A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:long story short ....my partner of 7 years asked me to marry him..problem is im not ready to get married to anyone and I declind his proposal.I feel really awful about the situation..I didn't say no because I don't love him it's just I'm not ready and don't feel that I want to marry someone when i'm 25 years old and only just started a career. I feel getting married would be moving too fast.I would rather go on a romantic holiday with him and travel places with him and have fun rather then spending money on getting married.I always felt that if I was to marry anyone...I would know in my heart thats who I want to commit the rest of my life with and have kids and all that stuff...but in my heart I know i'm not ready to make that decision just yet.I told him all this and that I do love him very much.I don't think his taken it well..his already returned the ring and his been drinking heavily and I know his worked really hard last couple of months...probably to afford the ring. I just feel like a awful person...I dont want him to leave me over this or be hurt.he said it was ok and not to worry about it but i'm worried about his drinking and emotional state. can anyone give me advice on how to handle the situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): Let me be very blunt here. If you're not ready to commit to marriage after 7 years together, you're simply not in love. Real love that is. As you said, you have only been in one relationship; a relationship with an older male. 1. "iv never really experienced being a single person as an adult or been in a relationship with any other person and I want to make sure 100% in my heart he is the one". Why aren't you single then? Why not date several men to see what you like? To taste life so to speak and figure out whether or not you're really compatible or in love with your current partner? Do you think another year, or two, or three will shed clarity on whether or not you should be with him? I hate to say this, but that's not how relationships work. Time doesn't solve anything in situations like these. If anything, you're just wasting your time with an on-and-off again boyfriend. You sound like an inexperienced, sheltered young woman, who needs to be single and explore the world. Grow a pair of balls and dump this man. Enjoy your new career and find the answers and clarity when it comes to relationships through new experiences with new people.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question I will admit the relationship has not been great for the full 7 years we have been together...iv lost count on how many times we have broken up and got back together (him dumping me).its only be the last 12 months the relationship has been a happy one.
he and I started dating when I was very young, his the only man iv been with and the only person iv had a relationship with.
he on the other hand is older than I and has had several long term relationships....so I guess what I'm trying to say is that iv never really experienced being a single person as an adult or been in a relationship with any other person and I want to make sure 100% in my heart he is the one I want to commit the rest of my life too.
I feel that I am still very young to be making a huge commitment dicision like this is and I feel its not the right time, iv only just got this career and many other life changing things have happen to me in the last 12 months, to get married is very overwhelming.
and just because iv been with him 7 years doesnt mean I never will want to marry him,its just marriage is not something iv actually thought much about and I actually remeber several years go during a fight that he said to me he would never marry me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): You can't make a huge commitment like marriage just to keep your partner happy. You have to do it cos you want to.
For his part he probably thinks you can't see him in your future - you have just started a career and he probably feels marriage would secure the bond with you,your lifes moving forward and he wants to be in it.He made a huge decision to propose,and you said no,not yet..he's going to hurt - after 7yrs he probably thought you were ready.
You can still travel have romantic holidays etc when your married a wedding can be cheap! But if its not what you want then explain,you love him now, are happy with things as they are.But if you aren't sure after 7yrs then I would say you will never marry him.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (12 August 2011):
Hi there. If you aren't ready for marriage, you're not ready.
You probably need to sit down and talk about it more with him, so he fully understands it. In other words, talk in more detail.
At the moment, he seems to be taking it as a rejection, so he does feel a bit hurt and unappreciated.
He's taken it personally.
You can't change how you feel, so it's a case of helping him to understand why you feel the way you do.
If you can communicate this to him clearly, well then at least he'll understand where you're coming from.
The key is to be completely honest with him, when you do.
You need to tell him everything you have said here, but in much more detail, so he fully understands.
If you don't do this, he might just decide to end it with you altogether. Then you might never see him again.
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