A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is an extrovert, and I'm used to being around people. We have discussed this before and come to a compromise that I feel works nicely, he gets a minimum of two nights to himself a week, although recently it's been three. We also don't spend full days together, I work full time as a store manager so I have a very full schedule. The only day off together we have is Tuesday, although he only has to work for a hour on Fridays and I have Fridays off, so we typically spend most of the day together on Fridays, plus the one or two days that I work early enough in the day. Otherwise, we're apart. He only works two or three hours a day, so the rest of the time doing whatever he needs to. I really like to spend my days off with him at some point during the day, because I really don't have much other time between work and other commitments. He recently moved out of his moms house and in to his friends, and his friend is a home body. I haven't seen him since Wednesday morning, so I was expecting to see him today like we normally do. Apparently his roommate went out of town, and then he proceeds to tell me that he wants the house to himself tonight, and we could hang out tomorrow. I told him that I'm usually very tired after work on Saturdays and I'd really rather see him today, and while I really want to respect his need for space and try yo accommodate that as much as possible, it really means an lot to me that I see him on my days off because I'm so pressed for time. He then told me that basically, he NEEDED this time away because his roommate is home so much, and we would see each other on Saturday. I couldn't help but feel very rejected and upset, especically because I feel like I'm being punished for his roommate being home all the time. I really try to respect his need for space, because I know he needs it to be happy, but now I just can't help but feel that my emotions and well being don't matter. Am I overreacting?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 May 2013):
 Yes, a bit .
You see him regularly Tuesdays and Fridays , plus one or two days more a week. There's no rule that says two people MUST spend all their free time together, and , in fact, I wonder... when do you get time for yourself ? To do girlie things, or to take care of your health and beauty, to hang out with your family, to pursue some personal interest or passion ? I am not sure it's even healthy when all your social / emotional needs gravitate around only one person, and he is your only source of companionship and entertainment.
Moral, to me it does not seem like he is neglecting you or taking you for granted, it sounds a rather normal schedule and arrangement. Then again, you are the one dating him,not me, and if you have to end up feeling frustrated , deprived or longing for more , I guess you'd have : a ) renegotiate your together time, speak up and tell him clearly that you need more from him, and see if he can / want cut a few hours off his other engagements or b ) accept that you are not compatible as for closeness need and move on to someone else more aligned with your dating style..
As for feeling that your needs and well being are not considered, because he did not want to see you on Friday ( but offering you at once the alternative of meeting up on Saturday ), well, isn't it exactly the same for him ? Suppose that, just to keep the peace, he had yelded to your request of spending Friday together because for YOU Friday works better than Saturday, should not he feel that his needs ( for enjoying a night all to himself in peace and quiet ) are not heard and come second to YOUR need to have things the way it works best for you ?
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