A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My question is basically "Was I so wrong to be this concerned?"Been married for 13 years; we married after 2.5 years of dating, married mid-2008.From mid-August to last month, I suspected my husband was having an affair, he'd always go out in smart suits at night, never invite me, never told me where he was going or why, just told me I had to accept it.I'd tried asking him why in a calm manner but got no explanation, he claimed "You don't need to know, sheesh, can't a guy get some peace?"He isn't normally like this, usually a great guy and I love him; but is this signs of abusive or narcissistic behavior?But his behavior seemed like an affair; smart suits, going out at night without telling me why, and anger when asked what he did, how his night was.In the end, I hired a PI to follow him, paid her good money, over $500, and the end result was perhaps a little anti-climactic; he was just going to McDonald's, Taco Bell, pizza stores, 7-11-type stores and eating large amounts of fast food alone in his car in car parks, drinking huge bottles of soft drink with food, or eating several packets of Pringles and M and M's or two to three whole pizza boxes. No evidence of an affair or him interacting with other women flirtatiously.Why then go to all this dressing up if you're not going to restaurant and you're just eating fast food?I don't get why he'd do this, it seems bizarre.Our relationship has been good and I'd had no reason not to trust him until this.I've still asked him why he does this, and he insists "Goddamn it, can't a guy get fast food without his wife yelling at him?"It doesn't seem like an eating disorder, no vomiting or strange addictions.I'm worried he'll become unhealthy; he's not muscular but he never seems to become obese if he eats loads.In general, this whole thing seems like something I can't understand.I feel worried about the relationship and whenever I try and ask him to understand, in a way that's calm, pleasant, rational, he won't open up.We've had other conflicts before, but they got resolved quite well; this one, however, is a worry for me, quite a lot.I'm wondering if he has a fast food addiction and he needs psychiatric help for it if it were to get worse.I know he's always been into food, be it cooking, eating out or socialising involving food, but is this taking it a step way too far, eating fast food alone in car parks?I've not told my sisters or friends about this, too embarrassed.But before anyone pulls the "My husband got fat and lazy after marriage" card, well, he's still active, good with DIY and maintenance work, enjoys that, although not much goes on now needing that these days. He's still active with cycling when he can.I'm struggling to understand how he could spend so much on fast food and worrying how it could affect our finances even though I'm usually the one who deals with it.Need some advice and assistance, don't know what to do next.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2021): At best, he has a food-addiction. Fast food is dangerous to the health; you don't always have to gain a lot of weight. Some people take laxatives, and never show the weight-gain. That practice is also very dangerous, more dangerous than people know!
You know what's going on, just try to prepare the healthiest meals for him. Everybody likes fast food, and it's sometimes a guilty-pleasure you don't feel like being lectured about. If he is gorging or binging; that's when it's time to seek professional-counseling.
As far as cheating, you can take a sigh of relief; but you should make sure he gets his yearly physical-examinations! He should always be checked for diabetes, high blood-pressure, and high cholesterol. He's vulnerable to a stroke, if he's eating too much fast-food.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2021): It does not seem like an eating disorder - !! Yes it is. You do not need to be bulminia or anorexia for that. Over eating and binge eating can be a disorder on it's own. And people would hide it. Why they do it can be for all sorts of reasons they need professional help with, which you are clearly not knowledgeable enough or qualified to do. Some people might sneak off to eat because they are not allowed junk food at home, or they want a secret, or it may be a health problem that makes them very hungry, clearly he has a lot of money to waste if he does this a lot. You should have known he was doing it by how he kept putting weight on and became unfit. As for paying the private eye good money - $500 - that is peanuts for a private eye. Most would charge you that for a few hours. So don't kid yourself you got the best and someone who knows what they are doing. Some of the amateur cheap ones have no experience or brains or real wish to do it at all, just chancing their arm at getting money off of naive people who want a super cheap bargain. Then they tell you anything that sounds good or suitable to get their pay check, even if they did not follow them in the first place.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2021): I will give you that dressing up is a bit odd. Maybe he was trying to throw you off? Like he was hoping you thought he had a business meeting or something instead of going out for junk food?
I don't fault you one bit for hiring the PI, and $500 is small beans for peace of mind.
I think a lot of people hide 'bad' eating from their spouses. His does sound a bit extreme, though. This is a tough problem. The last thing you want to do is stress him out more-- he may be eating to comfort himself.
One way my wife helps me eat better is by baking 'healthier' cookies.
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A
male
reader, Kofcalifornia +, writes (27 November 2021):
First of all u spent over $500 to investigate your own husband just to find out he wasnt having an affair. You didnt consult with him before spending that $$$. If he works and pays his share of the bills dont worry about what he decides to spend his money on. You are not his mother and he is a grown ass man. Stop projecting your insecurities onto him. Obviously he feels he cannot confide in you. Probably because you are judgemental and criticize him for something he probably isnt very proud of. Lets say for a moment he was havig an affair. Would u decide to end the marriage? If you were wiling to leave your husband for having an affair then he deserves to have a better wife. Men will cheat when they can but would not break up a marriage simply to cheat. Women cheat when they have a potential replacement for their partners. Women will cheat emotionally but ore ony cheat physically. Learn to be a compasionate nurturing forgiving wife instead of an accusing judgemental annoying nagging wife
Your emotions are your own responsibility. Spend $500 on professional therapy for yourself instead of investigating your husband
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 November 2021):
 A few things spring to mind here:
Is it possible your husband realized he was being followed and decided to have a bit of a laugh by letting the PI follow him around and watch him eating food in his car?
Is this his way of regaining some "control" over his life, insignificant as it is? I ask this because you mention that you deal with the finances in your marriage. I recall watching a documentary on call girls/escorts a few years ago and one of the things which was said in that was that men who came to call girls to be degraded/punished usually had high flying careers where they were in total control and this was their way of handing over control to someone else and relinquishing responsibility. Perhaps your husband is doing something similar with food?
Do you sometimes have fast food/takeaways at home, or is it all about eating healthily? If the latter, could this just be his way of kicking back?
Does he always sit in the same place? If so, could he be watching someone or waiting for someone?
That's me done. No other suggestions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2021): Nothing here seems alarming
"He enjoys fastfoods" but u worry?
go out with him these nights and not just asking and SEE
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