A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Drama! Drama! Drama! My boyfriend, my best friend and her husband and i aré really cool.. We text or call each other all the time.. Well my boyfriend and her husband were friends before they met us and she and i were friends before we met them... Well the other Day my friends husband told me and my boyfriend how unhappy he was with his marriage.(they've only been married about a month and got married about 2 months after knowing one another) he was saying things how dirty she was and how he gas to come home to a dirty house and he doesn't mind her not working but at least act like a wife.. And you told my best friend what he said.. The day before I told her she told me she had knew already. But I guess she lied.. Well her husband and my boyfriend got really upset with me.. Was I wrong? I didn't no it was a "secret". Plus I felt like even if it was a secret she was going to find out anyway..meanwhile they don't live in the same state as us so you had plans to go visit in 5 days and now my friend doesn't want my bf and I staying at her husbands house with them even though her husband is cool with it. My bf says she thinks I want her man but that's so not the case! I would never do that to her! I'm so hurt by the situation! My bf does not understand how I feel at all! Should I talk to my friend about it! My bf thinks that will just cause more drama. I'm so confused. I feel like my friends husband should of talked to his wife about their problems! Not me, her best friend and expecting me not to say anything! Him and my bf made me out to be the bad person and I felt like I was the only one keeping it real! Omgosh I'm so frustrated to the point where I really don't want to visit anymore... Please help! Advice anyone?
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (12 November 2010):
People generally don't like other people to know what's wrong with their lives, unless they're the ones themselves telling you about it. Try to imagine how you would feel if someone else told you that your boyfriend was ranting to you about how unhappy he was and how he felt you were a slob, before he himself talked to you about it. Even afterwards, the nice thing is to pretend that nothing is wrong unless the person with the issue confides and wants to discuss things.
She's probably feeling hurt, upset, and embarrassed about the whole situation. Not only is her marriage a bit rocky, but mutual friends know all the gory details. Give her time to fix things with her husband, and get in a better place. With time, hopefully all this will blow over. And it might be a good idea to apologize for this embarrassing situation, and tell her you're there for her if she wants to talk about anything. Better give her a bit of time before doing this. It might not be a bad idea to try to relieve some of the embarrassing tension by making her feel like this is no big deal, tell her something embarrassing or not so great about your own relationship or something else to just cut some of the tension. Then maybe the 2 of you can laugh about how silly guys are or something then.
And next time,
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Maybe what you did was wrong, but it was only a reaction or building off of another wrong, which is how the husband handled their marital situation. You DO NOT have an issue with your wife and tell her best friend about it, and expect that conversation to remain secret. It would be ignorant to make that assumption. That issue should have remained within the marriage and not spread for public knowledge.
I agree that he may have been venting, but he should have not vented to you, because at the same time expecting you to keep something quiet that can end up hurting your friend was not right from his end and his telling you and your boyfriend.
So, in a way it was wrong, but it should not have been an issue that you had been involved in. That [in itself] would be a wrong decision from her husband's end. Therefore, reacting the way you had, trying to protect or bring information to your friend, was only a reaction that was prompted by the inappropriate manner that you were told of how her husband feels. So, we can state the one who really deserves the blame is her husband.
As far as visiting. Until things cool down, if it's an uncomfortable situation, you may want to postpone your visit. I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 You were wrong...you shouldn't have meddled. Now that the damage is done, there is nothing you can do but wait for things to simmer down, and learn the lesson...let a husband and wife sort out their issues on their own. Do not interfere, come what may. Let them handle their own problems....whether they are happy/unhappy/the house is dirty/clean....thats between them. You dont have to be the one that shows them the light...your words, no matter how well meaning, can always potentially be misconstrued. Like you said, it can even lead to them thinking you are interested in the man or you dont want your friend to be happy and trying to ruin what they have..
Dont fret too much...so u slipped a little. We all do. Give it some time. It'l get better. Calm down...its never as bad as it seems!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Of course it was wrong ! Maybe it was not a secret in the sense that the husband did not make you swear you'd never tell his wife- probably he just did not think you were gonna have such a brilliant idea. But even if it was not a formal secret, it was personal info communicated to YOU. It's common good sense, and common courtesy, never to go blabber to the third party what you have been told about her. Especially in such a sensitive situation , like between husband and wife.
Maybe the husband was just venting, maybe he was just upset that day for something that had happened. Maybe he was sort of rehearsing what he was gonna tell her. Anyway, I am sure he is capable to tell his wife what he wants her to know WHEN he wants her to know, and you have anticipated him.
Maybe you were the only one keeping it real- but that's not about you, it's about husband and wife and I am sure both have seen your intervention as intrusive and uncalled for.
What is done is done, and I think that in a little while
the situation will cool down and you'll resume your friendship. But right now, I'd skip the visit.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Yes, what you did was wrong. It was a secret. Well, not a secret as such, but the fact that he ranted to you and your boyfriend should have been a secret. Your best friend (the wife here) probably already knows what her husband thinks, or yes, they need to deal with that between them. What she did not know was that YOU knew. And, delivering third link information is dangerous business, because you could be giving the wife a completely different message than her husband intended.
The clue here is that if her husband wanted to talk to his wife about this, HE WOULD. He wouldn't talk to you about it and expect you to run to his wife with it. You meddled.
What you can do now is let this cool down and apologize. And do not meddle again. Instead, if you feel it is unfair of the husband to rant to you and your boyfriend, tell the husband so, and excuse yourself and leave the room. That way you don't have to become a part of whatever marriage problems they have.
The best thing in these situations, if both fighting parties are your friends, is to either keep all that is said a secret, or refuse to listen to either side. Don't let their issues become your issues, don't meddle. Let them fix their own problems.
Im sure this will calm down, we all slip up once in a while and do something we shouldn't. No one can say they are better than you in this, I've done worse than you. Thats how we learn. I do think you could try and message your friend and apologize and say you just misunderstood the situation and hope you can patch things up because you value the friendship and miss her.
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Well your friends husband should definitly have talked to his wife about it rather than broadcasting it to others first but unfortunately for you, people often shoot the messenger as you've discovered. Contact your friend, let her know you only had her best interests at heart. She's probably embarassed that her husband said these things about her behind her back and didn't have the courage to talk to her about it.
If you don't get in touch with her things will just escalate, you need to make the first move on this one. If she won't answer your calls, write her a letter. If she still doesn't contact you then leave it at that, she'll need time to cool off.
Next time I would stay well out of it if I were you. They clearly have problems and that's something they need to work through without anyone else getting involved.
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