A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi there i am at a loss...my fiance well ex fiance now, i live with her and have a beautifull 15mnth daughter. i have not been happy in the relationship for about 6-7 months now and have been with her for 5 years, i have said that i think we should finish since i am so miserable it has even been commented on by my bosses at work. i am now suffering from depression which i am taking tablets for. i told her i wanted to break up about 6 days ago now she has taken my daughter and car and driven 200miles up north to stay with friends for 5 days since she thinks we need a break, she is emotionally hurting me and keeps sending me texts like "i gave (daughter name) hugs and kisses from you i wish you had some for me". i will always be there for my daughter but just do not see a future with her i did before she started acting like this, i am just so confused and do not know what to do about the whole situation. basically i am just seeking some advice or peoples thoughts on what to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): i am still living in the house and we have tried to discuss our problems about 3 times previous, i have not mentioned anyone elses feedback on the situation to her because i do not believe she needs to be hurt in that aspect by thinking everyone is against her. i did think about the words i used and got advice from my female friends before hand. we did discuss therapy but it never happened... i have no idea what i feel as now i just feel so low and well have no idea what to do with myself tbh.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 July 2012):
 You only told her 6 days ago. She must be in shock. I am wondering if you told her how unhappy you were over the past 6-7 months or whether you bottled it up and then blurted out "it's over"?
She is bound to need time to get over this. You're not the only one with feelings and the capacity to feel depressed. Sorry to put it bluntly, but it's not just about you.
Respect and understand that she's very hurt and upset now. She will get over that phase, and you must be patient. By going to get support from friends for 5 days, she is not permanently denying you access to your daughter so no need to worry about custody and court and legal advise just yet.
Maybe when she gets back you can broach the subject of going to see a mediator, not to try to keep the relationship together if you don't want that but to sit down and work out how you are going to parent the child together.
It's really early days. Don't panic. Try to see this from her side and also remember to look after yourself and your own mental health.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): well in all honesty, what did you expect would happen?
when spouses have kids and then get divorced, one spouse tends to have primary custody and it's usually the woman.
now you said your ex "took your daughter away" - well, what did you expect would happen if you broke up so that you're no longer to be living together?
the important thing is whether she is preventing you from seeing your daughter. she should not prevent you, she should allow you to have regular contact with your daughter.
but since it's only been 5 days, wait a bit more then contact your ex again to discuss how you will co-parent your daughter now that you're no longer together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): I would fight for cusotody or vistation rights
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 July 2012):
 Had you thought about the consequences when you told your live in fiance you wanted to break up. Did you think about how you words about being miserable and you boss commenting could be construed as your work performance being her fault? DEid you offer to move out or were you expecting her to stay in the same house as you after you told her you wanted to split up? Did you ever consider talking to her about you problems before you told her you wanted to split?
You told her you wanted to finish so she is taking a five day break. She could have left for good.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (15 July 2012):
That sounds pretty nasty! At the moment, she is angry and upset. Sadly this means that she’s failing to separate her view of you as a partner, and you as a father. That much is obvious from the texts that she’s sending. You did the right thing in being honest about the fact that the relationship seems to have run its course. But don’t worry too much yet, it’s early days yet. Wait until the dust settles and she comes back. Unless she stays away for a long period of time, don’t drive down there or do anything drastic. She probably needs some space and to clear her head. When she gets back, you need to get her to agree to have a talk with you. Explain to her that you understand that she is hurting over the breakup, but that you need to agree together an arrangement for you to have regular access to your child. If she can see sense, she’ll realise that this is what’s best for her daughter. Hopefully she will not try to prevent you from seeing your child, because sometimes parents use the children to punish each other, without realising or caring that the person that they’re punishing most is their child. If she doesn’t agree, however, see if you can get any other neutral mediator to help, for instance a member of her family who’s not going to blindly take sides, or a mutual friend. If that’s not possible, or if it fails, tell her that you will ultimately be prepared to go down the legal path to get access. Explain to her that this can be a very ugly process and that agreeing something together really is the best thing. How much of a fight this is going to be is unclear at the moment because she is still going to be very emotional, but you need to do all you can to keep things civil. You should, however, not be afraid to be honest about the fact that you don’t want to resume the relationship, and remember that this relationship broke down after the birth of your child, so that clearly shows that trying again for your daughter’s sake won’t work. You can be just as good parents separately. Be sure to get as much emotional support as you can from your own friends and family at this difficult time.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (14 July 2012):
 Also, do not feel too badly about your boss noticing your depression. Mine told me I had a negative attitude this year, but I refuse to go on anti-depressants. A lot of people where I work are on them though. Hopefully they are helping you a little bit.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (14 July 2012):
Did you try talking to your fiance about why you are so unhappy? Maybe try a therapist? I am not trying to be mean, but what did you think she was going to do when you told her you wanted to break up? You had to have known that she would take your baby and go. She is now doing what you wanted. If this is not what you want, I would call and talk with her. Isn't there some way you could work things out with her? Have you tried? I am just asking because you don't mention having done that. If you have, I am sorry to ask you the question. Maybe for the time being, you could ask her to come home and live separately but together for awhile so your daughter can be with both of you.
Maybe you could tell us some more about your situation so we could better direct you. This is what I would tell you to do for the time being. Obviously there are worse things than living with her and that is being without your little girl.
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