A
male
age
,
*ike.Dan
writes:OK, here's my situation. I have a good marriage of 12 years and a nine year old son. In the last 9 years my wife has not made love to me except for two times, even though every other part of the marriage works. Even after surviving SERIOUS cancer two years ago and trying to rekindle the flame with my wife, she still slaps my hand. We never really fight about it. I've tried to be patient and raise my son. I grew up without a father and don't want to hurt him. I don't feel like there's anymore desire left in me for my wife sexually, after nearly a decade of neglect.Now, after shutting down the sex needs for thes past 9 years, I have become hopelessly attracted to a female co-worker who is also married, and 9 years older than me. She spent the first nine months of ny employment finding numerous exuces for me to come to her desk and help her. She asked me to lunch early on, and we had a great time -her asking all kinds of question about me. Then she started playing cat and mouse, hot and cold with me. I finally sat down after work one night and told her that I had these feelings - which I didn't try to cultivate, but that make feel so intrigued by and attracted to her. I have never wanted to kiss a woman so badly in all my life. And over the last decade I have been propositioned by two other coworkers at previous jobs. The new gal, I'll call her Miranda, seems to eat up my attention. She smiles at me with her eyes, leans in toward me when we speak, sometimes stands closer or leans over me a bit when I'm working at her computer. She's began wearing perfume, dressing in mostly skirts etc... She talks with me sweetly, but without overt lovey dovey language, on the phone or when we're alone. She even has accepted two lunches with me since I talked with her, but then something happens and she has to cancel. I'm not looking for someone, but she has my attention. Is she playing me so she can feel good about herself, or is it possible she's working thru feelings too? When I asked her if we could explore a relationship, she thought and said "no, I'm committed to my husband". She didn't say "no I'm madly in love with my husband". Then she said "would it help if I see you more often in the day at work"? I'm totally confused, and affected by this incredibly beautiful 56 year. Most men my age are looking to step out with a 20 something. I can't help but feel my infatuation with her is genuine. HELP!!!!!
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Wow, that gal at the office -- what a piece of work! You said at one point that your skills are highly portable. It might just be timely to get a CV out there circulating and get away from this poisonous individual. Playing games with someone, and their livelihood, like that is just detestable.
I'm pleased that you and your wife are together and talking. I hope that you manage to get your issues resolved in a satisfactory way.
Best of luck.
A
male
reader, Mike.Dan +, writes (21 November 2011):
Mike.Dan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is an update to my situation. After being tempted by my female coworker, then told she wasn't sending me signals, then being "spooned" by her in her cube when she called me to her cubical - I swore this person off. But, like one of the adivsers warned, when I became disinterested, it backfired on me. This woman first started sending me long emails with computer issues she needed fixed. Then she called me to her desk repeatedly, so I started logging the calls - in an eight week period she called me to her desk nearly 30 times to fix "apparent" problems. So I replaced her PC and printer with new, state of the art models, and the calls and emails kept coming. This went on for about 6-8 weeks, along with being asked to look at her boss's PC went that person was out of town. She gradually convinced me that we were going to be friends - telling me "we should go to lunch more often", "you can come to my office anytime", "call me if you need anything". She even went as far as running out of her office one evening after everyone else had left and saying "you gotta come look at the sky!" (lightning storm), followed by a 20 minute internet search of pictures of her last vacation spot. I knew she was making the effort to smooth things out, but felt a little uncomfortable still. I really wanted this to work out for our good. Finally at one point I let my guard down and relaxed thinking "maybe I'm being too uptight here". Then her body gestures stared changing again. She called me into her office twice the week before my vacation and wanted me to fix her computer. Both times when I got to her office, she was on her knees and proceeded to stay under the desk with me while I tried to address the issue - once in a dress - the other time in paper thin capris. The time in her capris she actually positioned herself perpendicularly to me between myself and her printer, on all fours with her back arched, and her rear thrusted out and up just below my face while I was squatting down. Then she told me about a sale at a local art store and when I went after work, she followed me there, and talked with me while she appeared to be shopping for herself. Then while I was on vacation she emailed me about several problems she was having at the office, and carried on friendly banter back and forth. Nothing overtly sexual, but she implied she was waiting for me when I got back. So when I returned from my vacation, none of the issues she had emailed me about were of any importance. She spent the next two weeks being hot and cold and began acting uncomfortable with my presence when other were around - not all the time - just here and there. Then her friend who also works here started to do the same.
