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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I recently met someone and felt it right to be upfront about the fact I had ( several years ago now) been involved in an abusive relationship. I left that relationship with nothing, emotionally,financially and tbh was completely broken and had to rebuild myself and my life. I feel I have worked hard to in a sense recover, but never made a huge issue of being a survivour. I disclosed it because I felt the need to take things slowly and explain that I was quite sensitive and guarded. The thing that happened shocked me, instead of my honesty being appreciated, it was turned against me as if I was damaged or unworthy, and I was just wondering if I start a relationship again would it be best to just never mention it or just carry on being myself and honest about my past.Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (12 February 2014):
 I should have rephrased that. Let me refrain. It doesn't mean they are bad or selfish people. just not the right one for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): I don't agree entirely. This guy sounds a bit shallow. If he's lost interest on this basis then let it go.
You said what you said and probably wouldn't be so open next time anyway....but you did.
It wasn't meant to be....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): I don't agree entirely. This guy sounds a bit shallow. If he's lost interest on this basis then let it go.
You said what you said and probably wouldn't be so open next time anyway....but you did.
It wasn't meant to be....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 February 2014):
 @llifton : I get what you say, and actually I admire your approach as a sign of a warm hearted , generous nature,- but you seem to forget that it's not a mandatory approach and other people could choose a different one without for this being selfish bastards or selfish bitches. Or maybe, a majority of us are selfish bastards and selfish bitches - it is what it is- so there's a majority of different approaches.
As for me, if there's something I never regretted and I am proud of, is of having totally lost my attraction to anything that's even remotely codependent and even remotely a fixer upper. You don't have to be rich ( as Prince would say ) to be my man, you don't have to be handsome, nor elegant or cultured or special under any respect... but no emotional fixer uppers, no hostages to their past, no people carrying arund tons of old unclaimed baggage . Particularly if they use it ( not to say that this would be the case of the OP, of course ) to justify current behaviours. The past explains stuff, it sheds light on WHY certain things happen, but it does not JUSTIFY them and does not say that they HAVE to happen or HAVE to be accepted. No, sorry, you CAN' T torture me with insane neediness ( invented random examples ) because of your abandonment issues due to growing up with a neglectful mother. No, you CAN'T pass out on my sofa every single night because you drink to forget an unhappy past. And no, you CAN'T be hypersensitive and keep me walking on eggshells, in fear that an innocuous joke or a mild rebuke will trigger a crying bout, due to what YOUR PREVIOUS partner , not me !,did to you. BE HERE NOW - if you can't let go of a painful past, and keep it in perspective, remembering what happened to get a lesson of wisdom from it, but without reliving it today every day - then you don't need me, you need professional help.
It may sound like I am having a go at the OP or llifton, , while actually , in a way, I admire both.
I admire the Op for being a survivor, BUT I think she will be a real survivor only the day when she will be able to file what happened under " bad things that happened to me when I was a weaker, less aware person and that the current NEW , strong, whole me would never let happen " , not under " this is what I am ". Being a survivor does not define you, nor should define your relationship. You may be a survivor, but you are also tons of other things : who knows, maybe a mother, a sister, a worker, a college graduate, a volunteer, a Pisces, a good driver, a size 8, a sports fan, a natural blonde, an avid reader, a Catholic, a Democrat... with all the literally hundreds of things you are , and which speak of you, and say what you want what you like what you have accomplished so far... why would you choose to present yourself first off through a visit card with SURVIVOR stamped on ?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 February 2014):
also, i will venture to dare to disagree with the concensus and say that labeling yourself as a survivor is not something i believe you need to drop. i've personally never experienced this, but i have some very close, personal relationships with people who are survivors of abuse, both sexually and physically. and the scars from those experiences aren't things you can simply just drop. they stay with you. sometimes in the form of PTSD and sometimes in other ways.
with that being said, yes, the wrong men will take this and run a mile. they will see you as high maintainance and damaged goods and not even want to get to know you any further because they see you as too much effort. but what's wrong with putting effort into something you're passionate about?
