A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Where do I begin... I've been with a man now for a year (we live 40 min. apart)... but for the last 2-3 months now we've been fussing quite a bit. It's usually over a couple of things. 1. he wants me to do oral ALL THE TIME! and I don't want to all the time. He thinks that I'm weird or that something is wrong with me because I'm not turned on all the time. (he has actually tried to force my head down there.) and he pouts if he doesnt get his way. 2. He tells me about every girl that checks him out, asks him out, or flirts.. or what have you. But.. when I do talk about the guys checking me out he gets mad and says, "Well, maybe you should go try it out." then tells me he's not jealous. Might I add he has been married and has a child and although, him and his ex do not get along and can not talk without fussing... he thinks it's okay for me to go to the pick ups with him and not be bothered. That I should accept that he's been married and has a child because I love him. (I have never been married and do not have children) but when I talk to him about how it does bother me that he's been married before and that I don't want to talk about his ex wife, which is frequently because he can't stand her or the way he treats his child... he gets upset with me and hangs up on me. Which, he does all the time! He tells me that I'm a selfish bitch and hangs up. (and breaks up with me)(tells me too, that I need to grow up) Then calls me a few hours later or the next day telling me how much he is in love with me and doesnt want to lose me. That all he wants is for me to understand and that he needs support. Which, I more than give enough of! you see I love this man more than words can explain! It just tears me up talking about his ex. When I talk about my past with him... he gets mad and wants to do something to get them fired or mess with them some way.3. He gets mad at me when I talk to my mom and sister which, although, they are my family are my bestfriends... about the things that bother me. He says that his life is not an open book for me to talk about with my family. Yet, if he has a problem.. it's ok to talk about me to his friends and mom and sisters. I tell him that I can't keep things closed up inside.. that it feels better to get it out... but he still gets upset with me. He doesn't come around my family that much but I'm expected to drive to his parents house which is an hour and a half away to visit his family and child on the weekends of his visitations. but he thinks it okay, since he pays for my gas. Which, I'm grateful of. 4. We fuss over who comes to see who more. He thinks that he has came to me more. I don't think this is true. I used to always be on the road every weekend for him. Which is when we see each other the most. he also, tells me I'm ungrateful for everything he does for me or buys me.he's always asking me if I think I'm settling or selling myself short. I don't think this in the least little bit. He is a wonderful man with a big heart. Very generous, he would give the shirt off of his back to people. Would give me anything I asked for... but I don't ask for anything. I just want his love and appreciation. He means more to me than sex and who comes to see who more. You see I think sex is something special that is an additive. My love for him goes further than sex. I feel he is a completion to my life. but when I try to explain this to him he doesn't understand, he just tells me that a marriage is based around sex. Which, probably is true but I feel if and when we get married... we will have time for sex. I want to add that I too fuss back with him. I try to hurt his feelings back.. because he hurts mine so much. I know this is not the right thing to do.. I just don't know how to cope with it. My question is... Am I selfish, immature, or any of the above?
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (11 October 2008):
 Trying on purpose to hurt someone back isn't a very loving gesture, you would have to admit. You ALSO can't change his past, you simply have to accept that he had one. You certainly can't totally ignore the fact that he will always have a child, so you have to make a point of dealing with the fact that he has an ex-wife too, and she will always be the child's mother. The fact that you talk with your mother and sister is probably normal, but if you want to make a relationship that is respected by YOUR family, you are going to have to be judicious about the things that you tell them. Let me put it another way, once you are married, you are expect to cleave onto your spouse and put them first, forsaking all others. You have to present yourself as a united front to all other people. If you are constantly complaining to them about this guy, how can you expect them to see him as the wonderful man that you adore? You can't! You can't have it both ways. As far as him mentioning that he is being checked out, at least, he is telling you instead of slipping phone numbers into his pocket. The best thing to do there is the same thing he does to you, act like it doesn't bother you, or just walk away, laughing. Make him feel that it doesn't matter to you. Guys aren't too fond of clingy girls. I just read "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov. You should read about how to play things a bit cooler, so you don't have to feel like YOU are chasing him all the time, and take back half of the power in your relationship. He sure should not be demanding any sexual favors that he isn't willing to give in return, at the same time, and if he feels that he should be able to do that, you haven't put your foot down. No woman does this on cue, when her guy asks, every time, and if you give in to this, he won't even appreciate that you are doing him a big favor. Sex should always be a mutual pleasure, and if it's not, it should be YOUR decision, not this. There are a few things that you discussed that you are going to have to accept, but his isn't one of them. You should really read that book, it has a lot of advice that might help you out. Good luck, Dear.
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