So finally I called her and said I thought we should just come to work from now on and ignore one another. During this hour-long call she kept insisting that we didn't need to do that, and for me not to put words in her mouth. Finally when her husband walked up behind her during the call she started saying phrases completely out of context, like "I'm madly in love with my husband" and that's none of your business". When I told her that my wife had left me and took my son she said "so what". Imagine this from the lips of a childless 57 year old woman who professes to be an advocate for children's causes.
The next day at work she went to the president of the company with her friend that also works here, and the two of them tried to have me fired.
Luckily, the company gave some creedence to my side since I had brought this to their attention three months prior to all of this, but my job standing has taken a huge hit. Some people no longer talk with me; I barely get requsitions approved for my department, and we have all these rediculous ground rules to abide by - like I can't go to either of those ummmm "ladies" desks to help them. They now have to go to my boss. And even after all this - this woman has the nerve to every now and then look at me as she's passing by as if she wants me to say hello. She's in a very contolling relationship with her husband, and I think she's seeking whatever attention she can get, but all the while wanting to appear "virtuous" to the people around us. I've tried everything to respect her and be her friend. In spite of this, I really "hurt". It's extremely hard for me to understand how someone could be so dark-hearted but I guess some people have no conscience. Not just that she lured me sexually, but she played with my emotions, caused me pain and was completely indifferent when I was broken. My wife and I are back together now, and we talk about this openly. She's better than I deserve. Every man thinking of hopping the fence should read this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): Your co-worker is enjoying the power she has over you...Its about the power, not sex. Chances are, she rules the roost at home as well. You need let it go. Apologize for allowing personal issues to invade the workplace...which is always a bad idea anyway. She will move on to other game. My guess is that she has some bitterness or resentment from some old jilting or something that she experienced. You are coming across as a weakling in her eyes...and she does not respect your weakness.
On the other hand....if you display strength, it may backfire...and you may arouse her. That is always the danger in the workplace....Chances are, if you don't clean this up...it will not have a harmonious outcome.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Communication is the most important thing in a relationship. Be honest with your wife. IF you love her, and WANT to stay together with her then you should talk to her about your problems. Or you should consider if you really want to be with her... ?! What was right when you met her might not be right today. People can say whatever they want but sex is very important in a relationship, it sounds more like you and your wife are just best friends today. So you have decicions to make... and remember, the key to a succeced relationship is communication!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (26 May 2011):
Hmmm -- things slowed down after six months. You'd hardly be the first guy on whom "bait and switch" was pulled. I'll throw out some possibilities for you to chew on:
1.) She never really cared for sex, but was doing what was necessary to get you;
2.) Pregnancy and childbirth put her off sex, either permanently or for long enough to get out of the habit (and being 'out of the habit' is harder to get over the longer it goes on);
3.) She lost her attraction to you, or since your brush with cancer no longer thinks of you 'that way.'
You'll never know, of course, until she tells you. But sex twice in nine years isn't what you signed up for, and it's totally understandable that you'd be susceptible to another's charms (even if they were illusory this time around).
I guess the first question is, do you want to know why your wife is behaving like this? Could there be an answer you'd rather not know, so that the status quo looks OK? If not, then you sound like a couple who could use some skilled counselling.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Mike.Dan +, writes (26 May 2011):
Mike.Dan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your responses! I got the same good advice from a two hour discussion with my priest, and a confidential meeting with the president of our company yesterday. For the reader's question about cancer - it was me. It was the second time in 16 years, same organ but multiple malignant agressive tumors. My wife has no sexual abuse in her past that I've ever been able to discern, and during the 5 years we dated before marriage we went at it like rabbits. Six months into marriage thigs slowed way down. She's a very healthy looking 50 yr old who gets accused of being 40. She's a wonderful person and we hardley ever fight. I have tried repeatedly over the years to rekindle but the "pinch" or slap on the rear only makes her push or slap me and complain. Maybe she's been in an affair, I'm think I've been afraid to ask.
As for the work Gal, I don't know her issues because she never divulges personal things - although she's made a point to tell me "yuk -that sounds so gross" when I referred to her as Mrs. (Blank) one morning. And before going on vacation she said she didn't want to go but her husband did.