my gf is a sufferer of PTSD. she told me a few months into our relationship. and i would NEVER wish for her to be any different than who she is and i wouldn't change a thing about her. she's a survivor; she's one of the strongest, bravest women i've ever met because of this fact. and she's making huge strides towards working through these issues and over-coming it. and i want to be right there by her side while she does it. sure, it might be hard sometimes - it was especially in the beginning - but that, in NO way, means that she wasn't worth it to me. i admire her for who she is. you should wait for the man who feels this way for you. believe me, they do exist.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 February 2014):
If you want to take things slow at the beginning of a new relationship, you just take things slow, you don't need to justify it with the recital of your life story. You could take things slow because you are a type who takes things slow. You could take things slow because , say, your Zodian sign is Pisces and Pisces take things slow.... You don't need to justify and get approval for every your move, mood or thought.
It does not mean to lie .It does not mean being secretive. It does not mean to deceive. But there's a difference between being honest , and bringing up openly for discussion things in due time and when need arises, from instant, total disclosure at the first date and as a " fragile - handle with care " sign. I can see how this is off putting. Maybe you chanced into someone who was particularly insensitive, particulary impatient or uncompassionate, but you have to remember that at the very beginning of a relationship, before strong feelings have developped, people do not HAVE to be supersensivive and super accomodating . A degree of selfishness, if you want to call it that, is natural and even healthy, everybody wonders , at the start , " what's in it for me in this ". If you present yourself as " I am half broken, badly fixed, I still carry around my past with me everywhere and I need special careful handling " - a reaction of " so come back another time when you feel healthy and whole " is more logical than merciless .
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 February 2014):
everyone is different. for me, i would have absolutely no issue with someone telling me this. i would find it very intriguing and want to know more. and i would find that person to have very admirable strength.
however, others may view you as damaged goods and not want to deal with the emotional baggage. it just depends on the person you come across.
i think you should do whatever you feel is right. the man who is right for you will never judge you or leave you like that due to your past. so just chalk this up to weeding out the wrong guy quicker than would have normally transpired.
so basically, there is not right or wrong here. if you feel that you need to communicate this to your partner, than do that. if you wish to keep it to yourself, do that, as well. the right man will still be the right man, no matter whether you tell him or not.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): I don't agree entirely. This guy sounds a bit shallow. If he's lost interest on this basis then let it go.
You said what you said and probably wouldn't be so open next time anyway....but you did.
It wasn't meant to be....
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (12 February 2014):
 As others have said, leave the past in the past.
If we had all had happy relationships and no broken hearts there would be no need for this site.
Good on you for surviving, now let it all go and start afresh emotionally.
Don't scare off the next man.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (12 February 2014):
 I think its best to express. Even still people go always judge regardless if you together or not. That person might be trying to use you. So someone that is rebuilding may not fit his motive. I feel like that like I dont want to be a burden on others especially if they don't have and looking to me to save them. I think it best you save yourself. That person if they care to would still be there for you to try to help you through it aleast. Even if you not in a relationship. If they dont think they can aleast they left so someone else can come into the picture an be there for you.
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A
male
reader, big rob905 +, writes (12 February 2014):
 Certainly not in my opinion you should be very proud of yourself about overcoming an abusive realationship and the way you say it torn you down, like that is something you never forget or let go of in life . Many women and men never recover from it there whole lives . My sister that I love very much was jn a very abusive realationship for years and is scared to death of men.Sorry to say it took me and her years to get close again no fault of my own. Thats when I wanted to well leave it alone there this guy deserves to die just my opinion any ways sorry back to you .you should be very proud of yourself. And how strong you are for getting out of that realationship and start a wholle new life lol for you because you are a survior and be proud of it so tell everyone that you fill needs to no lol
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 February 2014):
 Taking things slowly and being guarded are normal, appropriate precautions to take with people you barely know. You don't have to justify them by furnishing details about past hurts any more than you should provide a full medical history to justify why you choose to eat right. Right?
