A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am writing this because I feel like I need an outside perspective on my situation.I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months now, I am 16, he is 19. In January, he left for China to teach for his gap year. Obviously this was going to be hard from the off, but we agreed to make it work. Before I met him I was a mess, I had been treated like shit by every boy I had been with and suffered from bulimia because of this. But, our relationship had been, we both agreed, perfect. We were so happy together just lying in bed all day, had amazing sex, we always had something to talk about, never fought etc. etc. And I get on extremely well with his parents and mine like him, it all seemed too good to be true. He turned everything around, and I was ridiculously happy, and we fell in love. I know it sounds stupid coming from someone so young, but I am sure this is it. The problem is, since he has been away he has changed. We skype regularly and sometimes its great, we talk for hours and hours and completely lose track of time. But recently it has got to the stage we don't really have much to say to one another. He doesn't make an effort to make conversation, if I ask him what he has been up to he will tell me and then continue doing something else. He knows I am finding it difficult, and that I spend a lot of time crying, and when he gets me to tell him about it he makes it ok again, but a few days later he is back to the usual disinterest.I said before he went he was free to do what he wanted, and that if he wanted to he could sleep with other people. I said this because I hate the feeling I have that I am stealing his life from him. Honestly, I regret it. But I have the feeling even if I said he couldn't he would have still done it. He has slept with five women so far. And it hurts a lot. It hurt more that the first time he did, he told me on valentines day, in front of his friends. He has been more sensitive since, and he does get upset about it because he says he doesn't like upsetting me, but he is still not overly good about it. I know that I should appreciate the fact he tells me and I do, but sometimes he gets a bit too carried away and takes telling me too far and it upsets me. Yesterday he informed me that he has made a '10 year pact' with one of these women to meet in New York in 10 years on his birthday at the top of the empire state building, because her initials are NY. He didn't understand why I was upset. He only meant it to be some sort of funny anecdote. Is this not an incredibly romantic thing to do? He then said that he wouldn't go if it would upset me, and I pointed out that we would probably not be together in ten years, to which he looked hurt and said he did want to be with me in ten years. I didn't want him to have relationships with these women he has slept with but it looks like he is. Its killing me.I'm terrified of talking to him about this stuff but he insists I tell him if anything is wrong, he can immediately tell even if I am trying to hide any upset or worry. He tells me I shouldn't worry because he loves me etc. etc. but I can't help it. I blame myself for anything that is negative even if really I know its more his fault than mine, such as not bothering to call when he said he would, or leaving me waiting 7 hours etc.He tells me that I am 'the one' and that he wants to be with me forever. I am more skeptical. He is going to uni shortly after he gets back and I am not sure if it is worth it . My friends, trying to be supportive, tell me that it will be better when he gets back, and it is only 25 days until I go with his parents to the airport to pick him up. But I'm not sure. What I want to know is from the outside, does it seem like a good idea to try and make this work, or is he not who I thought he was? I really love him, but I am unsure if the feeling is truly mutual. (sorry this was so long)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Yes you are realistic... and no it probably won't last
there is a big difference between 16 and 19 and not so much at 20 and 23.... and as you get older the gap will be smaller and smaller.
