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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I am wondering why both of my ex partners have had successful rebound relationships after they broke up with me. The first ex has been with his now wife for over 20 years. Then, my ex husband (of 18 years) discarded me and family for a Ukrainian he met on a dating site and has been with her now for 5 years. She has since moved here to live with him.She is professional woman who is 10 years younger than me so I guess she was a better financial prospect than a “man-hating sponger”, as he calls me. I was working part time however. I discovered he had cheated on me during the marriage and seemingly had an addiction to dating sites. I got sick with cancer then he started divorce proceedings once he had taken his new girlfriend on 3 European holidays whilst I was still in the marital home. I understand that I should be concentrating on myself and not worrying about what my exes are doing but I see myself nearing 60, having had to move back in with my parents (financial reasons)and having no social life, except work, whilst these other women have managed to have successful and financially beneficial relationships with my exes who were both emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I wonder if I bought out the worst in them?I was under the impression rebound relationships don’t work. In my observation, they do.I have no desire to enter another relationship and no one has even asked me out anyway. I have been disfigured by cancer surgery which doesn’t help. So I sit alone in my room wondering why my life has gone backwards. Any advice appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 February 2023):
 I think you need to build into the equation that your ex husbands probably "moved on" a long time before the divorces. The second one especially will have moved on emotionally well beforehand.
Stop keeping tabs on them. I know that is easier said than done but, by investing energy into watching what they are up to, you are only hurting yourself and preventing yourself from moving on with your life.
Don't look back; that is not where your future is. Take a deep breath, shrug off the past and move on with your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2023): I truly am empathetic to your suffering and disenchantment over your former marriages; which both I you've explained ended badly. However, in both cases, your exes went on to find themselves relationships long after your divorces.
I find it concerning that you've kept tabs on them both for so long, but how would know what heartbreaks and failures they may have encountered along the way? You're no longer privy to the most intimate details of their private-lives to such an extent. You may have access to gossip, social media, and general public information; but you may not know all the intimate details of their romantic-relationships following your divorce, until they met their present wives. If you do, you must have a lot of free-time on your hands!
Maybe you've done a lot of snooping and investigating. Unless you are a good spy, or have hired private investigators; you are full of presumptions and speculations, spurned by your anger and resentment. I tend to be blunt and straightforward; but I've based my opinion on what you've said in your post.
You really need to free yourself from the bitterness. They have long moved on. Their relationships were not rebounds, they were post-divorce relationships that developed with people they met once they felt they were ready to get-on with their lives. You may not be aware of all the failed or short-lived relationships they may experienced before meeting the women who are now their current wives. None of which is any of your business. Had you moved-on, or sought counseling to help; you wouldn't be suffering now. You may even have allowed yourself to date and enjoy romance; in spite of your surgical-scarring. To say that isn't possible, isn't true. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You're too caught-up in your scorn and resentment of your exes!
You're frozen in time, paralyzed by your anger, full of unforgiveness; and crippled by your inability to let-go of the past. Your ex-husbands simply continued to live their lives once your marriages were over; which is what most divorced people do.
If you're unable to do that; you should seek professional-counseling and therapy; and/or you should also turn to your spiritual-faith for healing and comfort, if you practice any form of religious-faith. If you believe in God, or at one time you did practice worship and prayer; revisit your beliefs and seek peace for your soul. Free yourself!
You need to develop a circle of friends for support; and you really should network with others to expand your professional horizons and other interests. That's living life, rather than being imprisoned by your inability to forgive and move on.
You've punished yourself, living in bitterness over your failed marriages; instead of seeking ways to heal and move on with your life. It's still not too late. All you have to do is decide this is where you will let-go of the past; and seek that goal by any means necessary to get you there. You're wasting precious time!
You call yourself disfigured, and stew in your self-loathing it seems. You didn't mention not one thing you are grateful for in your life. God bless you! You survived cancer for one! I have family members, and a partner of 28 years, who were far less fortunate than that.
If you've decided to live your life embittered over your failed marriages; life didn't force you down that path. You've chosen it. When you can't do it alone, you seek help!
If you want friends, you'll figure-out a way to find some. If you want romance, you will get on your knees and pray for it if you have to.
If your rotten exes can find love after divorce, so can you! Instead, you've chosen to live your life in scorn and bitterness. I pray with all my heart that will change for you. God gave you another chance after cancer; I'd make the best of it, if I were in your shoes. Forget your exes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2023): Thank you Fatherly Advice for taking the time and effort to respond and for your advice. Much appreciated.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (11 February 2023):
 I think that we have a bit of trouble with definitions here. If your second ex husband (of 18 years) has only been with his current wife for 5 years that leaves a 13 year gap. There is no way that could be considered a rebound relationship.
A rebound relationship is when you enter into a new relationship without sufficient time to work out the emotions from the first relationship. Recommended times between relationships vary and really depend more on the person in recovery and how they process their emotions and grief. I've never seen any recommendation for as much as 10 years. 10% of the length of the previous relationship is common.
Now if you are just talking about remarriages. Those are everyday common here in The USA. Many work out very well.
Real rebound relationships rarely last 6 months. Usually the rebounding partner is all knotted up in love / hate for their ex partner and it poisons the ground of the new relationship.
I agree with your decision not to pursue a new relationship at this point in your life. By your description you are not in the right mindset to let another person into your life. Talking it out may help. Some individual counseling / therapy might help. Even if you don't have a relationship goal, it could help you find peace with your life.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 February 2023):
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