A
female
age
30-35,
*elpless heart
writes:Hi,Im in a serious relationship with a wonderful partner who is very understanding and I love him very much. Recently though it seems our relationship was shaken and I am finding it very hard to deal with it. I was abused by my father as a child and I hate the memories and thought of it so I told my partner that for a period of my life I had lived away from my parents in Italy. Recently I told him the truth, that I had lied to avoid the truth of what had happenned to me and he was very understanding and hasnt yelled at me.However, he doesnt cuddle me as much as before, sex doesnt feel like anything more than sex and in general we arent the same anymore. I know this may not be able to be helped but I am greiving the way my relationship with him used to be and am even crying at night, I feel like I am loosing him and dont know how to deal with all these emotions.I am getting help for the childhood trauma however I'd really love some advice on how to stop feeling so bad over how my relationship has changed with him...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): I'm married to someone who was neglected and later abused and raped. It is very hard to work past, as you know, and it is hard to get the other partner to understand (particularly if you don't open up to them and to yourself).
He needs to understand what happens to someone, and hopefully he is intelligent and dedicated to you, and you should not be with anyone who is not absolutely dedicated to you. Have him read these postings, be open with him, and let him know what people experience. He may not be up for it, and you may have to go on and find another person. It doesn't make him a bad person.
If he is, then sit down and talk with him, and if you can have him go to counseling with you. Couples counseling can help both of you understand your reactions to each other in both intimate and non-intimate settings. That helps immensely.
I'd suggest reading "Healing Sex" among other books which cover the same topics, for both of you.
Now, no matter how hopeless this may seem, let me tell you that it isn't. From personal experience I can say that. We (my wife and I) have had an experience that became terrible in our first nearly 20 years of marriage...it took her that long to open up, I thought it was me and nearly left her. She thought I was different and rejecting her and didn't realize what was happening. Rather than leave, I pushed her to open up, pushed and was patient and pushed some more (it took a long time...nearly a year).
Then she opened up and told me a story that nobody else on earth knows but tiny fragmented parts of.
The recovery was nothing short of miraculous. Someone I thought would never make love to me again, and yet who I love more deeply than I could ever have imagined but felt so rejected by, is now the greatest lover that I have ever had and tells me that I am her blessing from God.
Yes, I have to be careful, I don't do certain things that are natural to do and were so casually done in the past, but which led to flashbacks and other things happening to her mentally (but hidden from me).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): I was also abused as a child. Some people cannot get past the disguist of someone doing that to a vulnerable person. If he cannot support you on this, it is not personal believe me, it is his lack of understanding and maturity and this flaw would surface in other areas of your relationship.
If he is able to, I would suggest you have a joint counselling session, even if it is only one or two to help him understand his feelings. If he is not willing to do this or talk things through and be there 100% for you, he will always let you down.
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (21 January 2011):
 Don't mean to remind you of hurtful memories of your past but your boyfriend maybe feels making love with you doesn't feel right or he maybe thinking it isnt pleasing you being intimate incase it brings bad memories back.
Maybe have a word with your boyfriend see how it is maybe he isnt sure how to behave because of knowing your past now, he sounds like a decent lad and maybe just a quiet reminder to him you still enjoy the affection from your boyfriend regardless of the torment you have with your past might revitalise his affection he has for you.
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