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female
age
51-59,
*ardencal
writes: I "thought" I met my soulmate 4 months ago. I am 41 and he's 34 and we both are college graduates and in the education field. He asked me to marry him after he lands a promotion as a principal. The problem is although he calls me several times a day and tells me he loves me constantly, we have only been out 3 times. He comes to my house about twice a week for dinner, a dvd, and a little snuggling but that's it. He won't spend the night and he complains that he's tired all the time but he prefers spending time alone with me at my home then going out. He works from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. M-F and he's in bed by 9 every night. He insists that he's not cheating and begs me to be patient with him until he can get the promotion and then he won't have to work so many hours and we can then get married. I really want and need to see him more and I am bored with staying at home. Do I need to be more understanding and patient and wait for the promotion that may not take place for 6 months or do I call things off now and look for someone who can spend more time with me? I do love him but this is putting a serious strain on our relationship.
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female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (15 January 2007):
 I'm not sure that there is really anyway for you to 'get back at him" without looking like a scorned ex-girlfriend. As much as it hurts, you only invested 4 months in this relationship, a small amount of time in the big picture. No, I am not implying that it should hurt any less, just saying, learn from this and move on. Put your profile back on line and start dating again. If by chance you meet someone who wants to date him, tell them the truth... he was a complete ass in how he broke things off with you, and otherwise you wish him well. You will find a guy that can and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You sound like a very kind and sincere person. He on the other hand, it seems, is going to leave a trail of hurt feelings if he continues this behavior. Reputations of being a jerk get around, and after awhile, his thoughtless behavior will burn him. You on the other hand, can hold your head high, and say that you handled this situation like a lady. Best Wishes, Lilly
A
female
reader, cardencal +, writes (3 January 2007):
cardencal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, now I know why he has been acting insensitive towards me. I was looking on the online personals site where we met last night to see if he placed an ad and sure enough, there was a new, recent profile with a picture of him and he was active on the site during the last 24 hrs. He stated in his profile that he was seeking someone who could be his best friend and lover and that he likes to GO OUT! I am devastated that he did not have the common decency and courtesy to just tell me that he wanted to date other people. Instead he chose to lie and lead me on and make me believe that I was "his soulmate" and the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. In reality, he was just using me because I have connections with hiring personnel in some of the school districts that he has applied for principal positions with. I am tempted to pretend like I am someone else and respond to his ad, agree to meet him at a public place, and then tell him what I think about him after I tell him that I know everything about his cheating ways now. It pains me to think that this person will one day be a principal of a school when he has such low morals and values. I need closure guys so that I can move on. Any suggestions that will not make me look like a scorned, vindictive, out-for-blood ex-girlfriend would be greatly appreciated.
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A
female
reader, cardencal +, writes (3 January 2007):
cardencal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast night was the first time that I heard from him in over 48 hrs. He "said" he sent me a text message a few minutes before midnight on New Year's to wish me Happy New's Year, but I didn't get it. I spoke to him for all of 5 minutes last night before he told me that there was something important he had to take care of and that he would call me back in the morning at 8:00 a.m. In response to my "I miss you and I love you, " he told me that he loved me too, however, it is now 7:10 in the EVENING the next day and I have not heard from him ALL DAY! School is out for the holidays so he wasn't at work today. I saw on caller id that he called at 5:42 p.m. but did not leave a message. I called him a few times throughout the day and I left a text and 2 voice messages. I even went by his house but he was not home. I am now wondering if he's avoiding me deliberately so that I will get fed up with him and call the relationship off myself because he's afraid of confrontation?
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A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (2 January 2007):
This guy has the classic "I'm so in to me, I can't think about you" thought process it isn't even funny. First, I think it is great that you suggested that you go your separate ways... You've got him thinking now. Now you need to follow that up with, "If we are in a committed relationship, then we need to start acting like we are in a committed relationship" speech. That means being accountable to each other, making time for each other, SPENDING time together, sleeping over now and then, and informing each other of life events (going to visit family three hours away qualifies as a life event.) It sounds to me like he "wants" you when it is convinent for him, and that he is 'hoping' you will stick around until he meets his goal. One question though... what about the next goal he sets for himself... will you be put on the back burner then and expected to wait for him then too? I would recommend speaking to him very honestly about what you need out of this relationship, give him time to think about it, but also have a definate time set when you need some sort of response and attitude change or you are finding someone else that can meet your needs a bit better that he is. After all, he is NOT the only one in this relationship... you are too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): He sounds like a very busy man. Sometimes in the normal, everyday course of things, phone calls don't get returned until later. Four or five hours later is not that much - unless you are calling with something urgent. And he does eventually call you back, most of the time.
You might let him know it would be nice to go out somewhere for dinner, or a movie, bowling, dancing, whatever, on a Saturday evening (or go out during the day on a Sunday). Of course, you'll do it gracefully without pressuring, blaming or complaining! If he works from 6:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m, that's a long day and he WOULD be tired.
My husband (I'm widowed) had a similar work schedule and actually had to be up by 5:30a.m. to catch his train at 6:00 a.m.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, cardencal +, writes (30 December 2006):
cardencal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has a male roommate and I have called him late at night to see if he's really at home on more than one occassion and I woke him up each time so he's telling the truth about going to bed at 9. He is pretty guarded with his personal life. Other than his roommate, I haven't met any of his friends or family although he's met mine on Thanksgiving. I found out today that he's now out of town to be with his family who lives 3 hrs away for the New Year's weekend. He didn't bother telling me his plans in advance even though we were together yesterday at my house. Yet when I called his cell phone this afternoon, he made it a point to let his family know that he was talking to me on the phone and that he loves me. He's very affectionate and loving when we are together and on the phone but half the time, he doesn't return my phone calls or texts until 4-5 hrs later, if then. He calls me when he feels like it I guess. I asked him did he want to just go his separate way because I didn't think you can love someone and treat them with indifference but he was very adamant about wanting to stay in the relationship and that "he loves me with all his heart and he didn't want to lose me." I honestly thought he was going to cry the way he sounded on the phone. I am very frustrated as I don't know if he really loves me and this is just how he is or is it something else that's going on?
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A
male
reader, guylostinlove +, writes (30 December 2006):
He won't spend the night even on the weekends?
Does he call you when he's at home?
Have you called his house number (if he has one)?
Why don't you ask to go to his place one time ...
Is he very private with his personal life? Maybe that's why he doesn't like going out much (unless you know he's always out with his friends).
Honestly .. how can you ask someone to possibly marry you if you haven't even slept the night and woken up with them the next morning ...
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