Another woman wrote in recently with the same question so I'll tell you what I told her.
Announcing this sort of thing is very bad PR. As was mentioned earlier, you're pretty much telling men that you're hypersensitive and high maintenance. A man is looking to improve his life not add more burden to it.
And the fact that you felt compelled to announce this several years after the event suggests you've made little to no progress in overcoming it.
You know what else they're thinking? 'Oh God, another one'. That's right, OP, they've heard this story countless times before (as have we) and it gets real old real fast. I say this not to question your veracity or to make light of the effect it had on you, but to inform you that one can only hear the same sob story so many times before one gets sick of it. Like players and assholes, women who have been 'abused by the ex' are a dime a dozen. If you want to make a good impression, then separate yourself from the herd.
Something else to consider is once you declare yourself 'damaged goods' all of your future interactions will be tainted by that label. Any legitimate concerns you may have will be attributed to hypersensitivity and dismissed.
Talking about the past keeps you focussed on the past. We've all had our bumps and bruises. We've all been hurt and many of us have suffered profound traumas. What is so remarkable about yours that it must define who you are and be shared with everyone who gets to know you?
You know what they say about driving. Look where you want the car to go. The same applies to your life and dating. Focus on where you want to go and less on where you've been.
Keep the sex talk and flirting to a minimum. Dates should be in a public place where intimacy cannot happen. That way you both avoid the pressure of expectations and the discomfort of rejection. Do not visit men at their homes or invite them to yours until you've known them a few months at least. Your dates should not be longer than 4 hours and when it's time to go home don't then spend all night talking or texting. Give yourself the space to reflect on your experiences and always leave them wanting more.
If a man doesn't fit comfortably into your life the way it is now (or the way you want it to be) then he is not compatible. Be prepared to walk away much sooner, regardless of how nice, funny, intelligent and thoughtful he seems to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): By telling him that, you are actually telling him you aren't over whatever happened and that you are guarded and sensitive because of it.
I'm sorry someone hurt you, but you are allowing him to still hurt you by holding on to the hurt. Put the past behind you and learn to trust again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2014):
 I think it really depends on HOW long you have known the guy and how much information you volunteered.
But I don't think it's "wrong" to be honest about your past at all. Instead of feeling like it back fired, look at it as a learning curve, and.. you weeded out a man who can't deal with whatever you went through.
I agree with both WiseOwlE - Timing is always important.
And with Cerberus - don't let your past experiences define who you are.
I was in a relationship with a serial cheater and for the longest had no clue, he was master manipulator as well, and maybe I was naive, but I had never dealt with a guy like that ever. It took me a good 2 years to "get" over that experience and as much as I am SO GLAD I walked away from him, I also LEFT the relationship IN the past. I dealt with it and moved on. I was without a doubt more cautious when I met my husband, but I didn't expect him to walk on eggshells around me, because I had had a negative relationship prior.
Before I met my husband I went out on a blind date that a friend set up and the guy talked unceasingly about his cheating ex - having been, there done that and BURNED the t-shirt it was just not a subject I wanted to have with a stranger over what was supposed to be a nice meal. Needless to say I didn't want a second date with that guy.
Since you have been able to rebuild your life, you have also learned exactly what you will not accept from a partner, right? So a guy who isn't supportive isn't for you.
Telling a guy that you WANT/NEED to go slow is OK.
You don't want a guy to date you out of "pity", do you? To be afraid he says the wrong thing or do the wrong thing because it might send you "back" to an abusive relationship? To walk around on eggshells with you? You wan a guy to see YOU for WHO you are not who you WERE.
Chin up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): People confuse TMI (too much information) with being open and honest. Timing is the key. You can reveal too much about yourself too soon. A guy might think you're warning him about something wrong with you.
You are absolutely correct to feel proud that you have overcome an abusive relationship. You're a survivor; which means you are stronger and resilient.
