A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my partner for almost six years and we’re currently expecting our first baby, due in July.For a while now he’s been taking his phone everywhere with him, even if he is just going to the toilet/puts the bins out/make a cup of tea, he puts it in his pocket instead of leaving it lying around. I never thought anything more as I trust him and he’s always showing me love and affection, we’re due to become parents and I couldn’t be happier. However, recently he’s been locking it when I am near him and won’t let me use it at all. I asked if I could use it as mine had no battery, he wouldn’t let me unless he did it for me. I took it from him whilst we was play fighting and he chased me until he got it, ( I wasn’t going to go on it, we was just playing around, but he took it serious and didn’t leave me alone until he got it back) I just think he’s being too over protective with it. I don’t see why he wouldn’t just let me use it, I’d happily leave him with my phone. I keep suggesting for us both to delete social media as this has been a massive issue in the past and I’d feel much happier knowing none of us have it. There isn’t one single thing that’s good regarding social media, in my mind. It can destroy relationships and is not good for your mental state of mind. I just wondered whether I was over thinking or not? What should I do? I trust him I just don’t understand why he’s so protective of it. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Pepi let pew  +, writes (27 March 2019):
 He should just tell you there is no other woman's numbers in his phone. Unless it's for work. He could just leave it unlocked and say honey I'm just going for a shower. And let you go through it. I used to sometimes look at porn on my phone. So maybe he's looking at some porn site. And he's worried if you find out it will cause an argument. He should just unlock his phone and hand it to you. This is honesty and trust the most important two things in a relationship. He should be working at the relationship to make you feel secure. But these thinks have taken me a lifetime to learn sounds as if he got some learning about relationships to do ....
A
male
reader, Pepi let pew +, writes (27 March 2019):
He should just tell you there is no other woman's numbers in his phone. Unless it's for work. He could just leave it unlocked and say honey I'm just going for a shower. And let you go through it. I used to sometimes look at porn on my phone. So maybe he's looking at some porn site. And he's worried if you find out it will cause an argument. He should just unlock his phone and hand it to you. This is honesty and trust the most important two things in a relationship. He should be working at the relationship to make you feel secure. But these thinks have taken me a lifetime to learn sounds as if he got some learning about relationships to do ....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2019): People always want assurances that they won't face disappointment or feel pain. Guess what? Life will never guarantee you that. Love when you find it is wonderful. It comes with pitfalls and surprises. People have weaknesses; so we make mistakes. Sometimes we hurt people. By mistake, or on purpose.
Like one anonymous reader wisely said, you can't trust anybody 100%. That would include yourself! Along with the rest of the human-race who will hurt or disappoint somebody. You may not mean it; but you're not going to be perfect, or never disappoint him. You have faults and weaknesses. You could break his heart someday. He has to accept those human-flaws; if he wants to be with you. You are in a relationship that includes two people. Both taking a risk together. Have phones become the windows to our souls? Will they expose all our sins and save our relationships? You put a lot of confidence in phones. I know what these kinds of posts are about, and it's not about access to phones. It's looking for guarantees you won't find anywhere with anybody!
It's about trust-issues, and wanting an unfair advantage to control other people. I loathe being around suspicion and distrust. It makes me feel sick. So I had to learn to control it in myself; so I wouldn't place that feeling in the heart and soul of somebody I loved. It's hard, but it feels good to let the people dear to me know my love comes with trust. Even if I risk pain or disappointment. I'd rather experience the love; even if it places me at risk.
You think having access to his phone is going to give you more assurance, and make you feel secure. I don't think it will. I think if it wasn't one thing, it will be another. You are so scared he might hurt you that you arrogantly believe and dismiss the possibility that you won't be the one to cheat. It could be you who might do something awful that could ruin your relationship. Distrust is the poison the devil infuses into relationships to destroy love. It's his main objective. He thrives on destroying love in relationships. He gets plenty of satisfaction these days!
There are plenty of distrusting people to make him feel the full benefit of his successful work. Nothing does he enjoy better than to inject toxic suspicion to destroy love. Distrust and insecurity are great tools for demolishing and killing relationships. Love is going fine, and suddenly it gets all slimy and greasy with distrust.
Leave the phone alone. If he cheats, it will hurt you. You'll survive it. I've been cheated on before more than once in my life; and I'm still here. Helping someone who thinks if she can keep an eye on her boyfriend's every move, and monitor his phone; she will feel safe and secure. No, you won't! You want assurances no one can live-up too. Assurances you can't even offer him yourself.
Let the phone issue go. If he's cheating, the evidence will surface no matter how hard he may try to hide it. It won't necessarily show-up on his phone. You said he treats you good. Then allow that to be good enough to prove he loves you and is faithful to you. Meanwhile, make sure you don't sabotage your relationship looking for guarantees of your own safety and protection, that you can't offer anybody else yourself.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 March 2019):
 OP, when you say "I trust him" far too many times, you're not telling that to us; you're saying it to yourself. Do you really trust him? Because if you did then you wouldn't be asking this question here.
You're going to have a baby together, you've been together 6 years and you're not married yet. Where's the legal commitment? If there is love and trust, why not put a ring on it? Why bring a baby into the world where the parents are not married? Why hasnt he proposed yet? And if he has then why arent you two married?
