it's more irritating that she never does anything about it. Tell her she's an emotional drain. That might sound harsh, but you might actually be helping her because it sounds like she's used to intimidating people into feeling sorry for her. Sometimes disillusionment is painful, but very helpful in the long run. Being honest isn't being a bully.
Regarding Mandy, you can request that you work with a person other than Mandy. I had to do that when I got stuck with a lousy group partner in university. It can require a lot of honest in and 3-way conference with them and the prof. but it's not bad. In my case, the partner apologize a year later to me after the fact for not pulling his own weight.
Can I ask what you were bullied for in the past?
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