A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so hurt right now, I decided to tell my married lover's wife about our affair, because I knew that would be the only way to stop it. I am 35 yrs old and he is a 43 yr old man. It started out as a friendship with casual dinners, and no sex. This lasted for 8 months. We finally had sex one day and it changed the relationship. I wasn't even really attracted to him at first, but grew to love him. We had been serious for six months and he became abusive; choking, pushing, twisting my arm back, and eventually punching me in the back of the head. He told he wasn't happy at home and that he and his wife were not having sex. I know I was wrong for the affair, but I didn't know how to stop the relationship. He would threaten me and holler at me throughout the relationship, I feared him. He told me that he had many affairs before and that his wife was aware of them. They were separated because of a previous affair, but got back together. They have been back together for three years now. When I told her that he controlled me, she asked me if he had ever hit me, and I said "No". She told me she was kicking him out, but the next day I called she was blaming me and calling him "baby" while I was on the phone, asking me "Do you want him?" It was as if nothing about the situation bothered her. I apologized to her and blocked his number. I can't stop crying because I still love him. Why did she react the way she did too? I am confused!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): If you knew this man was married from the get go then you are equally as guilty.You went out for dinners and forged a friendship over 8 months prior to having sex.During that 8 months you could have walked away at any point,you chose instead to have sex and get deeper into the relationship,so did he.Neither he nor you are innocent, you both were aware what you were doing and you know that.The wife IS innocent,she did nothing wrong,her life has been blown apart and I hope God finds a way to help HER have the strength to leave this disgusting man and find some peace of mind.Karma always pays back so one day you may find yourself in her situation, then and only then will you fully understand what you two did to her.You came on here to ask why she didnt leave him,perhaps she will and the 'front' she put on was an act of bravado just for you,the woman who was having sex with her husband.Its over for you,you walked away,for her its just the start.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 July 2012):
 You've completely misunderstood my point. At no time did I say he was an innocent person. I compared you to a dealer as I also compared him: 'as he was your dealer supplying you with whatever fix it was you thought you needed' AS HE WAS YOUR DEALER. Meaning he was the same to you as you were to him. Not innocent at all. Everyone else had already torn the man apart so I didn't see the need to do the same. It had already been said. And HE isn't here asking for our opinions and advice. You are. My post was in response to the statement you made in your follow up: 'Why do I care about what the wife is thinking now, and by the way, he destroyed his marriage not me.' That sounds callous and indifferent to the suffering of another woman, a woman who has probably suffered more because of him than you have.By all means, don't care what she thinks. What's she to you anyway?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCiar, It's funny how you compare me to a dealer and the man is a damaged soul. (lol) He had no fault? You don't know what lies this man fed me. Stop playing judge and juror. It shows right there that in society it's okay for a man to lie and cheat, but let a woman do the same and she is a drug dealer. This man had no self-control? I did not pursue him at all. I made a mistake and that is it. I am fine now, and I know you want me to suffer, but I am not now. He damaged his own family, and the wife had a right to know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCiar, My God allows me to be forgiven when I truly repent. I have trust in him. Once you repent you move on and don't make the same mistake. I don't have to stay in the moment. I know I was wrong and that's it. The pain I felt was well-deserved, but I will not keep being depressed. Your comment just makes me stronger because I place my trust in the Lord, and he has forgiven me, and I know that. Now If I go back and make the same mistake, then I am not forgiven. I am fine now and I suggest you move on.
We are all sinners and can be forgiven. John 8:7 "So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." God bless you!
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (28 July 2012):
I think you've been rather hasty in washing your hands and absolving yourself of this.
Don't get me wrong. I agree that God loves you and has forgiven you and I want you to be happy and healthy and strong and confident. But if you have only been half honest with yourself then you can only half forgive yourself.
Your lover's wife has known him, lived with him, suffered far more and for much longer than you have. It will be much harder and more expensive for her to extricate herself from him than it was for you to walk away. Did it never occur to you that she might have far more healing to do than you? That she has far more at stake and must chose her moment more carefully than you did? That she is probably in as dark a place as you were?
We all have free will. If you believe in God then you know that to be true. You could have ended the affair at any time. You chose instead to place that burden on the shoulders of an already injured party without any regard for how it would affect her. And you take comfort from knowing God extends to you a compassion you deny another.
As for the demise of their marriage, you are not an innocent party. You were noy the cause, but you were a contributor. You were a dealer, one of many, who supplied that quick fix to a damaged soul (as he was your dealer supplying you with whatever fix it was you thought you needed). You did not start the downward spiral, but by your actions you made sure that that spiral continued. At the very least you did nothing to stop it.
I don't think your time for self examination is over yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone, I realized that I was stupid and dumb, and crazy at the time. I do not want to be with this man. I will not contact him or his wife again. I am worth more than that. I have repented and God has forgiven me. i know my heart inside. I have learned my lesson now, I am disgusted by married men, and I will never give them another look. I won't let myself be abused either. I think I was sick or something when I dealt with this situation, but I have woken up and can smell the coffee. You're right...Why do I care about what the wife is thinking now, and by the way, he destroyed his marriage not me. I never made vows or promises. I get so tired of people saying the mistress hurt the wife and family, when it is actually the husband, that puts them in that situation. The man is never blamed for everything. As for people who are glad I got beat, God bless you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012): She reacted the exact same way you OP, two fools not strong enough to get rid of an abusive, cheating asshole.