The bottom line is she's not truely interested in going forward, or even being friends - and I realize now that the reason doesn't matter. I was enticed repeatedly, she's pretty and knows it, and like the president of the company said to me - there's no way she doesn't realize what she's doing. No one can repeatedly place their errogenous zones 2"-3" and be unaware of it. So, I got played. Now I don't leave my desk unless asked for by anyone and I keep a log of every time she calls me to her office for help. Maybe with time she will respect me enough for us to have a genuine platonic work relationship; otherwise, I am sure I will leave this job. I'm a Technical Manager and can't aford to trash a lucrative career. I really appreciate everyone not beating me up over this- GOD Bless!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Whatever you do do not pay attention to the aeful flirt at work, try and finda way of talking about sex in a non confrontational way with your wife. Woman need attention and romance and above all positive communication, it sounds like you have thought a lot about what you feel you are missing and have you tried to communicate about it in a positive manner? Regardless of whom had the cancer it know doubt had an impact on feelings in thr relationship. Get back on your horse and start looking at some of the little enjoyable everyday experiences you can enjoy with your wife. Sex is all about communication first.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (25 May 2011):
I'm going off your follow-up rather than anything others have posted. You'd had two different issues -- difficulties with your wife, and the possibility of something with a co-worker. Well, the latter is truly out of the picture, which is probably to the good. So, what does that leave you with?
I'm sorry, but I'm not clear which of you or your wife survived the cancer? I'm suspecting it was you, but clarifying that would help with advice. I have some thoughts, but I'll wait until you respond.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Good lord. This other woman is not good news, and I'm glad you're seeing that even now. She finds your attention really intoxicating, and she wants to keep you at the height of interest without going over the line and threatening her marriage. She is teasing you.
You're right not to even give her the time of day anymore. Go out of your way to avoid her in intimate situations. Become very boring in conversations with her. Tell your wife about your attraction. Remember, you are vulnerable.
Also, think about why you've waited 9 years. I know that it's common, but why not say something at 5 years? 3 years? 2 years? Geeze, if my husband stopped caring about sex for 2 WEEKS, I would say something about it!
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (25 May 2011):
inhothere is a high possibililty that she is having feeling guilt every now and then and hesitating because she is marriedyet there is a big possibility that she is after the attention and nothing more and she is hunting for other men aswellhow long have you been working togeather ?and are there any other men she is after "behind ytour back" ?i believe these two questions would make it clear for you Good Luck
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (25 May 2011):
 First: wrecking someone else's marriage is not the right way to fix yours, either on a practical level or a karmic one. Stop pursuing this woman.
Second: communication with your wife about this is vital. But that does not mean sitting her down and rationally discussing this. Nothing shuts a woman's legs faster than being told she has to lie back and think of England. Instead, get to work with the nonverbal communication. Start going to the gym. Openly check out other women when you're out with your wife (and yes, you have to take her out places). Lovingly rub her shoulders as you walk past her at the house, playfully swat her ass when she walks by you. Pull her in with one arm and kiss her for five to ten seconds before going to work one day. Find a group for mountain climbers, bicylcists, martial artists, or other physical activity, join them, and make friends. Let your wife see you be social and manly among a group, preferably in a leadership position (that may take time to earn). Flirt with the women at these groups. Never apologize for anything, even when you're wrong. Be great with your son. Joke around with your wife and tease her all day, including physical contact like tickling, hugging, pinching, and especially kissing.
Basically, do stuff that shows you are comfortable, attractive, and sexual, and wait for her to reciprocate. The callous, jerkish behavior like refusing to apologize or openly checking out other women may grate on you, given that you sound like a loyal guy, but it's part of the package. It's a clear sign that you're a sexual being with feelings and needs, and a subtle sign that you can get it elsewhere even if you've chosen not to thus far. It's all nonverbal communication, and it's all very powerful stuff. You cannot talk a woman into being attracted to you. You have to stimulate the most primitive parts of her brain, the parts that respond to nonverbal signals. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (25 May 2011):
 This is a fairly common problem and your reaction to a lack of intimacy in your marriage is understandable. I agree with YouWish in that chasing another man's wife is usually a recipe for disaster. The ensuing drama is usually a nightmare and will cause more pain than you can possibly imagine. Take the fantasy to its extreme, suppose she gets discovered and you ruin her marriage. Would you be willing to take up with her and leave your current wife? Is a quickie really worth jeopardizing what you have right now?
Your best solution right now is to try and become re-intimate with your wife. Your wife needs to understand that a man expresses his love and effections sexually. When she withholds sex, she puts all kinds of risks into her marriage -- you are more likely to drift, use porn, or be more prone to be "stolen".
