A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Here's my situation:I've been officially dating this guy for a little less than a month, though we've been together for about a month and a half... When we first met we instantly clicked! I couldn't take my eyes off of him, and from what everyone was telling me he might have been acting the same way. When I got the courage to tell him how I felt about him (I told him that night, which is something I have never done before!) he told me he felt the same way.... BUT, there was another girl that he has been trying to go out with for about 4 years. This girl was nice, but very manipulative and he didn't feel that he could trust her. They weren't together at the time and she had originally told him she didn't think it was going to work out and have remained good friends since. So in the end, he and I got together and have been happy ever since.Enter the unneeded drama. ON MY BIRTHDAY (yesterday) he gets a text a little after midnight telling him that she was upset and something about a song being posted on Facebook. The song? Winner Takes It All from Mamma Mia. She tells him she is upset and thinks she made a mistake and that she hasn't been single for this long yada yada yada. He calms her down and it seems like she's alright, but he's not. They are friends and she made him feel (I'm literally sitting in the same room with him and she is sending him all this shit) like he is the culprit for all her woes. He is visibly upset and what can I do about it? Nothing. Except play this thought in my head "I can't believe she is doing this to him" "nice try biatch" "I know for a fact that if he had went with her, I would NEVER pull this crap on him. That's ridiculous!" Mind you, he felt it was ridiculous as well. Did I mention he's called her psycho before? After all of this shit, he gets another text later in the evening from her asking him to spend the weekend with him AT THE FUCKING BEACH. First off, he's been telling me ever since this that he hates the beach, but he's going to go because they are friends. Secondly, I swear this girl knows by now about me and that it's my birthday. Yes, que the paranoia. Here's where I need help:I trust this man with my heart from heaven to hell and back, but I can't trust her whatsoever. Should I be worried that something will happen?? I don't want to lose him :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo here's how everything worked out:
I did voice my concerns to him. This was after he told me that she changed the plans and wanted to go to a party with him instead. This was also after the misunderstanding that he had said he wanted to see her that Friday to talk, just talk. She was the one making the other plans, but he wanted to talk to her anyways. When I finally broke down and told him, he did get defensive about it, mostly because he felt I didn't trust him. He knows now that she is a "soft spot" with me, and has made a comment or two about it, which automatically puts me on the defensive.
The most important thing to know about this story is that he never went. He claimed it was due to gas money, but also told me he didn't want to go to a party with her in the first place. I'm happy he didn't go, and we seem to be doing alright. We are now closer to 2 months, and I'm still as happy as I was before.
Thank you guys for all of your advice. It really did give me the final push I needed to talk to him about it. He and I have always been honest with each other and it was good for us to talk about this... at least I think so...
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 March 2012):
 If it takes him a while to get over it, he shouldn't be dating other people. He shouldn't have contact with her. She's not a friend! She's a love interest!
You've been dating less than a month. Right now, your relationship is just beginning. Don't trust some guy you don't know yet! If he's still having contact with a love interest, you are exposed to getting hurt by him. Make no mistake...as much as denial would have you say "I trust him but not her", he is the only guy you must focus on, and if he has feelings and contact, you can not trust him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2012):
 Sorry honey, you are being naive, he is NOT just trying to be nice. You do go off with another girl to the beach for the week-end while you GF sits at home...
I think you rationalizing black into white, making HIM look good and her looking bad, when if fact he CATERS to her whims.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2012):
 You don’t really know him yet do you?
He’s going to the beach for the weekend with a girl who he is friends with? He’s with you on a Saturday night taking texts from another girl?
He doesn’t feel he can trust her but he’s going to the beach with her and takes her texts while on a date with you….
And honey you can’t lose what you don’t have and if he’s so wrapped up with her you don’t have him.