You need to stop wondering why she acted that way and start asking yourself how you're so weak as to let a guy treat you that way.
That's the most important question here OP because until you answer that and fix that any guy can come and do the same thing to you and he can go back to you any time he wants.
Why did you call her OP? Was it some kind of sick, last ditch effort to keep him? Were you doing it to spite her? I see absolutely no good reason why you would do that.
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female
reader, demeplev +, writes (28 July 2012):
 He sounds dangerous...any man that would be this abusive could be deadly if not just very very violent and you will get hurt not just emotionally, what exactly do you like? the abuse the choking, the fact that he could cheat on his WIFE? he is very controlling abusive and downright dangerous, save yourself, and get therapy. find out why you would allow yourself to be abused..you deserve to be happy safe and loved this is not love look at any woman who has been abused woman who have been cut, choked left for dead, or slashed or just beaten badly they all LOVED their abuser they thought he would change or that it wasnt that bad..please save yourself love yourself and leave quickly. Peace and love..ps no excuses this is bad get out now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012): Silly woman! Why tell his wife, especially if she knew about the other affairs? Did you think he would leave her for you? Better yet. Why would you want him to if he is controlling and beats you?Personally, I think his wife is psychologically torturing you...and it seems to have worked.
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reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (28 July 2012):
It’s likely that he is abusive both physically and emotionally towards his wife, and she is controlled by him. What probably happened is that her first reaction was anger, she planned to kick him out. But then he obviously found some way to get to her, and she’s so controlled by him that she’s willing to believe that the whole thing was your fault and that with you out of their lives everything will be okay. HE may also have made her feel so worthless that she believes she can’t do any better than him anyway, so she might as well just accept his cheating. It’s a shame that she can’t see what’s right under her nose, but until she’s able to accept that she is being controlled and manipulated, no amount of pointing out the obvious would work. You need therefore to just remove yourself from this situation. You’ve told her the truth, she is sticking by her man and there’s nothing you can do about it. You need to concentrate on dealing with your own emotions about this situation, of course you have been hurt and abused yourself. Confide in any friends or family that you would trust to support you, and don’t rule out counselling as a possibility if you feel that you need it. Just make sure you ignore this man: keep his number blocked, ignore any attempts he makes to get in contact with you, and stay away from both him and his wife.
I wish you all the very best.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 July 2012):
 I know you believe you love this man but it's probably because you never had a relationship with anyone better.
He is obviously a supreme manipulator and can more or less do exactly what he likes, lying, cheating, hitting woman (what a peach!!)
The whole situation is toxic, nothing good can come from it. His wife probably puts up with his cheating because she is weak and cannot fend for herself, so the pair of them deserve eachother.
I know you are upset but you have to see the big picture. It may be painful now but you have spared yourself a lifetime of misery by escaping this very dysfunctional couple.
Stay away, heal, deal with what has happened and rebuild your confidence. There are millions of other men who will provide you with much healthier relationships or you could just enjoy being a single woman and embrace all the freedom that brings.
Don't get involved with married men, because they are deceitful from the start and not worth the effort.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012): "I decided to tell my married lover's wife about our affair, because I knew that would be the only way to stop it."Semantically correct, because if the other woman with whom her husband was cheating (who would be you) directly informed him the affair was over, or even just blocked his number, that would have been considered "ending" the affair as opposed to "stopping" the affair.Of course, leaving the decision to interrupt a sordid, tawdry back-street extra-marital affair in the hands of a not-entirely-neutral third-party (his wife), does present possibility that she may not necessarily make the same decision for which you were hoping; I can envision a scenario in which your original decision to have an affair with her husband may not have necessarily the one for which she was hoping."It was as if nothing about the situation bothered her. I apologized to her and blocked his number." "I can't stop crying because I still love him. Why did she react the way she did too?!"Hard to say why she reacted that way. One one hand, she's used to his affairs. On the other hand, she probably wasn't expecting to be forced into the uncomfortable position of having to come between her husband and his mistress."I am confused!"Me, too. Still not quite sure how it falls upon wife to break up cheating hubby and mistress, why didn't you just block his number and be done with him?; if you had just done that then you'd have no reason to know or care how wife feels, but of course instead you went and really made a mess of things and now you have no reason to know nor care how wife feels.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 July 2012):
 Hi
Exactly what is there to love about him, a violent man, a serial cheater, a user of gullible women?
His wife knows the pattern and your probably not the first to ring her. No doubt he will have lied to her,told her your dillussional,stalking him,won't take no for an answer..She will believe him or not but will want to keep the marriage together.Its just how some couples are.
Dont waste your tears on this one he will move on to his next victim before long. Youve learnt the hard way to avoid married men.
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