A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused by this man, who I love with all of my heart. I do not know what to do. Everyone tells me different advice, and I don't have any idea who is right.I met this man four years ago while I was in another relationship, and when that one ended we got together. We have been together for three years, and things were awesome. He was always very shy, which meant I had to take the reigns a lot on the relationship, but it was wonderful. We moved in together after a year, and things just kept getting better. Then everything suddenly changed when I graduated from college. We had been starting to talk about the future, and he seemed really into the idea of getting married - he even suggested we elope.I graduated in December, and he suddenly became very angry and distant. Nothing I did was right - he was down about himself, about life, about everything. I knew that he had Seasonal Affective Disorder, so I thought that this was the reason. But it all started to get to be too much. One night he got sick with food poisoning and was just so sick, that I was really worried about him. The next day, he was insistent that we went to watch a football game with friends. But I questioned if he was actually all right, and if it was a good idea - and he blew up. He told me to quit patronizing him. I got very angry, but decided to take some time to cool off. So when he asked if I was coming, I said no, and he left. I spent the night wallowing with my girlfriend about how I wasn't sure what was going on with him, that he'd been treating me like a nuisance, and she said that I should talk to him.When I got home, he berated me, asked where I had been, why I didn't call, etc. I lost it and said that I went out with my girlfriend because I was so angry and hurt by how he had been treating me - like a nuissance and a burden to be around, and that's when he dropped the bomb. "Well maybe we're just done". I started crying, and he tried to apologize, but at this point I felt so bad I couldn't hold back the tears. I told him I had been feeling terrified that his feelings for me had changed (even though he had just told me two days before that he loved me). He said that he just couldn't stand making someone so sad. WE kind of made up, but in the morning, he was different. Cold, again. I went to work, and called him on his break, asking if he would like to see me. He said he had to pass because he was at a friend's house (a male friend), and assured me he would be home when I got home.When I got home, I told him that I did not want to break up, that we should talk about things, and that we could work through this. But he said no. He said we were done, that he did not feel the same way about me any more, that there was no future for us any more, and that he was not ready to get married. He also said he would probably never find another person again. I was devastated, but moved out three days later. I cried every night for a week. A week afterwards I tried to talk to him about it, to ask what he felt was wrong with the relationship,and he told me the most confusing BS ever. He said it was not me that made him unhappy, and that it was not the relationship - but that he just wasn't happy. He also reiterated he no longer saw a future with us and that it was too late to work on things. But he also insisted on being friends.I somehow managed to pick up the pieces, and got some counseling. I was starting to do better, but he started to ask me if I would like to go to events with mutual friends. I declined and said I felt uncomfortable still, and did not know if we could be just friends. He stopped for a while, and I really started to work on myself. I gave up on him, in a sense, but my feelings had not changed. One night out at a friend's show, we ran into each other. He was kind of drunk and started to try to talk about the break up. He was pretty guilty, going on and on about how unsure he was of what he could offer me, how my parents must hate him, how his mom wanted him to return all of my gifts I had given for christmas. He also kept talking about the past, old memories. I tried very hard not to give in to any of it, and said to just focus on the show. He kept putting his arm around me, etc. I ended up driving him home, and he invited me in to talk, and he kept sighing saying how bad he felt about things, reiterated how much he wanted to be friends "or something". I told him that I did enjoy spending time with him, but was enjoying doing my own thing.Two weeks went by and I didn't hear from him again. I got invited to a friends' house with a couple people, and while I was there my ex called to ask to come over. I said it was fine as long as he knew I was there -- aparently he came right over. A friend and I decided to go to the bar after a while, and I invited some people to go along. My ex texted me later (I didn't see the message) and showed up where we were. We all hung out for a while, had a good time for the most part, but it was awkward because my friend told us that we needed to hurry up and get back together. We laughed it off (even though it was actually really hard to swallow). Later that night my ex asked me if I could come over and talk, after everyone had gone to sleep. I reluctantly agreed, and we ended up talking all night and he played me a bunch of music he had loved playing for me when we were together. I ended up staying the night. Thinking I had ruined everything and was never going to hear from him again, I decided to not reach out after that. And I didn't hear from him for another two weeks.We got invited to the same party, and I was really shocked to see him there. I tried to keep it cool the whole time. Some friends and I decided to go to this show after the party, and he asked to tag along. He talked with me all night, barely paid any attention to anyone else. He asked me how my life was, where I was living now, etc. I tried to keep the focus on him, and what his plans were nowadays, told him I thought he was very smart and that his college plans sounded great. He got upset and said he felt like everyone had these unfair expectations of him because he was "so smart". Somehow I steered the conversation back to positive, and we ended up having a great time. We went back to our friends' house, and the three of us stayed up almost all night listening to music and talking about life. After our friend went to bed, my ex still wanted to talk to me, etc. Now this is where I decided to try and at least start being friends again. I didn't know if it would go into anything more, but I also knew that he seemed to be intensely enjoying my company. So a few days later I called him up and asked if he wanted to go to lunch. He declined lunch, but when I said I was going to watch the hockey game at a bar, he insisted on going. We met up and he said he "was worried about me going to the bar all by myself!". His roommmate and friend met up with us later and we had a great time, and we all went back to our apartment. Again, my ex wanted