A
male
age
36-40,
*uson
writes:ok me and my wife have been together for about 3yrs and a couple of months ago she cheated on me with an ex-boyfriend, i forgave her because i love her and i let her know that i'm hurt. but now she is pregnant! i told her i would stay with her and help out with the pregnancy until the baby is born but after if its not mine i was leaving. was i wrong for saying that in anyway?
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male
reader, MajorHart +, writes (22 June 2008):
Fly the coop.
You don't owe her anything. A lot of women want a baby and they are still 50% of it and many don't care who the other person is.
You shouldn't have told her you loved her and you should not wait until after the baby is born. That guy that suggests that you should do the Moral thing and take on a lifetime of responsiblity is wrong.
I counsel men all the time about sex and babies - the Male Action Network http://male-action-network.com and it's not your responsibility - even if you didn't consent and the baby is your - many women will stop taking their pill on purpose - some even punch holes in your condom and 6 of 8 male friends of mine wound up with a pregnant wife or girlfriend with no input or agreement from them at all.
It's most of your useful adult years - dont spend them giving her what she wants and denying yourself the freedom and financial benefits of choosing when or if to have a baby. I will get one star but I don't care - truth is truth and I'm not here to make friends. MajorHart
A
male
reader, Taddy +, writes (19 May 2008):
Careful son ~ In many of our U.S. States a legally married husband is declared the legal father of the child born to his wife regardless of the child's biological origin. So in this case you need to find out before the baby is born what is what. You have a moral duty to all concerned to do that. Good luck, no one envies your dilemma. Though you had no complicity in creating this untenable mess, unfortunatly it appears you will have to be the one to resolve it. The sooner the better. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, xapathyxrebornx  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 Aww im sorry you seem to be hurting alot.Its quite a dilemma, I suggest you at least stick it out until the baby is born and get a DNA test to confirm the paternity of the child. In the meantime support your wife. if you 'love her' and have 'forgiven her' then you will. I suggest you don't sign anything until you know if you are the father or not.=] x
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A
female
reader, always.you +, writes (13 January 2008):
 i think that if you really love her you will stay with her when you said vows on your wedding day your promised that you would be there for her till the day that you die and if you love her as much as you say you do you would still be there for her and the baby even though it wasn't yours
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A
male
reader, farmertull +, writes (13 January 2008):
 Your rather unemotional question,I am sure,is covering up a volcano that is ready to burst. For both of you to live under this boiling culdren is unrealistic. You do not mention if this is a one night stand or will the other man stake his claim. Are there feelings for him. Have you two really talked about this with a councilor as a mediator. A child is involved but it is not like the ld days where you stay together no matter what. My wife blamed me for not having a child even though the doctor found no fault with either one of us. She had unprotected sex with a coworker to get knocked up. So much misunderstanding and miscommunication. It is so hard for the real truth of what she did to come out and if it does are you willing to hear it? Is she sorry? Is she commited to you ? Are you making her pay for the mistake? So much to work through and the thoughts that scream inside your brain. Trust has been damaged and if it is your child that will be easier to handle but will your wife show you the love you need to accept or was it never there. Does she still have fellings for this other man and if it is his baby will that be a factor?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 She may have cheated on you but we do not know whether it was her fault or her ex .It could be her ex who forced upon her or she was tricked or spiked. The exact circumstance how it happened we do not know. We have to give her the benefit of doubt. Don't blame it all on her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): You're not wrong.Find out as soon as posible whether the baby is yours. If it's not, then leave her and let her deal with this mess on her own.DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING ON PAPER in regards to the baby unless you've SEEN the DNA tests results yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): Now, You forgave her for the affair,Gee!That was very noble of you. Why did you only forgive her Infidelity? But then you can't bring yourself to love the child that she is carring, regardless of who's child it is. Wow! Can't you just hear Joseph saying to Mary, "I love you,but I don't love your son because your son isn't my son" I don't see that you have the kind of love that she needs right now, or the kind of love you both need to sustain your marriage. Don't tell me that you love her,Yes perhaps Lip-love, but not the Heart-Love that really counts in the long-haul of togetherness. So run, run, run, But when you do,You just may be running away from the most wonderful woman,and mother to be, in this whole world. And as for her infidelity,well you like the rest of us have quite often committed it within your own mind. If she were my wife I wouldn't put my ego before my love,and you say that you love her,and common sense. And should you walk, Well some day you may look back and call yourself a fool.
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (13 January 2008):
 No i don't think you were wrong to say that as you are obviously hurting. What you need to determine now is who is the father?, there is every chance that the baby is yours. The question you need to ask yourself is "Do you want to know"? if you have forgiven your wife and are ready to move on, what are the alternatives?, If the child is not yours will you raise him/her as your own? However it would be perfectly understandable if you did not want to raise another man's child. As you said in your post you forgave her because you love her, you now need to decide what it YOU want to do. If the child is proven not to be yours, and you know you don't want to be part of it's life then you need to move on with your life. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (13 January 2008):
Did you gave a long thought of the repercussions of what you said to her? You forgave her but your forgiveness was not total. Do you really intent to carry out that threat or you were just angry and simply blurted out?
She deserved it but if you love her , then you ought not to tell her that when you do not really mean it. She being pregnant is very confused and bewildered and you drop this bombshell on her while saying that you love her.
At this time when she needs all your love and understandings and you are so cold and distant.
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 Hi there
You are indeed in a very tough situation.
You are now stuck between
a) Staying and supporting her until after birth, and building a bond with the baby, just to find out it is not yours, AND
b) Staying and supporting her, but NOT building a bond with the baby, and then finding out it IS yours.
I don't think you were wrong in saying this. It is totally fair of you to NOT want to look after another man's child.
There is a way to find out the paternity of the baby before it is born - via amniocentesis, but this is a risky procedure. Have you gone for a scan? This will give you more or less of an idea how far along she is. Remember to add two weeks to the amount of weeks the doctor will give you, and then you can work out more or less when the baby was conceived.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (13 January 2008):
 No you weren't, I'm surprised your even staying till she gives birth.
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