Let him go….. tell him to enjoy and expect that he will come home and tell you either
a. Nothing happened. (which is probably a lie) or
b. He and her are a couple now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your input :)I should note that yes, I do know he has feelings for her. I know this makes me seem really stupid, but the way he described it to me is that he falls hard and fast and it takes a while to get out of it. He's told me multiple times he doesn't think he can trust himself, of which I've told him just as many times that I can trust him, and he's proven to me that he can be trustworthy. Mind you, he said this at the very beginning of the relationship and when he saw her last it was before we were officially dating. Even so there was nothing that should have caused any alarm other than a kiss. I swear this is not as bad as it seems!! I don't want to tell him that he can't go because I feel like that will make me a jealous needy girlfriend, something that I really am trying hard not to be. She is making it worse for sure, but nonetheless, I don't think I could bring myself to tell him this because I told him I trust him. As for the "psycho" comment he made, he made it that night, and has (again) told me he can't trust her. BUT they have been friends for 4 years, so that would be why I wasn't AS upset about it originally. I don't want him to go. At all. I think that she is crossing the line with this one. The only way I'm rationalizing any of this is that I would be ok with him going to the beach for the weekend with his guy friends or even other girls, why shouldn't I be ok with this? He and I have been 100% honest with each other since the moment we met, and yet when it comes to her, I can't bear to tell him what I really think. Again, I must sound like a stupid little girl, I just don't understand what the hell is going on in HER head. He is just trying to be friendly to her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2012):
You can't trust your BF or her.
I know he makes he out to be the bad person, but really look at his actions. He was WITH you for your birthday but still spend a long time calming her down because an ABBA song freaked her out, really? And then he is off to the beach for the week-end with her?
Sorry, he is using you to get to her. At least that is how it seems.
I think your BF and her deserve each other and you deserve a guy who is 100% focused on you and not his crush/"friend".
After only a months and a half you have all THIS drama? I would seriously cut my losses and move on. He isn't over her and she isn't over manipulating him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 March 2012):
If I haven't said it before, they can't be "friends" if he's had feelings for her. That's out of bounds!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 March 2012):
Nothing else matters except this:
"BUT, there was another girl that he has been trying to go out with for about 4 years"
That's all that matters! If he's got you, why has *he* been trying to go out with her?? He's calling her "psycho" because she turned him down, and now she wants a good ego stroking from him because she knows he's smitten by her.
Do not trust either of them if any word that comes out of his mouth isn't "I'm cutting off all contact with her" and then follows up with a text to her telling her to delete his number, that he has a girlfriend and doesn't want to talk anymore.
If she truly was a "psycho", why doesn't he block her? Why doesn't he tell her to leave him alone??
Simple. His calling her "psycho" is partly sour grapes because he wanted her, and partly to try and throw you off.
He's not over her. Don't trust either one of them unless he takes actual steps to cut her off and cut her out of his life.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 March 2012):
 I dont understand this- your Bf calls her a psycho, yet he is upset when she makes him look like the bad guy and he agrees to go to the beach even though he apparently hates it there. Something doesnt quite add up...why is he going out of his way just to please some psycho "friend"?
And its not just a few hours, its a weekend trip! Nope, not happening. There is no need to rush to the woman at her beck and call, by abandoning you completely. You are the girlfriend, she's not! If anyone should be getting this instant attention, its you, not her!
By pandering to her ego in this way, not only is he showing her that he is available and still has feelings for her, but he is also giving her the license to continue acting like a spoilt kid. Which means, that every time she feels "low", she will run to your boyfriend and demand some "alone time" with him.
IMO he should not go for the trip, no way in hell. There is absolutely no need to give that woman any kind of attention, and your BF should stand up to her and tell her that he is not responsible for her happiness and neither is he any culprit in her woes. If she continues to think so, she can, but he is out of this. It is not his job to be arm-twisted to pacify her whenever she wants.
If he still insists on going, make one thing clear. If he goes, then you go with him. If you are not free this weekend, then he can schedule the trip according to YOUR convenience and can meet up with her then.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (26 March 2012):
 No you can't trust the girl, but it takes two to tango.
What I don't understand is- he's called her a psycho, therefore he thinks she's a psycho, and she makes him upset as you've indicated, so what is his reasoning for going to the beach?
I know you said "because they are friends," but I'm not sure if that is justifiable.
Voice your concerns to him. Tell him how you've seen how upset he gets talking to her, and you're worried that she will make it worse if he does go on this trip. Just be honest about it. Tell him you're concerned for him, and that she's making you uncomfortable by inviting your boyfriend to a weekend trip. Tell him you trust him, but that you don't trust her. Remember to not sound accusatory, just voice your concerns.
See how he reacts to this. If he gets all defensive, I'd consider it a red flag and that he's got feelings for this girl. If he appreciates your concerns, and is receptive to your concerns, then it sounds like you can trust him.
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