A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey all. So I'm 17 and I'm sexually active (about 7 months now). And honestly, I'm not a fan. My boyfriend is the only person I've ever had sex with. (We've been together since we were 15.) To be honest, sex was never really and interest of mine nor was it my idea to start doing it. I knew that my boyfriend wanted to have sex and I agreed - he didn't pressure me into it.Anyway, recently we were having a conversation about sex and he asked me if I really enjoyed myself and I told him the truth: that I don't really like it and even though he's ver gentlemanly, I think it's awkward and basically it sucked.I really wasn't thinking when I dished it all out to him like that and I didn't realize he would get hurt or offended by it. But he did. Now he feels like he's bad in bed and I guess that was a blow to his ego. Now he's incredibly upset and he hardly touches me and he's really short with me (and a bit rude) when we talk. I personally think he's overreating but I don't like having problems with someone I care about. My friends say I should just wait it out and that he'll come around eventually. I, however, want things to be better now. I imagine that takes repairing his ego somehow. I just don't how. Thoughts? Advice? Thanks :) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (19 February 2011):
 Wow, I hear you saying that your boyfriend didn't pressure you to have sex, but you also say he wanted to have it so I did.
What I think is that it is very limiting for one to date a guy for two years starting as a child of 15, and then having sex just because you thought it was the thing to do.
More than likely this boy will not become your One and only, you both will move on. You had sex when you really did not want to and as you feared you don't think it was worth it.
You hurt his feelings and mostly his male ego by saying that it sucked. What you might do is to be honest and tell him the truth, but first you must be honest with yourself. You regret having sex when you really did not want to but at his suggestion and for what ever pressure you put upon yourself to no longer be a virgin.
You don't have to continue having sex just because you have lost your virginity. You can choose to become celibate again if you want to do so. You may come to terms with the fact that this boyfriend of yours is not really bringing anything to your life or to your growth as a person, which is what your main focus should be, your own growth as a young woman. Set some goals beyond this relationship for your life and then go about making those things happen. You don't want to end up a pregnant teen with three kids hanging on your legs by the time you are 20, you want to live your own life as an independent young adult first before making that kind of life decision.
You may want to tell your boyfriend that you simply are not ready for this kind of relationship and you ought to think about breaking up and moving on so that the two of you can become independent young adults.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 I'm sure you didn't want to start playing "20 questions", but ...
Do you think of yourself as a sexual person? Have you spent time exploring yourself? Do you know what works for you and what doesn't? If the answer is yes, if you can give yourself an orgasm and enjoy it, that's a whole different situation than if the question is no. If it's the latter, then you could fairly say, "it's not you, it's me." (And no, I'm not suggesting you deal with this with clichés.)
Unless you're a complete firecracker, the only way he's going to be any good for you is if you teach him. And if you don't know what (if anything) works for you, you certainly can't teach him. Most young men don't know this, by the way. They think if they go through a particular set of motions it all works automatically. So if you're not enjoying yourself, they're doing it wrong.
So, in figuring out how to try to rebuild his ego, figure out honestly for yourself if it's you or him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): What your BF heard was the following:
1. I've been lying (faking) to you all this time.
2. You suck at sex
3. I'll tolerate having sex with you for a while. if you insist, but KNOW I'm not going to enjoy it.
4. At some future point, I'll change my mind and you'll be in a sexless relationship
5. I'll likely start looking to cheat, since (again) you suck in bed
6. You're less than a man...
7. All those fantasies- forget them...
Now, can you figure it out?
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 The number one thing a woman can say to turn off a guy is "I don't like sex".I'll tell you, my first girlfriend wasn't a virgin and she knew what she liked in bed. I still respect her for that far more than any other girl I met.I'll be frank, you need to get him in bed and actually try, or you can kiss him goodbye.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 In a way he's overreacting and in a way he's not. True, male egos are ridicoulsly fragile when it comes to sex matters , and I am sure you neither told him nor meant " You suck in bed " but then again he'll be like " WTF ? NOW you tell me. After 7 months ! Couldn't you say something before ? " . And of course he took it personally, you have had sex only with him , and it's HIM that you find sexually lacking. If you had tried 50 lovers before him and none of them had pleased you, he could safely assume that the problem rests with you, but as of now all he knows is that he was not able to satisfy you and he feels bad about it.
I wonder why you have spent seven months just laying there like the sacificial lamb. Don't assume that you are not " cut " for sex or that sex is just not your thing.
One can get the hang of sex exactly as she can get the hang of an instrument or a new language. Practicing. With a patient, caring instructor. And it's paramount that you have good communication with the instructor : that you tell him what you " don't get ", what you find more difficult : in your case, what do you dislike and what do you like ( or at least dislike less ). What do you need to feel safe and relaxed in his arms. How and where you want to be touched and kissed.
There will be something specific that bothers you, I guess . Is he too fast ? Too rough ? Has sex became too routine ? Do you want him to be more romantic, more passionate, what ??.
Tell him, how can he change his ways if he does not know what to change. But , suppose you don't have a clue , you really have no idea what you would like. That's great ! Sex is also a game... and exploring makes it more fun ! Try this and that, different positions , caresses, touches,anything- and see what works best.
Now , tell him... the truth- that you never said anything because you were too shy and embarassed and inexperienced and did not want to make him mad or think less of you- but
,now that the cat is out of the bag, you want to start from scratch, communicating sincerely and learning together all about physical love.
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