A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello. My friend whom i met this year at uni is mad at me. We are now on school holidays. Through text last week she told me her boyfriend kissed one of her ex friends. I texted her back what i truely felt and told her she deserves better. Not so long ago after two days she tell me she wants him back because she "loves him and love conquers all". Since i usually write about "women should get standards" on my whatsapp, i wrote a status message about how i cant deal with ladies who stood so low just to be with a man. Also that these ladies must get some standards and know their worth. I changed my profile picture to one stating that "Never lower your standards for anyone or anything. Self respect is everything." She wrote me a text on whatsapp after ive posted asking if the status and profile pic was about her. Before i can get a chance to reply she wrote me a long text saying not everything is about standards and that one day i will understand. To me she takes him as her husband the way she treats him and wants to forgive him which is wrong since he cheated on her. Ive had a world record cheater myself when i was 18, he cheated on me behind my back. Everyone seemed to know except me. Two of my friends told me that they heard bad stories about my boyfriend of that time but not even one told me to leave him. I wish they did because when i found out it hurt really bad and let me having a hard time trusting guys again. Ive applied my advice to my ex and now he respects me and tells me that im the best girlfriend he ever had. He has recently asked me to help him choose a nice car that he wants to buy for his deserving mom. I dont want the same hurt to happen for her. Through my experience ive learnt that if a guy cheated on you the first time dump him, block him and move on or punish him hard if you want him back or he will likely cheat again. That is what i told her and she did none of that instead she easily took the cheater. I asked her why do you take him back, she said "i love him" and apparently she got her advice from her sister whose boyfriend secretly used to beat her (she doesnt know and i got the info from a guy related to them who used to dance with her sister). From there i told her that i wish her well but i dont support her getting back with him so quick and easy because he will cheat again that way as now she looks cheap in his eyes. Today i checked her whatsapp and i think she blocked me. Did i take it too far? I feel bad now but at the same time i feel like i didnt force anything on her. Should i call her and tell her how sorry I am? I love her but also i think she could have acted much better. The truth is this guy will cheat again. Should i let go and wait for her to see it for herself while our friendship is damaged? or she will see that i meant well in the future and forgive me?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 July 2016):
 Yes, too far. The intention was good, but you carried it out with the finesse of a bull in a china store :)
Come on, public status about " people should have standards "?: Yes, that's your thought and you can express your thoughts, but, you friend is not stupid,- except maybe in her choice of men- she got that it was aimed precisely at her and obviousy she resented it, nobody likes to be pilloried .
Plus, how do you know that you are right ? You are not God, there's not only your way to do things.
Note that I basically agree with you, I think, with rare exceptions, that once a cheater, always a cheater, so probably you are right in thinking that giving this guy a second chance is a waste of time.
But this is ONE way to see things. There are tons of people , instead, who feel that everybody deserves a second chance. Tons of people that consciously committ to forgive a first offense ( alas, some will forgive a 10th, 15th offense,- but that's another story ).
At the end of the day , then, she is an adult , and her own person, and she is free to make her own experiences and even her own mistakes, from which hopefully she will learn. Maybe she NEEDS to do that to learn her life lesson , to prove things on her own skin, rather than obeying just by hearsay.
As a friend anyway, your job is not to force down her throat , your superior knowledge and experience, even when it IS a superior knowledge and experience. Your job is to warn her , if you wish, but to assure that you will be there for her no matter what, and actually BE there for her when the s..t hits the fan (... possibly without crowing " I told you so ! " even if it is a big temptation )
Apologize. Send her a message saying that you realize that you have crossed certain boundaries , even if it was done out of sincere care and concern. But ultimately you realize that she must make her own choices , whether you agree or not, and while you may not see eye to eye about some of these choices, ultimately what you care about is keeping alive your special bond and standing by her side regardless of what she chooses to do in her personal life.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (13 July 2016):
 Didn't you have to learn this lesson the hard way? By being in her shoes and have it happen to you? You were once her, so I think you should understand where she is.
No, you're not wrong for telling a close friend they don't deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves that. However, in my humble opinion, you took it too far.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 July 2016):
 Yes you did take it to far. She told you what happened and you should have been there for her as a friend, when she told you she took him back you could have told her that you where worried for her, but instead you took it publicly and you judged her on your profile picture, friends do not do that and I can see why she was hurt and upset. At the moment she knows he done wrong, and yes it probably is a bad idea her forgiving him, but that is her choice, and as a friend you cannot judge, yes you can tell her you are worried he will hurt her, but you should be there for her not judging her. Writing women should get standards makes it look like she has done something wrong, friends just don't do that. I think you really need to apologize to your friend, tell her that you where only wanting to look out for her, explain that you wished someone gave you advice. But honey the thing is you should never tell her not to take her boyfriend back, that is her choice.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (13 July 2016):
 "punish him hard" - no. You don't "punish" him; you just leave. How could you possibly punish an adult?
You did take it too far because being a friend is about supporting her to make her *own* decisions. You wrote a status for others to see, slating her choice. That's not what a good friend does.
What you need to do is apologise. She knows you don't agree with her going back to him, but it's not your job to force your views on her. It's her life, let her live it.
Not every person who cheats does it more than once either but, whether he does or not, it's not your place to reprimand her for making the decision to stay.
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