A
female
age
36-40,
*uperconfused88
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years now and we have really had some ups and downs. We've broken up, saw other people, and got back together quite a few times. He's away right now, but planning to come back to me and actually move in with me sometime this summer. I've always been excited for it as I thought I was completely in love with him, but now I don't know what to do. He treats me so well, but I am starting to develope feelings for a male friend of mine. I know he feels the same way too, but he says he doesn't want to ruin anything I have going on. My boyfriend and I definitely have our fair share of issues. He is very untrusting and constantly questioning and extremely jealous all the time. There are quite a few male friends I am not allowed to talk to anymore because of how jealous he is. I also can never go to parties or out to bars, and I'm getting tired of turning down my friends all the time and having them angry with me. I feel like my boyfriend is just too controlling and jealous. It makes me sick sometimes. Plus now I have developed feelings for this other guy and I would love the opportunity to explore things with him. My boyfriend showers me with gifts and I feel completely guilty. What do I do? I don't want to hurt anybody, but in the end someone is going to get hurt and it sucks just knowing that. I thought I was completely in love with my boyfriend. What should I do? Thank you for reading!
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female
reader, superconfused88 +, writes (2 March 2009):
superconfused88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much. Your advice has been extremely helpful and I definitely appreciate it. :)
A
male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (2 March 2009):
Separate the issues you have with your boyfriend (controlling, jealous) from your feelings for your guy-friend.
You are still quite young, so it's a good time to practice thinking in more nuanced terms about your relationships. It's very common, and dangerous, for people to think their relationships are so wonderful and their guys (or gals) are so great, and they love them so much, and everything is just perfect except for the couple things that make them miserable.
No relationships are so simple or black and white.
So banish "completely in love". Maybe okay for dinner conversation, but not for your honest self-appraisal. You need to be tougher and more clear-eyed for yourself.
Now, boyfriend. Two parts to the problem. First the LDR (long distance relationship). Jealousy is a problem in many (most?) LDRs, because loneliness is acute, you fill that through friends, and loneliness+friends can = temptation (e.g. guy-friend). So someone who is jealous in an LDR isn't automatically disqualified in my book. That situation calls for a "I know you are scared of losing me, and I'm scared of losing you, but if this is going to work, you are going to have to trust me. If I sit here lonely, and don't feel free to be myself, then after a while my life will feel like a prison, and I'll resent you. I don't want that to happen, because then we *will* lose each other. So as risky as trusting each other sounds, it is the best chance we've got."
That's if the person wasn't already controlling and jealous before the LDR. If he was before, it's sort of the same conversation, but with extra guidance for the person being controlled: You are not "allowed" or "unallowed" to do things. You are a free person. You can go to any party, hang out with any person. If you do not have that freedom, it is because you choose to give it away to keep a guy. That's on you, not on him. He's free to ask. If you say okay, and get resentful, the blame is shared.
If you want to hang out with your friends, you have the LDR talk above and then perhaps ask what you can do to make the other person feel better - like calling if you will be out late, or letting him know when you'll be back, or inviting him from time to time. But you also let him know you do have friends, and you expect to spend time with them, and if he can't understand that and learn to be okay with it, he is with the wrong woman.
Personally this boyfriend sounds like a jerk, but I'm of the opinion that a lot of people are jerks until they ave relationships explained to them. So I try not to judge until I see how they react to clear boundaries and expectations being laid down. (Only then do I say dump the jerk.)
Okay, guy-friend.
To reiterate, figure out the boyfriend thing first. No kissie or candle/alcohol-lit midnight talks with guy-friend until you take responsibility to fix or end your boyfriend situation. If you are seriously wanting on guy-friend, realize that he sees himself potentially in your boyfriend's shoes, and the fairness with which you treat boyfriend (deserved or not) will be reflected in guy-friends opinion of you.
If you end it with boyfriend (one way or another), you can talk to guy-friend, explain about what the LDR taught you, and your need for freedom (and rebellion against controlling) ... basically you can use it as a stepping stone to a better relationship, which is what dating should be about in the first place. Without going through the process with boyfriend (and yourself) to claim your freedoms, and talk about jealously and trust, you are more likely to end up in the same spot with guy-friend or someone else in future.
Good luck.
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