A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i am lesbian,33 and my civil partner is 24..i told alot of lies in the 1st yr of our relationship and when i got caught out i stopped as i do not want to lose her..she forgave me on condition that i never lie to her again..i have kept my side up but when ever we fight she throws it up in my face and the guilt from what i did keeps me from answering back..also whenever we fight she says he wants out and when we make up she says that she just claims to want out to hurt me..our love life has taken a dive and we are fighting more constantly now until i go and put the 'fire out' and then we get on until the next fight..we have been together for 2yrs in August this year..i do not want to lose her but i cant keep on going like this the pattern has to stop..please help? what do i do to fix this?
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female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (25 May 2008):
 I had a similar situation to this when I had lied about something early in our relationship. The truth eventually came out and we discussed it in depth. I apologized until I was blue in the face when in truth it had got to the point where I wasn't sure if I was sorry at all any more. I felt the subject was done to death but my husband raised it whenever we had a row whatever the row was about. I too felt such guilt that I listened to this time and time again. This went on for years with him constantly harping back to my early mistakes. Eventually I could take this no more and said 'please I have apologized to you over this a million times and I would do anything to have the time back so I could have behaved differently but I can't. I really am so so sorry but do we have to raise this everytime we have a row.' He calmly told me that the truth of the matter was he couldn't really forgive me and deeply wished he had left me when I had lied but hadn't had the guts at the time. He was disappointed in his own weakness! I was dumbfounded by this revelation. I believe people think and view things very differently. I am very forgiving by nature and believe there are many reasons why people do or say things. Rarely are lies said to hurt someone, normally to cover things up or get you out of something without hurting the other party. I tried to say to my husband that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes that when I lied I hadn't done it to hurt him personally. This didn't particularly work in my favour but by stressing that nothing was intentional it slightly calmed things. 15 years later when we argue these lies are still levelled at me and I find I am still justifying myself! I have turned off now and just go into the automatic responses that I have given for years. I don't understand this kind of behaviour as I am not that way inclined. With some people it may depend on the lie but I think there is a finite time for anything.
My advice would be when you are getting on very well and feel loving towards each other gently raise the subject and tell her how much it upsets you when she constantly raises the past. Re-affirm how sorry you are and that you would do anything to change the past and then ask her to please not bring the subject up again when you argue. Tell her you are trying to put the past behind you and that this is not helpful to you in the relationship. Tell her how much you love her and respect her and that you wouldn't hurt her like this if she had done something wrong so could she please try not referring to it in the future. Raising any issues like this is best done when you are in the mood to agree and please each other not during the row itself. I wish you all the best,
A
female
reader, Cyg79  +, writes (25 May 2008):
 I’ve always been of the attitude of if its not working then leave. However, you express an interest in trying to “fix” your relationship, a task that can only be done if you’re both willing to work at it. First off, saying things in a fight for the sole purpose of hurting someone is a red flag in my book. Fights are charged with emotions, but that does not make the comments right or justified, especially if they are a re occurrence. If she brings up your lying in a fight you need to say, I’ve apologized for this already, if you still feel very strongly about this we should talk about it in a little bit when we both have had time to cool down. If she says that she wants to leave you in a heated argument, I would again end the argument and come back to it when you both have cooled off some. End the fights before they become heated, since emotion has a tendency to take over. With this said I think that you both need to sit down and discusses where things are heading and if you both feel you have a future together. Because if you both don’t want to fix things, I’m not sure there is much you can do. I wish you the best of luck and I admire your courage in your willingness to try and fix things.
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