If you can, have your wife read Dr Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Also her "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" could also be a useful book. I'd only recommend using those books if she wants to rekindle what you have -- throwing them at her and saying read this will cause a fight and put her on the defensive. They are very powerful books, in my opinion and if you read them yourself you may get a better understanding of why you are feeling what you are feeling.
Secondly, I would consider having a heart to heart with your wife about it. Consider writing a sweet letter explaining how you feel disconnected and you want to be close to her and that you miss the closeness that you once shared. Express that you feel hurt and rejected when she spurns your advances.
Is there some barrier or hang-up that she has that she doesn't like sex? What excuse does she give you when you initiate sex or discuss the lack of it? You may want to discuss this one on one with a counselor or see one together.
Ultimately, you'll have to weigh whether the lack of intimacy is worth the risk you put on breaking up your family and only you can make that decision. However I will say, divorces aren't cheap (financially and emotionally) and more than likely you will be caught.
Hopefully you'll find an answer to your problems.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Mike.Dan +, writes (25 May 2011):
Mike.Dan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply, You Wish. I agree, this isn't a good situation. After I posted this today, I had to work with the same woman and she positioned her back where it slightly overlapped my chest and stood about two inches from my chest, and her neck and face were within a few inches of mine. She stood there about three straight minutes. The last time I checked, two inches from my face or chest is considered intimate range. So, if anyone harms her and her husband's marriage it will be her. Then she asked me to ride down the elevator to the parking garage to carry a box, and I told her I was trying hard to not hit on her but she was making it difficult with her body posture. I also told her her friendship would mean more to me than to alienate her not have it. After work I talked with her again and asked her if she had any part of her that seemed to be reaching out to me, close friend or otherwise, and she got suddenly VIRTUOUS. So when she came off with her "you need to not ask me those kinds of questions" remark, I said OK, I think you seem uncomfortable, and that wasn't my intent. I'm sorry, please forgive me, my intent was only to be your friend in the first place and I don't know how I got to this point. She lures me for nine months then grows dignity and virtue the second she's asked to be honest. What I take away from this sickening, spinless display of hers for the last nine months is that some women will coax attention out of man, no matter how it affects the man, so long as she gets her "I've Still Got It" fix. What a disappointment in human beings. I've done the honorable thing in being frank about my feelings (which she nurtured for months) and she's like a dog that chases cars, and doesn't know what to do with them when they stop. I do have work on my marriage. I didn't wonder outside of it to get quick relief. The only thing I should be thankful for is this "woman" was able to make me realize I still need and deserve love. Whatever my plight, this woman will never get past a caual hello with me again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Rules help with life.
You want to be a good father, then be one.
Having an affair with a married woman is NOT BEING A GOOD FATHER.
Cheating is NOT BEING A GOOD FATHER.
Going to counseling and working on the marriage IS.
Amicably, honestly, openly, respectfully divorcing or separating IS.
So, you want to be a good father, well, good fathers do good things, not bad things, and they treat the mother well, even if she has problems.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 May 2011):
Okay, first, you are in a vulnerable position in your life. A marriage needs sexual and emotional intimacy to stay vital and vibrant. The only time I can see any stopping of sex being acceptible in a marriage is if one or both members become sick to the point of not being able to have sex, or if BOTH agree that sex isn't that important (it does happen, especially as one gets older).
However, and I want to make this clear to you. If you are suffering 9 years without intimacy, going after another man's wife is NOT the way to handle this. You are chasing a mirage. Don't ever go have a married affair. You may think it's your key to freedom and happiness, but you will cause and experience so much heartache and misery in the end that how you feel right now will be a cakewalk.
No, sir. The way to handle this is to have a serious talk with your wife. Tell her that you can not go any longer without sex. Tell her that you have been fighting the urge to cheat because of your sexual deprivation. Talk to her about the urgency of this. Many women don't realize how serious a man's need for sex is.
You and your wife would benefit from going to a counselor. Many women will lose interest in sex due to either physical reasons (menopause, medications, depression, etc), or psychological reasons (deep seeded resentment, loss of respect, if you've had a prior affair, if there's an ongoing fight, both of you losing touch,).
If you love your wife, don't take the easy way out by wrecking another man's marriage. Don't cheat on her. Give the marriage more love, care, and effort that you've ever given anything. And if your wife ignores your plea and nothing works, then leave the marriage. You have a son - you can leave his mom and still be a good and attentive father to him.
Trust me, you will hurt your son far worse if he found out that you betrayed his mom by cheating on her. He won't understand the lack of sex issue....just that you hurt her immeasurably.
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