to stay up and talk all night. But this time he invited me to spend the night officially. Long story short, we ended up sleeping together. After that, we seemed to be back together. We spent time together every other day, he would call to ask me to sleep over and was very disappointed when I couldn't. Then suddenly things got weird again. He stopped texting or calling. He didn't respond to my texts (and I would only send one a day, or less - I'm not crazy). We had made plans to go to a concert on Friday, and I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Friday came and I saw him at work, and he said he'd call after work. He didn't call, so I texted him to ask if he wanted to get together before or just meet up at the concert. No response. So I went to the concert on my own, thinking he probably just ended up taking a nap after work, and that he'd for sure be there. He never showed. I was devastated. I knew now that yes, there was something wrong. So the next day I called him and left a message, asking what had happened, and if he needed space or anything, and that he shouldn't feel bad or avoid asking for it. He called back later, and said he was sorry, that he had fallen asleep - I felt relieved, and asked to spend time with him that night - but he said no. When I asked why, he said that he had been avoiding me all week for a reason, and that he didn't want to spend time at all, and that "we weren't together any more". I told him that he could not treat me like this, that it was unfair to me to string me along if that's what had been going on, and that I felt entirely disrespected by how he had avoided me rather than face up to how he was feeling. He said we would have to talk about it someday in the future and hung up.Later that night, he called me, drunk, apologizing for the way he had been treating me, and that he was just so confused. He felt like we'd never broken up. He said a huge part of him wanted to be with me, that I was his first love, but had no idea what he wanted. He threatened to pick up girls at a bar - and I said that if he wanted to continue with me, he could not do this. I said I did not believe in casual sex or casual relationships - and he said he agreed. So when I asked him what had been going on between us, he said he had no idea but was sure it wasn't casual. He said he had not been involved with anyone else but me, etc etc. Then he started lamenting about everyone's expectations of him and how hard everything was. He said that we could never be friends because he was afraid of what he would do - and that he felt pressure too because he knew I would want something more. He reiterated that I was his first love but wasn't sure, maybe there was something better out there... But that he had enjoyed spending time with me. He said that the intimacy was awesome, but that he "wanted something more". Basically he said that we could not talk any more, and that I should not contact him for 5 years. And then he hung up. I felt horrible, and had just started to cry when he called back and had basically changed his mind about not talking. He wanted to talk about all his problems and everything - I was pretty fed up, so I asked if he would rather talk to a friend about this, and he said no, that it needed to be me. He said if I really wanted to be with him so bad, that I should be super pissed, and explode at him. I told him that I was angry,that I even wanted to explode, but that I couldn't, and that there was no way I could force him into a relationship if it wasn't what he wanted.Some time later I asked him if he had not been drunk if he would have even called, and he said "he could fix that" and then hung up. I haven't heard from him since. It's been about 8 or 9 days.So my question is. Why is he doing this? I am pretty damn sure he loves me at this point. But why? He never gave me any legit reasons for the break up (I had to ask a friend of his just to find out that "he felt like he was treating me horrible"). There is no other woman, he has insisted on this, and even said things like he doesn't know if he will ever find someone like me again. I know I didn't follow any sort of rules for the break up - I only knew how to pick up the pieces and maintain balance, since we have so many mutual friends. I do love this man unconditionally, do want to have him back, would do almsot anything for him. But if I just need to move on, I will suck it up and do it somehow. But honestly. Do you guys think he will come back? Is there something I could do to fix this? I would love to start over, not jump right back in like I feel we did. I feel horrible about the way that last conversation went - and I can't help but feel like he needed something from me that I wasn't giving to him, that he needed to help him decide to be with me.:( I don't know what to do. This guy is not a womanizer, is a genuinely nice guy - I don't feel like he was playing me or anything. I just don't know what to do. Also, he has started to acknowledge me at work again. I am just so confused. Do I give him space to figure this out? Do I try to talk to him? What the heck do I do? I don't really want to lose him.
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at work, christmas, drunk, ex called, get back together, move on, moved in, moved out, my ex, shy, swallow, text, womaniser Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Here's my guess. He is constantly breaking up and making up because he is an adrenaline junkie and he thrives on drama. The giveaway is the moment he got disappointed because you didn't explode on his bullshit. The thing you can't give him is the excitement that naturally wears off after the infatuation period. The break ups will only become more frequent and the gaps wider, until you are so exhausted that there is no more love left.
You keep on thinking that it's you who are not giving him What he needs. Well it's actually him who's not givinh you the stability you need. The next relationship you will say to yourself, "I am too old for on and off relationships," and cut them off cold turkey.
He is inconsiderate and immature. Not a good candidate for husband material. He does not deserve your friendship and understanding. One does not need to be a player to suck up your energies in a relationship. You are frustrated and it sounds like you had been mind fucked by him for a long time. He might have issues like a personality disorder and thinks that dramatic ups and downs is love. I had a person telling me he was uncomfortable with silence and serenity.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): It sounds like he may have a problem with alcohol and it is exascerbating a pre-existing mental health condition.
He needs to seek counseling. If you decide to get back together with him, couple counseling needs to be agreed upon. His problems with communication need professional mediation.
If he will not agree to counseling, you need to cut off contact with him completely so you can heal.
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