A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:6 1/2 years ago, I met, fell in love with and married the woman I know I will always love. I’m a man in my early 40's, professional and for both of us, it was our first marriage. After a couple of years just being together, we decided to start a family. Right away, we had a multitude of fertility issues that could never be resolved to the point where we could conceive and carry a child to term. The never-ending tests, trying, failures and everything else that surrounded that nightmare took its toll on my marriage after almost two years and our divorce was final last June. Almost right away, July in fact, I met a woman online, wasn’t looking but someone who I seemed to click with instantly. She lives in another country, has kids, been divorced for a dozen years and our friendship turned, affectionate friendship, turned relationship was pretty much established by November. I’ve never met her in person. I have talked on the phone with her, emailed, of course, and we text and chat daily, but I have to admit I have reservations about a future with her. She is a wonderful woman but among other things is very insistent that we maintain a daily routine of contact that, if I miss or overlook, she is entirely put off. I own my company and I'm a busy guy and sometimes "routine" isn’t possible. She admitted to me that she is pushing me to bring her and her children to live with me and we’ve never even met! Three or four times in the past I have broken this relationship off, but only halfway. The last time, however, wasn’t half way. I told her it wasn’t going to work. The time and the distance were just too far and I was tired of feeling like I was constantly disappointing her by not keeping to the "schedule" all the time. I was tortured to let her go because I do love her, but just felt I couldn't continue. At first, she gave me “you’re such a jerk! Why don’t you just say you have someone else?” and “Why did you ever tell me you loved me only to do this?” responses, but I know she was upset, I was too and we ultimately agreed that was it. The next morning, I woke to two messages from her and they were her typical, “Good morning! Did you sleep well? I love you!” messages as though nothing had been said. I ignored the messages and she proceeded to contact me until I caved. My business partner, who I've known all my life, and I discussed this emotional rollercoaster I've been on the past 8 or 9 months and he asked me finally, "What do you want?" I thought for several minutes and answered, "I want my wife back. Maybe not HER because she's gone, but the woman she is...I want that person back." Late last week my ex-wife called me (we are still very much on speaking terms and communicate fairly regularly) and she wanted to get together and "talk". We got together for drinks and talked about work, etc. and then she said she has had these strong feelings lately about how everything between us happened. She regretted the medical intervention and "letting the fertility doctors nearly take up residence in our bedroom", she regretted the resentment and the obsession she felt she developed over the whole thing and she knows she is still in love with me and wants us to try again. I was thrilled inside because that's what I want too, but I didn’t say that to my ex-wife because if I had to ever watch her leave again…Idk….and then this other woman. The last time I said, ‘We need to move on’, to her it didn’t go so well and I don’t want her to hate me but I don’t know how to avoid itI used to think I knew women pretty well and as old as I am, could handle something like this too, but I really don’t know what either of these fine women are thinking or wanting. I don’t know if I should just avoid both of them. I don’t know. I guess I don’t really have a question either. Just asking for thoughts. Apologies for the length and Thanks very much.
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conceive, divorce, ex-wife, fell in love, I love you, move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): I agree , I think you know in your heart you still love your wife. i think the other women is a fantasy of what you might have, it could turn into a nightmare. For a women struggling with ingfertility she feels like damaged goods, I have been there.The medicine put the women on a emotional roller coaster. I think you two could get back together and have a better bond than you did from before if you learn from your mistakes and compromise. I would sweep her off her feet. both of you souund like nice people and deserve hapiness.. Best of luck to you
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): **I am the original poster of this question**
Thank you Raiders and Angie. I do appreciate your input and the time you've taken.
Raiders, I can’t say may wife and I ever "blamed" the other but I can say each of us probably blamed ourselves, you know? What am I doing wrong!? Well, when the doctor's got involved it became an unmitigated fiasco where our private, intimate life, eventually was discussed, without our participation or invitation, with a "team" of fertility specialists. In one meeting with two of those doctors, I was asked (excuse me for this) to describe my ejaculation technique. WHAT?! I don’t know! That part, I had to say, "ENOUGH! This is our life and if it is not to be, it's not to be. Now, get out of my bedroom!" But my wife, at that point, was so hopeful that she viewed my defiance as "not supporting her". That was the beginning of the end for us and our, really, very strong marriage. And Angie, I have often thought that very thing about my relationship with this other, very lovely woman. What if she gets here and doesn’t like me!? Doesn’t like America?! And I’ve even mentioned that to her, to which she says, ‘That’s impossible.’ Well, the truth is, it IS possible and more than what “we” want, there are children involved. It’s all very romantic if it all comes together seamlessly like a movie, but is it realistic? Don’t know. And, truly, I never thought the fertility issues my wife and I had were hers alone or her fault. I would have never. My negative issues were with the total invasion, if you will, of our life….and not just sex life. Our WHOLE life was examined from diet to sleep patterns, all of it. And I know they were just doing their job, but it was time to just relax and let what will be, be. I had, long ago, resigned myself to the probability of no children with my wife. It seems she may be at that point too.
