A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm really in trouble. My new husband have just taken out a remortgage on my house so that he can set up in business and make a better life for us. I'm much older than him and this was a very big thing for me to do, but I trusted him as I would have if we were the same age. However, as the time got nearer for the money to go through I was feeling more and more concerned inside, but I couldn't understand why. In fact by this past weekend I was feeling quite unwell. I put it down to the risk I was taking but something else felt wrong to me. Then last night we were checking the internet for car insurance for myhusband and needed to put his e mail address. He has been very cagey about giving his e mail address lately and I was getting suspicious as to why. We had problems about a year ago with him using loads of different porn sites and then lying about it when I found him out. I let him off because I thought he was just behaving like a naughty school boy that had been caught reading dirty magazines. And other than that he was a good husband. But last night after persuading him to use one of his e mail sites, which he had told me for several weeks was not active, he reluctantly opened it and there was an e mail from 'sex partners' - a live sex site, and since our last problem he had told me he no longer went to these sites. I then asked to see his other e mail sites, which he then lied about and said he no longer had - but I had seen one of them as he'd left it on the computer when I opened it to use it - and there he mistakenly opened the sent box. In the sent box was a lady called 'delicious' and when I opened that message he had said he'd seen her on you tube and wanted to know her name.He gave her his telephone number and said he was waiting tohear from her. She obviously never replied, so he gave her the same e mail a few days later. When I questioned him he said it was just a sex line, that it didn't matter because it wasn't real, it was just internet sex. I was shocked, this seemed very different to me, giving your telephone number to a woman and saying you're waiting for a message from her. I told him to get out, mostly because of the lies he had told me. I haven't slept all night. I have to now cancel the mortgage I've just taken out and my life is so turned upside down. He is pleading to come back, but I don't trust him anymore. This is the second time he's lied, and he constantly stares at women, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. I've felt my confidence and self-esteem go down and down. I'm not getting younger. If I stay with him I feel it will get worse as I beat myself up for getting older because he is so fascinated by other women. The problem is the old one. I love him, and I really do believe he loves me. But he's Turkish, and they have different views on taking another woman. Trouble is I'm English, and I don't. Please, someone out there can you help me. I'm desperate. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): I think you did what your gut was telling you. You are old enough to know that women are more intuitive than men, you know something is up with this guy, you can feel it in your gut. What keeps you stuck is that you genuinely love him and you thought he loved you too.
I am suspicious about the difference in your ages and the fact that he is using the fact that you are more financially established and using your mortgage to finance a business, where you are at the age where you may not want to take that kind of financial risk, you are nearing an age when you can't make up for that loss if his business goes belly up.
Under no circumstances would I take him back under those conditions. If he wants to start a business then he needs to do that with someone else's money, like a small business loan. There is no reason to beat yourself up about getting older, it isn't a character flaw, it is nature, and I am sure your husband is attracted to you or he wouldn't be with you. He is not a naughty school boy, he is a disrespectful husband and he may be somewhat of a sociopath and is in fact using you for what he can get out of you. Your gut knows the truth, as hard as it is, change the locks, get a restraining order, a divorce and take time to grieve and heal, and get rid of the scum.
You take care, hun, you will be just fine, you sound like a strong woman to me.
A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (2 April 2008):
 If he loves you, he would understand that him being on sex lines, and watching porn upsets you and he shouldn't do it for this reason if nothing else. He should respect your wishes whether he's Turkish or not. If he had views that women shouldn't look at other men in such ways, you'd respect his wishes wouldn't you? You have to compremise. If he wants to be with you, he's gotta change his ways because what he is doing is making you upset.
If you got back together, you'd probably be checking on him all the time, going through his emails, checking his phone etc. I don't think getting back together will make you happier than you are now.
Yes, you'd be back together but you won't trust him. He knew before he was on the sex lines that you were upset by him looking up such things on the internet so what makes you think he won't do it again should you take him back?
If he wants you back, then make HIM make the first move. If he says he's going to CHANGE for you, make him prove it. But you shouldn't be the one trying to get the relationship going again. You weren't in the wrong.
If he loves you, he'll fight for you and try to get you back.
Just sit tight. If he comes back, then make him prove that he's going to treat you with more respect.
If he doesn't come back, he's obviously not worth it.
Take care xxx
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