A
female
age
51-59,
*ovehurts!
writes:I don't even know where to start and yet feel better just by starting. This man is or rather I thought that we were the best of friends and that we would see each other through any and everything. We have been friends over 22years or at least that's what I believed and lovers off and on during that time and currently still are. He moved in in Dec 08 and this was hard for me. I never lived with a man that wasn't my husband and he said that we would get married as soon as my divorce was final. I've been separated from an abusive spouse for about 9 years now he won't sign the divorce, he shows up and tells these rediculous tales to the judge and because he's a Vietnam vet the judge keep giving him time to get his head together and all that jazz. Well in June I lost my job... I was diagnosed with MS and this guy that I thought was my forever friend said he thought it best that we part... I fainted literally... I thought even if we never get married that he was a friend through thick and thin. How do I get through this heartache. He wants to stay together as lovers but just not marry for a time. I can't do that I just want the strength to let him go. Saying goodbye to 22 years and family and children it has been the hardest thing that my heart has ever had to deal with. How do I stand tall and say I don't want a relationship that's about a good lay and good day off and on between the sheets when he couldn't be there when things got rocky? The pain is so deep. I still care for him but I just don't like anyone that can do this type of thing without blinking an eye. In 08 I bought him a boat for Christmas. I really thought he was my dearest male friend and lover.
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female
reader, MsVick +, writes (28 September 2010):
 I know exactly how you feel, numb, hurt, angry and crushed. You will need to give yourself time to grieve and get over this man. He apparently cannot deal with a real relationship such as marriage. Perhaps for him having the option to walk away is a must. Regardless you need to take care of yourself and take one day at a time. Try to keep busy with friends, family etc. 22 years is a long time, mine walked away after 7 years, I can only imagine the pain you are going through. Be strong and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): actually this is not uncommon. He is trying to deal with it and his way is to cut you off emotionally. I would do some research on terminally ill cases of couples. In a lot of those cases one partner leaves. Facing your illness means they have to face it as well. My mother in law was truely angry at her live in lover of 25 years for having cancer. I do mean angry. Whether or not she knew it, it was because of her love that she was so angry. Right now is not the time for rash decisions. I assure you, this man has not been acting for 22 years. Give this all a min, get some counseling for the both of you. Divorce, illness moving in are all in the top three most stressing things in life. Do not be hasty in anything, the man is living with you I do not think he is just interested in a good lay after all this time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 September 2010):
 I hate to say this, but you're seeing the real guy now. The thing most people don't realize is that usually in an affair, the relationship is distorted by the "illicit" nature of it. Someone else has the responsibility of the "thick and thin" (the spouse) while the people engaged in the affair has all the excitement.
Now, your guy no longer has that advantage, and now, faced with a real test of your love, he bolts. He wanted your comfort, but without any effort. The way you get through it is to harden your heart to him. Honestly, you have to understand that the man you thought he was is an illusion, partially brought on by your own trials with your husband. You saw him as someone who understood what you were going through and was your "savior" from your otherwise difficult married life. Unfortunately, he saw you as a diversion - someone to have sex with and to alleviate his loneliness. You had someone else to "take care of you", so he got all the good stuff.
Now, when you need him, he's dropping you. That is not love. You need to get to the point where the mere thought of him makes you almost physically ill, and then you will move forward and rebuild your life. I am sure you will find someone who will actually love you.
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A
female
reader, RennieGeek +, writes (28 September 2010):
Now, is he still living with you or has he moved out, and is he just wanting sex from you, or does he still want to be your boyfriend for lack of a better term?
I think, because things are so difficult, it is hard to get married, especially since you are not legally divorced! But yet you told him that you can't be with him without marriage. Perhaps he is feeling lost and walked away.
I guess maybe we need some more clarification on the situation.
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