I agree with you both about the option of counseling, Raider, and the “take your time” suggestion from you, Angie. I thank you both again.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (27 April 2010):
 It seems a bit odd that the other woman would want to move out with her children when she hasn't even met you...I was in a similar situation about 5 years ago. Without going into detail, I developed a very strong loving internet relationship with a man in America. We had communicated for 3 and a half years, we made all the plans that people do when they want to be together, would spend hours and hours each day online, on cam talking laughing, just being 'together'...it felt very real for both of us and we wanted to be together for real.
Eventually I went out to the states to see him and meet his family and he came here to meet mine. After all the excitement of actually meeting died down, he just changed and I realised he was thinking about seeing someone else. Our relationship ended, like it had never began!! The reality was that with such distance between us, we couldnt really know how eachother was on a day to day basis, we had no way of knowing how we would finally 'pull it off' and we just realised that the internet gives a distorted view and that the love you think you feel, isn't really real.
You also sound as if you had unfinished business with your wife. Fertility problems are reknowned for pushing relationships to breaking point. Maybe with hindsight you can see that it wasn't her...it was the siyuation that was intolerable. A life with her may indeed be a life without children...but I am sure you know whats in your heart and maybe you could have been a little stronger.
You also met the other woman almost right away...it's tempting to jump right into another relationship(albeit an internet one) to spare us from the pain of separation and loneliness. Perhaps you didn't give yourself enough time to really digest what had torn your marriage apart.
You said it to your business partner...'I want my wife'...thats what was in your heart when push came to shove.
All food for thought right?
Give yourself some time and make a decision about who you want to be with...or if you want to be on your own or with someone else. Do what all good men should do...Make a decision and stick with it!!
Best of luck
Angie
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (27 April 2010):
 Your heart is telling you that you love your wife and want her back. Not being able to have a child devastated your wife and made it her obsession to become a mother and this is hard when you are on a schedule as to when to have sex. When this pregnancy never happens and there is no baby in the future, thats when the blaming begins. You both will blame each other, you will blame her for her obsession and she will blame you for being childless and this is a heavy weight to carry, and most marriages cannot survive this obstacle. You both went your on separate ways and tried to live your life without one another but yet you both are still in love with each other. Why not go to counseling and supports groups and re-marry your ex wife. Don't let happiness get away from you twice fight for your wife and re-kindle your love. Good Luck I hope everything works out!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): Sounds to me like your situation is actually very simple and that you already know your answer just that you're so close to the problem that it makes it difficult for you to decide on an action.
I suggest:
Call this woman and tell her the honest truth. Tell her that you do love her very much and that she is very dear to you but that you can never imagine yourself living the rest of your life with her and that you are sorry to hurt her and never, ever wanted that. Then cut all contact from her. Don't let her continue to pressure you because it sounds as if she's had this fantasy idea that you've been ready and prepared to take on her pre-packaged family and all their burdens when in reality you were just having a relationship with a woman you fancied. Even if you did happen to tell her that you wanted to live together or even marry her the fact is that you've realized that you still love your ex-wife and from what I can tell you would do almost anything to make happiness with her work. This other woman doesn't deserve to be settled for and you don't deserve to have to settle for her just because you happened to date her.
As for you and your wife I think she's been pretty upfront about what she wants. Usually when a woman says "I am sorry and I want to work it out." She is... sorry and wants to work it out. Date her again. Court her and shower her with affection and enjoy your life with the woman you've always known would make you happy.
Yeah there is the possibility that she may leave you again but what is love without a little risk? (Honestly I don't think she would. Seems like she sorted through her thoughts and came to her conclusion that she loves you and wants to be with you.)
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