| A
male
,
*oaf
writes: What follows is a story that I still find it hard to get my head around.I live in Reading. I was married for ten years, but have been single again since 1995. I’ve had a few relationships since then, but nothing serious until this year.In February I met a lady off Dating Direct. She was 39, separated and with two daughters who didn’t live with her. She was lodging in Basingstoke and had a high pressure job in London. We got famously and in April I paid for us to go to Dubai and had a fabulous holiday. On the last but night I took her to the Burj Al Arab’s famous underwater restaurant. Where I proposed and she accepted. Everything seemed to be perfect. I thought I’d found my soul-mate. I don’t fall in love easily, but my guard was lowered and I felt like I’d never felt before.She did tell me she was a bankrupt which I took on board.I spoilt her rotten and was even going to give her an engagement ring worth £16,000 which I’d made myself (my job). She moved in with me in about May.Then in July we attended a party in Goring held by a friend of mine. Towards the end of the evening the host was singing my praises as to what a nice guy I was. (Which I’d like to think I am). My girlfriend suddenly decided I had ‘designs’ on this woman. (Which I didn’t) We went into the kitchen where she physically attacked me. Punching and kicking me. I tried my hardest to calm her down all to no avail. I decided to keep quiet in a hope that she would calm down. I ordered a taxi and when it arrived she attacked me again outside. We took the taxi back to my house, but all the way home she was verbally abusive to me. Back at my house she said she was going to drive back to Basingstoke I didn’t stop her due to her state of mind and I didn’t want to antagonise her.Ten minutes later she called and criticised me for letting her leave having had so much to drink. She also realised she’d been stupid and asked me to come and get her as she was still in the car park by my house. I refused, saying as I’d done absolutely nothing wrong she should come back of her own accord.On Sunday, the following day, she was very apologetic. I suggested we take a step back in the relationship and that she should move back to Basingstoke, but we would carry on seeing each other and try to build some bridges. She stayed with me that night.On the Monday she awoke and said that she didn’t want to go to work. I said that she should and that we would talk later. I went to work and after I had to take my mother down to Yeovil in Somerset to her sister who she was going on holiday with.I picked up my mother at 7:00pm and headed on down. We were not far from Yeovil when I got a text message on my phone. My mother wanted to stop for a cigarette. Where a looked at the message. It was from the guy she used to lodge with in Basingstoke. It said that he’d just phoned my girlfriend and she said that she was at my house and that she’d taken an overdose. I immediately called him and between us we arranged an ambulance and police to break into my house. I had to explain all this to my mother. All the way back it was a mixture of emotions for me. One minute angry, the next sympathetic. I’ve already lost a close friend who committed suicide leaving a wife and baby daughter.I got back to Reading and to the hospital. My girlfriend didn’t want to see me to start with and I waited for two hours till she did. It was still touch and go at this point whether she’d survive. She did and I collected her from hospital the following day. It turned out that she had tried to do this before a few years back.If the guy in Basingstoke hadn’t called her that night I would have returned from Yeovil to find her dead at my house. And I would have had to tell her daughter what she’d done. This still haunts me and I have had many nightmares about it.The relationship basically ended there. We did try to get back together for a little while, but it wasn’t the same. I still find all this difficult to take in. I don’t know how I should feel. I do still love her, but I know there is no way back.Just wondered what you thought.
View related questions:
bankrupt, get back together, moved in, on holiday, soul mates, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): wow it sounds like she had way too much on her plate to be an equal in a relationship . If that is her response above she is telling you that. SHe has said she is sorry and that she feels you expected too much and she was ashamed of her actions. She also very clearly states that the love is no longer there and may never exist. Basically whilst this hurts you horribly the fact is she has given you very clear closure something that often doesn't happen even when marriages break down. I've so often heard people say years later that they really don't know why a relationship ended. Often that is because the person that leaves the relationship either does not like the person enough to tell them or they are ashamed about their reasons for leaving and say nothing. You experienced a very sad ending but have the closure you need to move on. Know that it appears very much that she was unable to sustain a relationship at that time and that there is nothing to apologize for on your part being able to love someone is a gift . I hope your heart is open to loving again. Best of Luck
A
female
reader, soul mate +, writes (15 December 2005):
Dear Toaf - Remember their are two sides to every story and then there is the truth.
How would we respond if we heard the other side of the story? Would it possibly go like this :
In February I met a man through a dating agency. I was 39, Divorced (5yrs now) and have a 21yr old daughter and a 12 yr old daughter - The youngest lives with her father (Background: He broke the joint custody and moved out of the area to be with a new partner - I made the hardest decision of my life to elect for my daughters happiness rather than my own as she loved her new school as she had been bullied in her old and I went from having her 4 or 3 days per week to every fortnight. It broke my heart and yes I took an overdose as I had become so tired of life and did'nt want to go on - but with counselling re-built my life). I had my own business and unfortunately due to various things this collapsed and I had to declare myself bankrupt.)