I'm nearly 14 years older than my partner and it's not really all that noticeable at our ages... (i'm 51 and he's almost 38)
and we are LDR and it can suck... but yeah at your age and his you should both be able to come and go and experience life without being tethered emotionally to someone who is far away...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Sleeping with other woman is not okay.There is not anything more to it than that.If he had a bit more character and were more mature he would of not done it, despite you saying it was alright.A good person with character would of said "No I don't want to do that, I love you."Try to not have sex in future relationships until you have found the right person who treats you as you should be treated and builds up trust with you.I am sorry to say that as painful as it might be, this behaviour of his (and yes it is his behaviour, despite you giving permission to sleep around, it is his behaviour and he did not have to do it). this behaviour of his is a terrible start for a longterm partnership or future marriage. If I were you I would of talked to his parents about it, they should of put him on the straight and narrow.You sound like a nice young lady and it is a real shame that you have had relationships at this young age, when you should be enjoying yourself and having fun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Your friends, however well intentioned they may be, are doing you a terrible disservice. Your boyfriend is not a decent young man and for the life of me I cannot fathom why they would try to assure you otherwise.A decent man would not be carrying on like a gigolo while 'the one', the woman he 'loves' pined away at home for him. Your boyfriend is enjoying the best of both worlds; the freedom of a bachelor and the security of knowing someone is faithfully waiting for him.The reason he wants you to tell him when you're feeling insecure is not for your benefit but for his. It strokes his ego to know that you want him so badly you'll tolerate anything. This relationship is not worth continuing. Your boyfriend is dating other girls. He is not commited to you. He is commited only to his own pleasure. Don't bother meeting him at the airport. You can be happy if you're willing to do the work and exercise self discipline. Learn to achieve long term happiness instead of short term pleasure. Give yourself a reason to trust in YOU. That way you won't be vulnerable to the whims of others.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers everyone. The thin is, I'm not the one who thinks it is going to last forever as he thinks, when he goes to uni, which is about 2 hours away, I think, one way or another its going to end. Its sad, but I am more realistic than him.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 Long distance blues, oh how I know the feeling!I am in a long distance relationship, and I can relate to you a lot. Him leaving you hanging after saying he was gonna call, wanting to talk to him and then him blowing you off for something else which in your eyes, is less important (like a tv show or a movie, has happened to me many a time, and it feels just as bad every time).To be honest though, I think that anyone in a long distance relationship, who really wants it to work out, will not sleep with anyone else, EVEN if they were given permission by their significant other. It's a very selfish thing to do, because he's only thinking about himself and not about how this could affect you and your relationship with him. I think it's wrong on so many levels. You might as well not be together if he's going to do that. Yeah, blah blah blah, guys have their needs, but so do women. Men use the "needs" thing as an excuse.I can't honestly say whether he loves you or not, because I do not know him and he is your boyfriend. But I do think that he has some maturing to do. He seems super insensitive, and I don't think he'll realise unless you bring it up (which you did, but don't be afraid to speak up if you feel hurt again!). Such a relationship as yours isn't handled well by most people, let alone you, being 16 years old.I do hope it works out for you.. but you might find that when he gets back, things may be different. Some people find that they become jealous/obsessive over what their partner did with other people. If you want your relationship to work, you'll have to look past what has happened and try to let it go (which easier said than done.)If you wanna message me further, I'd be glad to help you if you need it :)Good luck!
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (24 May 2011):
 I know you probably will not want to hear this, but 99% of teenage romances do not last past university.
People grow up, move on, and change. Their outlook on life changes, what they want changes. When you are his age, you will be a very different person to who you are now.
If he has slept with at least 5 women (that you know about) he does not love you. If he truely loved you, then he wouldnt have slept about.
Once he goes to university (is he going far from home btw?) then he will be exposed to a large number of new people. He will meet new friends, new girls his own age and older. He will not want to come home every weekend and miss out on the social life. He will not want to leave his friends and miss out on the student party lifestyle.
You are also still very young. only 16. He is 19 and an adult. He will want to do things at university, which you are still too young for.
My advice would be to concentrate on you. YOU are the most important person here. Focus on getting good grades and your future. Let him go and live his own life and you live yours.
Good luck. x
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A
male
reader, Sex_counsellor +, writes (24 May 2011):
 It sounds to me like the relationship has some basic trust issues, you need to fully trust each other in order for a relationship to last over time. If he is in a relationship with you then he should not be dishonest even if he is away. I think the best thing will be to try and re-kindle the spark between you both, it sounds as if he is a very emotional and caring person and cares about your feelings a lot, therefore discussing with him is likely to be the best course of action to be honest, Just try not to get upset by what he says and listen to what his opinions are as well without getting upset. You should be able to judge by his attitude if the feelings are mutual when you see each other after such a long time apart. If you need any further advice or anything else feel free to e-mail me. Hope all works out for you
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