A
male
age
36-40,
*ich549
writes:Sorry for the long post.About 2 years ago my girlfriend started a relationship with her friend for about 2 months behind my back (we had been together for 3 years at the time). They had been online and phone friends for years before we were together and talked frequently on the phone while me and her were in a relationship which i was ok with cus they were just friends and had never actually met.So two years ago they decided to meet each other in person and that they would try a relationship. She saw him for a week in london while she was visiting her nan (her friend lives in london too), he took her sightseeing all the time cus she used to love london as its where she was born, but she admitted that they went back to his flat and they were alone there for a bit and when they were kissing on the sofa, he put his hand on her leg but she says she pushed him away when he started to move it towards her crotch, this happened on the last day of the week she was down there, also i know she didnt stop with him overnight or anything cus she would call me from her nans house when she got back eery night and we would speak on the phone during the day etc. They continued to then hang out in the town where we live, she says they just talked and walked about with each other but she also said that he came back to her house where they were alone again (her parents were out), however she says he was just there to take a look at her computer cus i said it was broken and needed to be sent back and she wanted a 2nd opinion. She swears to me, promises me and assures me that she it never got to sex even though they were in love because she didnt want that with him.When i found out that something was going on i asked her to stop seeing him and she stopped seeing him completely but stayed in phone contact until about 6 months later when she severed their "friendship" completely, she swears it went no further than kissing and that she only did it cus he has always been there for her emotionally, she thought she in love with him, she was bored with our relationship and needed the emotional support he provided her.She has lied to me for the last 2 years about this so that i wouldnt get hurt and has told me 4 different stories for it (each one with more details because she didnt want to hurt me or lose me), to start with she said they only kissed once at the train station (which i saw), then that changed to she had kissed before then while seeing him in london, then it became they kissed most of the time, and then finally that it was a relationship.So they saw each other almost every weekend for about 2 and a half months (including the week she spent with her nan in london) until i asked her to stop seeing him cus i wasnt comfortable and knew something was happening.Anyway, recently i decided to get to the bottom of this myself, i sent a text from her phone to him (got the number off an old bill) saying that i (posing as her) was going to email him with something that i needed him to do for me (as her).SO i setup a new hotmail account in her name and sent him an email asking him to email her bf (me) and tell me the truth about what they had done together, he did this and in his email he said that they had sex twice, once at his flat and again at her house, i then went on to ask him more questions (as her) and he started to say things to her like "i loved you a long time before we met and i was definetely in love with you before we f*ck*d" an stuff like that, whereas to the real me he was describing most of what they did together and that the sex was unprotected (makes sense cus my girlfriend was on the pill at the time), what doesnt make sense is that my gf has never been comfortable with sex even with me, and she lost her virginity to me. But it all stems from her being sexually abused as a child so if she cant be comfortable having sex with her boyfriend who was her one and only at the time then why would she do it with him? She still isnt totally comfortable with sex now and has to hold my wrist while i touch her so she feels in control, but he says she was totally relaxed with him and didnt try to stop him touchng her once.I showed all this to her and after she was angry at me for going behind her back and talking to him she still denies that sex was never involved and that he must have known it ws me really emailing him under her name, she swears she would do something like that because she loves me and she deeply regrets what happeneded anyway and would never have unprotected sex with him or sex with any other guy at all while she was with me and the kissing was bad enough.I really dont know what to believe, the things he said to me and to what he thought was my girlfriend were so believable, he even didnt know i was her boyfriend back then, he thought me and her were just mates and i was trying to get between them all the time they were seeing each other, she admits that our relationship with each other had to be secret otherwise he wouldnt have stayed friends with her in any of the 3 years before this happened so she would have lost the emotional support she needed.Who should i believe and does anyone else think it might have gotten to sex? Ive heard that most emotional cheating does involve sex shortly after the first kiss?
View related questions:
kissing, text, the pill, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Rich549 +, writes (27 May 2008):
Rich549 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, i can see what you all mean, i know i didnt completely the wrong thing but i was desperate to find out if she was still lying to me.
Since all this happened we have talked about it all, why it happened, our feelings on what happened and for each other.
She is in love with me and knows she did the wrong thing, i realise now that i have never been emotionally available to her and kept my feelings hidden for too long and he friend was willing to show his true feelings to her and be upset in front of her etc which i just couldnt do.
Ive chosen to believe her when she says that she didnt have sex with him, but i guess i will never really know as he has plenty of reasons to deny it and he has emailed me previously about havin sex with her and my g/f emailed him back denying it all and asking him why he had to lie so much, to which he replied that she knows what really happened and to just admit it to me.
Im in love with her and she is in love with me, i want to give her another chance but this whole thing juist bothers me so much that im always thinking about what they might hve done, the last thing i want is to break up with her...
What can i do?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): Ii think if you resorted to pretending to be her setting up an email account and contacting this guy behind her back speaks volumes. This relationship is already over, if you try and cling onto it, you both will become even more psychologically scarred and damaged.
Just let it go, call it bad timing, lack of maturity and an unwillingness to love and be loving on both your parts....it is time to put this one to rest and start healing, alone, without each other.
Tell her you are sorry but you just can't do this anymore, the trust is gone, it was both your faults and you don't think the relationship is salvageable beyond possibly being civil to each other in the future.
Life is short, you don't need this, you both fell out of love and made a conscious decision to not love the other...
Look for a better kind of woman, one who is more mature and not had issues in childhood that she hasn't saught therapy for, it takes two whole and healthy people to have a great relationship....you have work to do on yourself and so does she.
Sorry this happened, but sometimes love sucks.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): She cheated on you. Wether she had sex with him or not she was still dishonest and went behind your back. I think that the trust in this relationship has been ruined by her actions.I'm sorry sweety, but would you ever really get over this? Is she really worth all this pain.You may never find out the truth. If you stay with her then you will have to live with the fact that were lied to by her (even if she is telling you the truth about not having sex). Do you think you will ever be able to forgive and forget?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): At the end of the day, would it make a lot of difference if she had slept with him or not? She still cheated on you with him. She was in a romantic relationship with this guy, as far as he knew anyway; she used him and relied on him for things she could be getting from her boyfriend.She's lied to you in the past, the likelihood is, she'll lie to you again. If she's capable of carrying on with someone without even telling him she has a boyfriend back home, who knows what else she's capable of?It was a very distrusting and manipulative thing to do, to email the guy in question, and you haven't even got to the bottom of it. He might have figured out it was you and told you what he thought would make you break up with your girlfriend, leaving him free to make his move on her. It is very suspicious for a girl to ask her cheat to tell her partner everything; he probably saw right through you. But whoever you choose to believe, you can't trust this girl; she's proven that to you. She's spent the majority of your relationship hiding things from you and lying to you, and if you stay together you're going to get hurt, period. Whether it's from her cheating again, or your suspicion and jealousy consuming you.
...............................
|