All things said - I realised you could take possessions away from me but underneath you could never take away who I was and what I stood for and the goodness in a persons heart.
I was taken as a surprise to Dubai - He says he paid, why did he have to mention that? is he so money motivated. It was a surprise a gift of love. He says he spoilt me rotten, love is a two way street - shame he forgot the little things I did, possibly as they had no monetary value but remember the best things in life are free.
Love is unconditional, kind, forgiving, caring.
We were so happy, so in love - I was'nt putting cost or anything on our relationship just love.
He proposed - overjoyed I accepted, he completed me.
However I had become so wrapped in the relationship, had no friends in the area and was so lonely. I was tired travelling 600 miles every other weekend to see my youngest daughter and commuting to work, sometimes something has just got to give.
The party we went to - I mixed my drinks and drank far too much.No excuse I know and the shame I felt at hearing events that I had no recollection of was so bad - especially as I have never behaved like that before. He said I attacked him, I don't have a violent bone in my body I was horrified to hear that I had done these things, I begged to be forgiven. He would'nt accept told me to go away - he would'nt speak to me. The horror at realising again I was going to lose someone I loved so much was too much to bear. I lost control - I took an overdose, I feel so much shame again.
It was so awful being in the hospital, I could'nt bear to face him I felt so much shame. When we did see each other he did'nt even hold my hand, was so cold towards me. I just needed a hug. That night was to become the longest night as I was so ill, a time I shall never forget.
I begged the next day for him to come and pick me up and we spoke to the hospital psychatrist who explained that I had just lost control and that I was'nt disturbed I had just put my hand out for help.
I moved out, we met up, we went away for a weeks holiday - his behaviour was awful and I realised that we should not be together - many mistakes had been made.
He keeps emailing me, texting me, still 4 months on. I want to move on and put this behind me.
Why do you keep hounding me - sending me links to websites to find what you've written about us.
Please stop.
Sometimes you have to accept that a relationship is over and no matter what you do - you can never make somebody love you. Love is patient, Love is Kind, forgiving and caring and true love is unconditional - perhaps we never really had love.
Time has moved on and so have I - you must do the same.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005):
The most impressive thing about this story is that your mom text messages!
Anyway, you know what to do. This woman is clearly unbalanced. If you continue to see her she'll try to con you into believing that she is all better now and and she was just under some stress at work, or she had a drug interaction or blah blah blah. If you ever get back together you are in for a hard life.
But in the future you need to look more carefully at your screening procedure since this one got so far through your defenses that you already proposed. Not good.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): I am so sorry. What a sad situation. I have a simple belief about domestic violence..Grownups don’t hit each other, and grownups don’t put up with being hit. You did not deserve to be hurt, in this way. She sounds like a bitter, unhappy woman with severe emotional problems and I hope she seeks some counselling to find her way. I suspect she has not been well-cared for in her life, prior to your relationship with her. Nothing you say or do should cause one's partner to hurt you. People get angry sometimes, but when they do, they all have choices. They can choose to express themselves in healthy ways and relationship violence is not part of a healthy relationship. Be proud, that you didn't settle for this relationship because so many others would have put up with it.
Healthy and happy relationships help us feel better about ourselves and our place in the world. Love should make us feel good, safe, and happy about the future. It might be wise to consider taking care of yourself and learn from this relationship... better ways of providing the commitment you want and the type of person you wish to share your future with. I wish you the best and be happy.
Hugs, Irish
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): [sigh] I'm saddened you had to go through that. I went through something similar before, on a much-less costly experience in terms of expenditure, but the emotional aspect of that was still quite 'gruesome'. I still think about mine from time to time as well. Hmmm... Whatever you are feeling now is exactly that. How else should you be feeling? I guess it's a mix of disappointment, heart break, anger, frustration, and there's a word or phrase in Cantonese called "Mm seh duk" which I don't know in English. Nevertheless, you seem refined and defined enough to make that call on your own - meaning, whether you should allow her a chance in your intimate life again, but that call is way too difficult. A comment/question I would ask myself, "Even with all her flaws, she seemed so perfect, but why was she like that? Did I do something? Was it accumulative from other things? What happened? Who is she?"[shrugs] 8(
...............................
A
female
reader, Phyrekiss +, writes (8 December 2005):
 I would say you are a better person for moving on. She has definatly got some issues in her own life that she needs to work out before giving a relationship a try with anyone. You were right for what you did, and although moving on is a hard thing to do, its going to be your best option.
...............................
|