When you're in the introductory-stage of a relationship; you must keep the conversation light, and the mood welcoming and upbeat. You don't need to reveal your intimate secrets, when you are only dating someone.
You've just met the guy, and it hasn't been decided by either of you where things are going. You're not exclusive and all options are still open as far as seeing other people.
Heavy conversations are scary, and they are warning signs that you may be damaged. If you have things that need work, then work on them; before you get involved in the lives of other people. Don't presume telling people you come "as is," that they'll just have to tolerate things they may find undesirable about you. They don't have to. You don't have to accept their insecurities or bad habits either.
Never suggest to someone you've just met you're "quite sensitive and guarded." You've just raised a red-flag.
You are not fully recovered; if this is the case. Apparently not to the degree that you feel confident that it is no longer a problem you should mention.
Most people dating are trying to avoid people with trust-issues and still in recovery from a breakup. People in the process of healing and recovery are not yet ready for relationships. Dating is supposed to be fun. Not full of warning signs and caveats.
Your unhappy past will hang over-head like a dark cloud.
Push it back far into your past memory where it belongs.
When you can honestly say to yourself that you are fully over your past; then you are ready to move forward, and able to start a new commitment. I judge whether a person is good for me, by all the positive things I am able to learn about them. I introduce myself by offering them my best qualities and backing them up with my actions.
You aren't keeping it a secret buy not telling him you were in an abusive relationship. You are withholding personal information, that is too personal to divulge to a stranger.
All you need to share with people that you are only dating; is the good stuff about yourself. He needs to know what you like, and your goals. He needs to know your hobbies and accomplishments. Sell yourself on verifiable good traits.
You don't want to scare people with your failures or past mistakes. They want the best of you, not what's leftover after some tragically-ending relationship with somebody else.
Trust your good traits. Know your self-worth. Be positive and optimistic. People are looking for outgoing and happy people to date. Not people with something dark to share or tragic stories.
Once a relationship becomes exclusive and committed, and you have established trust. You can speak minimally of some of your experiences. Limit the negative intensity; because if you're over something, there is no reason to bring it up.
You are not giving your life's testimony before a support-group or a jury. You are sharing who you really are. It's best to keep that limited to things a boyfriend or girlfriend can handle. People should walk away from a date feeling euphoric and relaxed. Anticipating the next time they will get to see you. Not stressed out and scared.
There are things that require full disclosure on the onset of meeting someone. If it may do them harm, or damage their reputation in some way. They deserve to know. Straightaway!
If you've been incarcerated, are HIV positive, have herpes or some infection which could endanger the health of another person. That should not be hidden.
People should know these things before you form a commitment. These are things people should know in order to base their commitment on truth and full disclosure. Things that can adversely effect your partner in someway should never be hidden. An abusive ex-boyfriend is of no threat, unless he is still in your life. Delete him from memory.
If someone is being treated for a psychological disorder, you'd let dates know after having a few dates; and once you know for sure they are starting to show feelings. Before they wish to form a committed and exclusive relationship with you.
Your past relationships and how terrible they were, are memories you worked hard to get away from.
Don't let dark memories overshadow a new chapter you are opening in your life. Do not tell people you are weak or flawed. These are revealed as you get to know each other better. That is the point of courtship and dating. Discovering who you both are, what you have in-common; and what you can offer each in a fulfilling and healthy relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): I read "several years ago" as 7 years in length. Frankly it makes it worse that something that happened so long ago is still that important that you use it to define yourself.
You're more than just a victim, OP, show us who you are as a woman before you delve into the darkest moments of your past.
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (11 February 2014):
 Honesty my dear. Really helps weed out the wheat from the chaff
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): 'Hey, just to let you in on something. I'm damaged goods. My past is still very much a part of my present because I've labelled myself a survivor and you're going to have to put up with being punished for what my ex did to me to date me. I'm an ex-abused woman, it's who I am now and I'm going to make the whole process of getting me to let you in one massive, long torturous endeavour. So, when would you like to meet up again?'
