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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I would like some feedback on what to do about this situation. I have met a great guy recently who I really like and who likes me. He is black and I am white. He has only dateed white women and his family has no problem with it. I've never dated a black man and my family defintiely does not approve of interratial relationships. I'm not sure what to do about this. I love my family but worry they won't even talk to me again if I tell them about this. I know that he and I could be together for a very long time as we enjoy all the same things and have found something in each other that we both have been looking for for a very long time. I'm just not sure what to do. Should I let this guy go because of my family or risk everything and tell them. And how do I even tell them? I'm so torn over this. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, In Love With Him  +, writes (4 January 2009):
This is the way i see this..... if your parents understand then they want have a problem with it. I have a black boyfriend and i am white. And if you like this guy so much you shouldn't let him go!!!I have the same situation. My parents have been racist all their lives and they dont approve of him. But its better to have you happy or have you goin with someone you dont like as much! SO you should let something so good go!
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female
reader, Amethyst +, writes (31 December 2006):
 You go girl!
That's the spirit! I hope you two are very happy together. ^_^
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your comments. I have been thinking about this a lot and have decided that I'm going ahead with the relationship. I will speak to my family about it hypothetically and see what their reation is. If they don't agree or approve then it's on them. I can't let someone who could be my soulmate go on the account of my family. I've never let them come in the way of what I've wanted to do in my life before and I can't at this time either. If they can't accept him then they don't accept me.
Someone told me that "Racism is bad = Parents and family wrong. So unless you can prove that racism is good, you know the answer."
I guess I knew the answer in my heart all along but needed someone to remind me of how I felt. I know this won't be easy but it's worth it and that's what really matters. I deserve to be happy. I've been through enough in my life with abuse and divorce that finding someone who is good to me should be celebrated not hidden and agonized over.
Again, thank you all for your comments. :)
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (30 December 2006):
 I have to disagree with the commen by rhythmandbluses2. Who is bashing the readers parents or anything to do with their southern roots?
The fact is, this is racism on their part and all I would like to emphasise to the reader is that she is entitled to date who she wants and and shouldnt allow the ignorance of her family to stand in the way. I am not insulting them by calling them ignorant, ignorance sometimes may be due to a lack of understanding. Their may be reasons why they hold these views.
As for the deep south, well I am British so I have no idea of the deep south in the U S of A, however cultural differences neednt be an issue, its only if you let it. I have West Indian/British culture and my bloke may have Traditional English culture, but the beauty is we can share our cultures and if I have kids with a white British man, I can teach them about Black History e.g Garrett Morgan, the Elijah McCoys, the Benjamin Baneker the Rosa Park, Martin Luther King, whereas my partner can talk about British greats such as Florence Nightingale, Thomas Edison, etc etc.
The fact that the parents dont approve in my eyes means they are prejudiced. I am not one to play the race card, but sometimes, some people are just prejudiced.
Reader, do what you feel in your heart to do, and if you have found happiness, stay with it. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): There seems to be a lot of bashing going on of your parents and their Southern roots, calling them racists...I don't think this is very helpful to your situation.
I live in southern Missouri, and am a former Texan...it is not the deep South, but I think a lot of posters here are in the dark ages about thinking Southerners are completely racist....I don't think that is really accurate.
I think most people know on a deep level that skin color does not a person make, however, African Americans and Caucasians ARE culturally different and we have hundrends of years of history that make us who we are as people...we have our own identites, just as our different religions also make us culturally and philosophically different.
The solution for all peoples of different sexual orientations, religions, and race is to be accepting of our differences and not to bash each other by name calling (racist, etc) and to respect that some of us want to be married and have children with our own kind because we relate to each other better or for what ever reason that we make that choice, it is deeply personal.
That said, there is something about this man that makes him right for you regardless of his color, some other African American man might not be right for you, but this man is and you relate to each other well....Respect that your parents may be dissapointed in having grand children that may not be the same color as they are, it isn't right, but they are entitled to their feelings, and all you can do is be respectful of what ever concerns they may have about your marriage or relationship with this man.
What you nee to do is to ask for the same respect from them for your feelings and to ask that they are accepting of your choice because it is YOUR CHOICE and that is OK, you are an adult, you have the right to live you life and do what is right for you and makes your life fulfilled and happy.
Good luck, and I hope your family will understand with the love in their hearts for you....if they don't then it is their loss as well as your own.
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (30 December 2006):
My dear, you are an adult and if you choose to date a man who is a different colour to you, then so be it. Racism and the end of the day is foolishness and ignorance. I am black and have nothing against dating white men, in fact the man I am kind of going out with is white and his colour isnt an issue for me in the slightest.
