A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys. Just a quick one after your views. Had a deep passionate emotional sexual affair with a women who was in a relationship with a man she feels no spark, attraction for, lasted a year and a half. She does however love him and he is like her best friend. It broke down as she wouldent leave.The affair has just started again and its confused us both. She has split with him and she has told him its over, they dont sleep together but were together a long time. However they still do things together and have hobbies in common and she has said to give him up would be like asking me to give up my best friend for her and she cannot have a proper relationship with me as it isnt fair on me in this situation. I agree and have told her.She was desperate to see me the other night and when we met up she was cold and distant and had met her friend the night before we were supposed to meet and spoke about the whole thing with her and decided to go away with her ex on a holiday that was pre booked last year, just to get away two days later. When we met up i left as she was all over the place nearly crying about the attraction she has for me but the friendship she has with her ex and she cannot give me her all even though she has lost her spark with her ex. Her excuse when we met not for going out was that we would have ended up in bed! Now this is a problem for her as she cannot resist me but prob needs space.I was wondering what to do. Three into two doesnt go. Will she follow the attraction and what could be or sticking to what she knows and being unhappy? She knows i love her but have told her i wont wait. Hoping she will realises when shes away she is in a dead relationship and in order to do something about it she will have to end it completely. Either that or end things with me where there is all the atraction and potential? Not sure if to hold in or walk away? Tough one.Help needed!
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affair, best friend, her ex, needs space, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): I am just like the girl you're worried about. In fact, when I read your post at first I got chills because I thought you might be the "other man" in my life. I came to the boards looking for advice, too. But if I were you I would back off, leave her, and try to move on. I have told "the other man" that I thought I wanted to be with him, but that my life is too tumultuous with him in it, and I am going to stay with my boyfriend (who I am currently on a break from). But "other man" can't see what I'm afraid of and can't seem to let it go. But I would feel better if he would try to move on, and if in the end I do leave my boyfriend (for my own reasons-not related to "other man"), maybe I will try to get back in touch, but I will not count on it.
Even (best case) if you stick around, show patience and support, and she does leave him for you, your relationship will have all the trauma associated with her break up. Because believe me she will miss him and a part of her will resent you for making her leave him. But if you leave and give her time to either stay with her boyfriend, or to break up with him for the right reasons, some day she may find you again. That's my advice coming from the other side.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (8 May 2008):
 Personally I think you have said it yourself i.e. three into two doesn't go.
You will always be the one of the outside and although there is the attraction there do you really want to be just that and nothing more.
She keeps the ex around for the general things i.e. hobbies and holidays etc, admittedly that was pre-booked but she has not made a choice here. She keeps the ex close by as she doesn't want to hurt him but in turn she never really lets you get too close to her either as no man or woman would be comfortable with an ex being on the scene as much as your situation.
You have told her that you love her and there is nothing more you can do right now. The fact that you have been open and honest with her I feel is great.
Don't sit around and wait for this woman to decide as it may never happen and you have a life to live and we only ever get one chance at it so don't live it constantly being second best. You have to be number 1 in your partners life otherwise what is the point of the relationship eh!!
I know it sounds like it is easy and believe me I know how different the real situation can be but you need to have your sanity and to be in control of your life and your destiny and what you want out of life at the end of the day. I can't imagine it being a woman, maybe children and oh her ex being constantly around and family holidays together.
You sound like you are strong and you need to now stick to your guns as the fun factor element you have with this woman is fine but only if there wasn't the third wheel involved all the time.
Keep us posted eh! Started typing this a while ago and only now got back to it so big apologies for that.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 May 2008):
 You will just be wasting your time and effort keeping this going. Cut your losses, when push comes to shove you'll be the one in the dust.
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A
female
reader, SOLBE69 +, writes (8 May 2008):
Wow, I don't know how old you are, but I guess people of any age can get into this situation. I can't speak for all women, but I can speak for many.
1. A man and A woman + Attraction + Great Sex + Affection + Conversation + Spark + Great conversation = "they will leave anybody for"
2. If you shut her off, and walk away, she is going to miss the sex, and looking into your oh so sexy eyes.
3. Consider the fact that she may be polyamorous, some men an women are, which means that in order for their needs to be filled, they must be involved with more than 1 person. These people are out there, and we tend to label them cheaters, they are not cheaters, they are polyamorous, and they usually self-disclose when they tell you that they love 2 or 3 people at once and can't let go of anyone. Polyamorous people don't get more honest than that, don't fool yourself thinking that you can change them. You can't. It's like trying to change a leaopards spots.
4. If she was really that attracted and into you, she would leave him for you. There is someway that she is benefiting from her relationship with that other guy, and it has nothing to do with simply "friendship" you can find "friendship" in so many places, there is something more that she isn't telling you. You may just be a really great love and this is all that she wants from you. If that is what you are, then e-mail me, and we can discuss a counter strategy.
HAVE FUN!
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A
female
reader, SOLBE69 +, writes (8 May 2008):
Wow, I don't know how old you are, but I guess people of any age can get into this situation. I can't speak for all women, but I can speak for many.
1. A man and A woman + Attraction + Great Sex + Affection + Conversation + Spark + Great conversation = "they will leave anybody for"
2. If you shut her off, and walk away, she is going to miss the sex, and looking into your oh so sexy eyes.
3. Consider the fact that she may be polyamorous, some men an women are, which means that in order for their needs to be filled, they must be involved with more than 1 person. These people are out there, and we tend to label them cheaters, they are not cheaters, they are polyamorous, and they usually self-disclose when they tell you that they love 2 or 3 people at once and can't let go of anyone. Polyamorous people don't get more honest than that, don't fool yourself thinking that you can change them. You can't. It's like trying to change a leaopards spots.
4. If she was really that attracted and into you, she would leave him for you. There is someway that she is benefiting from her relationship with that other guy, and it has nothing to do with simply "friendship" you can find "friendship" in so many places, there is something more that she isn't telling you. You may just be a really great love and this is all that she wants from you. If that is what you are, then e-mail me, and we can discuss a counter strategy.
HAVE FUN!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Youre just a sexual attraction, her ex offers her something much deeper, just the sex isn't there because youve stolen it. Given time she will choose him over you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Umm, sounds like you both are pretty messed up! I'd say what a B!TCH on her part for even daring to cheat on someone she didn't love! She should have just broke up with him but she was too much of a coward! And for you, how dare you sleep with someone for that long in which case you knew was in a relationship! Shame on both of you! Personally, now that you are experiencing problems, only seems rightful and carma is just having its way. She is emotionally invested in both of you fools and is playing with your mind. If you were smart I'd RUN!
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