If you did trust him OP then you would straightaway ask him. That is the key to a healthy relationship. Communication. You should be able to talk about whatever's bothering you. Whether or not he deletes social media is irrelevant...he could be off it and still be up to no good or be very active and yet be completely faithful to you. Social media is not the problem here. Your boyfriend's actions are...and clearly he's done something in the past for you to be suspicious of him now.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (27 March 2019):
 I'll admit it, as much as I'd like to say I could trust my partners 100%, IMHO you cant ever fully do that and it's foolish to think otherwise. Not saying that your man is up to no good, but in my past experiences I've trusted 100% and was wrong! I trusted again and you know what...wrong again then too. I think it is ok to protect yourself if you think your partner is not protecting you or your the relationship. From what you post, it does seem a bit odd if this is a significant change in his behaviour. My advice, ask him straight out and explain why you are doing so. If he gets angry or annoyed-let him but dont let yourself walk away from that conversation feeling as though you are crazy and have no answers. Pose the same questions to him, if you did the same, how would that look to him? Good luck, I hope you find some truth as well as peace in that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2019): If this behaviour is different from what was the norm, then yes, I think you have something to be worried about. If my husband/boyfriend suddenly started to change his behaviour regarding his phone, then I would certainly be wondering why. Did he used to leave it unlocked and lying around? If he did, then this is a change of behaviour that spells something's not right.
You say you are pregnant? Have you been having sex? I ask, because as I'm sure you know, this is a time when some men will stray.
I don't want to worry you and I hope I'm wrong, but when a man starts to take his phone everywhere and he never used to, then something's up.
The trouble with asking him why he is behaving this way, is that he is very unlikely to tell you the truth. So unless you can spot whether he is lying, which could be tricky if he's good at it, then asking him is pointless.
Has his behaviour towards you changed? Is he distant at all or pre-occupied? Does he go out at night without you? I would be looking at all these things and weighing them up. You can't control whether or not he uses social media and nor should you try. That's up to him. It's only if his behaviour changes and especially around his phone IF he wasn't like it before. I can understand that people's phones are private, but if it didn't bother him before if you used it or borrowed it and it does now, that it becomes something to note.
You don't really seem to trust him, despite your declaration to the contrary, so has he ever done anything to make you mistrust him before?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2019): [EDIT]:
"I think observing his overall behavior and how you're treated is enough."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2019): Phones are personal-property and what's on them is private. No matter what's on it! Even the government and law enforcement have to get a special warrant to search your calls or messages.
People attempt to keep tabs on each other; because they can't trust each other. Some people really get obsessed about what's on their partner's phone, and whom they might be contacting.
I think your post was carefully worded to make it appear you were just joking around. I think pbserving his overall behavior and how you're treated is enough. What if he didn't have a phone? How would you gauge his trustworthiness or his loyalty to you?
You ARE overthinking, and you want to have access to monitor his contacts and what he does on social media.
I guess you'll have to trust him like he trusts you.
It feels intrusive to me for my partner to feel it necessary to look through my phone. Not because I have something to hide; it's the principle that I would wonder why it would be an issue at all? It would also upset/insult me if anyone took my phone insisting on reviewing it like I can't be trusted.
Try to trust your partner. You can't determine how people feel about you by having access to their phones. You will make more conflict in your relationship by demanding to regulate his phone usage like he's a child. It's sending the message you are suspicious, want to judge him by what you find, and you're insecure about your relationship. His actions and how he treats you aren't enough to demonstrate he loves you?
If you found something that bothered you; then what would you do about it? He's a grown-man and he doesn't have to delete anything he doesn't want to.
You've found something that is going to grow into a major problem between you. Now you're going to obsess about his phone, and he's going to constantly have to keep it out of your hands.
My gosh, you've been together for six years; and you didn't have any complaint other than he won't let you go through his phone.
You don't have to be cheating or have anything to hide for not wanting people going through your phone.
I don't watch porn, I don't cheat on my partner, I don't go through my partner's phone; and it never crosses my mind to. I don't make up excuses like my battery is dead, to use another person's phone. My phone lets me know if it needs charging by the charge indicator. I can see it when I'm using it. If it's charging, I take advantage of the downtime to do other things; while resting my eyes and ears.
I don't need around-the-clock phone activity myself; but how much my partner uses his phone, or where he takes it, is none of my business.
If you have few or no problems, don't create any.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2019): Just would like to say I trusted my ex and had a 4 month old baby with him at the time and he was also like that with his phone and when I would get upset he would make it seem like I was the one with the problem and would turn it around so I feel bad for worrying about it, one night I was able to get on it and found out he was cheating. Not saying yours is but you should figure out what's going on
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2019): You do not trust him.I bet he is just on Facebook .No social media? In today's world not so ez. Get some couples consoling.Then you can decide to leave or stay.But with no trust you have no relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 March 2019):
 Why not ask HIM straight up? WHY are you so protective of you phone as of lately?
See what he says.
Don't make accusations, just ask the quest next time he locks the screen while near you.
If this is new or odd behavior after 6 years, you should be able to bring it up, and have a MATURE conversation. Don't you think?
Stop suggesting he delete his social media. IF you have already had a conversation about it, and you TRUST him (as you say you do) then YOU can delete YOURS, but you CAN NOT MAKE him delete his.
It's not the social media that destroys relationships. It's people misusing it.
If a persona WANTS to do "bad" things... they will.
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A
male
reader, Harry29 +, writes (26 March 2019):
 I think that you do reall;y know the answer to this: he has contacts (female?) that he doesn't want you to know about.
Sorry, but what other - innocent - explanation can there be?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2019): It doesnt sound like hes being protective of it. Keeping it in your pocket keeps it safe and means you dont have to hunt all over the house when you actually need it.i do the same thing and ive never lost a phone.
Just reading between the lines even though you keep saying you trust him all your actions seem to show that you dont.you may want to but you have doubts.
What are you looking for on his phone? Do you think he is cheating or are you worried about people talking about you?
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