Skin colour to me is just God's way of creativity, He made some brown skinned, some porcelain skinned and some olive skinned etc, but thats all it is, COLOUR. It means nothing else. There are some pretty awful people from all races, likewise there are some pretty decent people from all race. I cant see how a white woman being with a black man needs to be an issue. Providing he is caring, honest, decent, loving and wont do anything to hurt you or treat you badly, so what if his skin is brown?
My dear, you are an adult and are free to do as you so desire, if this guy is a good, decent guy, then dont allow the ignorance of even your family to put you off. Good luck. xXx
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female
reader, krongie +, writes (30 December 2006):
 you dont need the world, you just need each other in love...
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Are you really 36 - 40? Old enough to choose your own partner, I'm sure of that.
Don't pamper this issue up with vague politically-correct words, it isn't that your family don't approve of "inter-racial" relationships, the truth is your family are racist.
This kind of racism, or being against "inter-racial" relationships if you prefer is traced back to slavery. Slavery was justified by westerners because it was said that black people are sub-human; they are closer to animals, to primitive existence, hense racist taunts regarding jungles, living in trees, etc. The issue is though that by regarding the black man as primitive and "jungle-like" the ideas of his masculinity is grossly exaggerated. Hense white racist people tend to believe that black men have huge overwhelmingly huge penis's, a symbol used to dominate and control the animal kingdom.
This is why some racists believe that black men rape white girls, and why others don't approve of "inter-racial" relationships. Deep down, it comes down to an inferiority complex based on sex and power. It is from a deeply established fear that a black person is animalistic in nature.
If your family really see black people as so different to white and that they should "stick with their own kind" then you have a tremendously big problem ahead of you. But to give up your chance of happiness for the small-minded views of your family? That seems very tragic to me.
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reader, Belle*En*Noire +, writes (30 December 2006):
 that is very true what is the diff? You like him so you shouldnt care what ppl think. Just go for him and enjoy the relationship!
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reader, Amethyst +, writes (30 December 2006):
I live in Southern US as well but let me tell you, it's not as uncommon as you may think. It's just kept on the DL (down low) most of the time. But there are some, like me, who are completely fine with it and really don't care what others think. If you like someone based on their personality and not just their appearance, that's how good long lasting relationships (And happy ones!) are established. High schoolers are catching on to being more accepting of it, and the only ones that really are against it are the "dixie pride all the way" type people.
My fiance is Italian, but most people don't see anything wrong with it because he just looks tan. What's the difference, he's a different brace/b with difference customs and history... how is that any different than dating a black guy? People usually don't think of it in such a manner, but really, they should, because it's true. It's the same deal.
You're capable of choosing who's right for you, who cares what your family believes, it's not them who's dating him, it's you. And if they get mad, it just shows that you're better than them because you're willing to look past pointless factors of a person, and they're not.
Good luck, I hope they warm up to him in time. ^_^
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female
reader, allalone +, writes (30 December 2006):
I think that if you really love him, then you should take him to meet the family. Love knows no color. Maybe you and mom need to spend the day together, and have a little heart to heart. maybe give her a hypothetical situation. Feel it out. It is your life. You have to be happy. I wish you the best.
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reader, rammsteinfan +, writes (30 December 2006):
 As long as you love each other, so be it!! And if you don't have the approval of your family...(or friends)oh well!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you two...Live your life!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you both for your answers. They both make complete sense. I don't usually live my life for my family, but I do have two children, 17 and 12 and my family is close, so holidays and birthdays are times we spend together. They don't live in the immediate area that I do and seeing him isn't an issue on a day to day basis. It's those special times that in time you want to share with everyone you love. I live in the south(US) and to say the least, interratial relationships are not as accepted as maybe in other parts of the world. Especially since I am from a small town. My parents are upstanding citizens of this town and their image is something they hold dear. That is one reason why I moved to a larger city. There also isn't much opportunity to invite him to meet my parents on a friendly basis without bringing him home during a family funtion. Which would then make it obvious as to why I was bringing him home. I can deal with any issues that arise in public, that doesn't bother me. It's just the family thing. Thank you again so much for your thoughts. I welcome any and all. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): You are a very grown woman and I don't think you can make decisions on who you love based on whether or not you will have mom or dad's approval....but you need to be ready for the consequences of how this may affect your relationship with them.
Give them a chance to get to know him slowly and to see what you see in him that makes you love him, take your time with this relationship and don't make any commitments too soon and keep an open dialogue about your family and how they may react with this man...in time they will learn to accept him if they see that you are happy with him and if they don't then I question how much you need your family in your life.
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reader, AngelofLove +, writes (30 December 2006):
 If you let him go, you may regret it for the rest of your life.
Perhaps after getting to know your man, your family may learn to accept him over time. Specially once they realise how much he makes you happy.
As much as do not want to upset your family, you cannot spend the rest of your life with your family, and it should be your choice who you love.
Hope all works out.
Angel of Love
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