That's basically how I'd take what you're saying, OP. I'd run a mile. I understand that women in your position use the label survivor as part of the recovery of your self worth, but to me it means you're an abused woman who has made that a part of you instead of moving beyond it. Your ex would very much be too much a part of any relationship I have with you, you've just told me that I will be treated with suspicion and even a little contempt until I can prove I'm not the same type of guy. I know that it's not just about patience, it's about having every little thing I do examined in detail and at the first minor blip, the first bad day you will freak out and drop me like a bad habit. I have to be on guard and walk on egg shells with you, and frankly that's too much effort for just dating.
OP being sensitive is fine, being guarded is fine but being a "survivor" who is going to be just be utterly closed off, very unforgiving and suspicious means you'll only attract the white knight weirdos who want to save women. You know the possessive, controlling type of insecure co-dependent assholes who you're really trying to stay away from?
I would go, OP because emotionally you have no room in your life for a guy because your ex and the damage he has done is taking up too much of your heart still.
Please don't take this the wrong way, you should feel nothing but pride for getting out of that situation. I grew up in the same environment so I know how hard that life can be. It takes an enormous amount of strength and courage to endure that process, so you have no reason to feel anything but pride. The problem is you don't have pride as your main emotion here, you won't treat guys like a clean slate if you date on the basis of what happened to you, which you've made clear is the all defining characteristic of you as a woman.
It's a huge turn off for you to bring that up, it's something you must slowly let a guy know but be able to do so in a way that shows you've moved on. Plus OP it's a very negative tone you're putting on something that is only supposed to be two people spending time together who want to have fun and see if there's romance there. It's like going bowling on a first date, laughing and joking only for her to turn around and say she was sexually abused as a child.
Honesty is nothing to with it. Mention it when you're close enough to a guy that he can understand, with enough time to get to know that you're more than just a victim who labels herself a survivor.
You're not damaged goods, but you need to show that to a guy before you let him in on the possibility. You don't have to explain any of your conditions to anyone, OP. Want to wait until you commit to have sex? You don't need a reason for that. Want to take things slowly? That's fine, no deep, dark reason necessary.
OP there are tonnes of things that can turn you off someone if you don't know them well enough to accept those things. I wouldn't avoid the issue if directly asked but I'd certainly not make it as much of an issue as you have.
I know from experience how tough those 7 years must have been, but you're either ready or you're not. You're either ready to treat any new guy as a clean slate, with some intelligent precautions of course, or you're not but there's no need to immediately label yourself as something in someone's mind. He'll get to know who you are and why you are the way you are as part of the process.
You're making it sound like it's who you are, and you're making it primary focus of the person you want him to view you as. That means what happened is still too important to you and will affect how you treat him too. I'd just feel like you view as me as scumbag by default, a man who has to prove I'm not and one who has to be extra careful about everything and also I too would have to be too guarded to open up in case I break through your very thin skin and your very strict set of precautions.
One bad day, one criticism of a colleague, any and all tiny little insignificant moments of grumpiness and I know I'd lose you. Too hard, OP, it would just be an elephant in the room and one where I couldn't relax and be me because I'd have to worry vet everything I say and be extra careful, and I just wouldn't be comfortable with you.
Not because of what you went through, but because you've made it a part of what we have no too. I'd feel punished from the outset.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (11 February 2014):
 It has been said hundred of times on Dear Cupid, disclose as little as possible of your past sex life and about your former partner(s). It doesn't bring much to your current relationship (at least at the beginning) and it raises doubts and unpleasant questions that lead to embarrassing answers and so on: a vicious circle that can even produce horrible images in the mind of ones current partner, who will terminate the relationship, unable to overcome his or her retro-jealousy.
I know it's very hard to keep ones mouth shut, particularly when it's after a deep hurting relationship (or even because of familial issues) but disclosing too much of ones past is like building a new wall with old and spent out bricks. It's not the best way of doing things...
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