A
female
age
36-40,
*1sha
writes:Hi all,I'm 27 and I have a really big problem with my mood. I didn't stay in contact with my school friends when I went to uni. I went to an inner city comp and most of them went on to get pregnant at a young age whereas I went on to become a doctor. I'm adopted and not close to my adoptive family as my adoptive parents real children are manual workers and they resent me for being successful academically. I have been in 2 long term relationships of 6 years and 2.5 years (ongoing). I spent all of my uni days with my ex-boyfriend and didn't really make the effort to make friends as he was my whole world at the time. When we broke up I was devastated. I then met my current boyfriend a few months later and made the same mistake of not making other friends but spending all of my time with him. Our relationship is really rocky at the moment as his family won't accept me and he's very close to them so he wll have to choose between me and them. I fear that he will probably choose them. I'm a GP now and I only work 3 days per week. I've lived with various housemates since qualifying and they have all gone off and got married one by one. I am so very lonely most of the time. I drive and walk around London by myself and all I see is groups of friends and families of which I have neither. I feel so depressed that I feel like crying when I see them. I know that you will say 'join some clubs, make friends, it's easy!'. But I just don't know how to even find the clubs. Secretly I've always imagined that once I was married I wouldn't need many friends as I would have my own family and I would never be alone. Now, that seems unlikely. I want to marry my boyfriend and I'm not sure how I will cope if we break up as my only good friend from university has moved to another country. I'm so very sad.Please help if you can.Thank you
View related questions:
broke up, depressed, my ex, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (4 October 2011):
One of the best ways to meet people is to sign up for a class, language classes are always fun and you have to talk to others, but also art or photography, or anything you can find an interest in. Sport or dance classes are probably less social but still good for you. A regular weekly class gives the discipline needed to actually join in. Good luck.
A
female
reader, HoneyComb  +, writes (3 October 2011):
Just came back to let you know that I recently signed up on MeetUp, too. What's great about MeetUp is you can join existing groups, new groups, and even start one of your own to attract others with he same goals, interests, or professions.MeetUp UK can be accessed at: www.meetup.com/cities/gb/17/london/If it's any consolation I have a 29 year old son who is quite lonely now that most of his buddies are married. It's challenging to meet women when your friends can't go out with you anymore. Among his many other interests, he boxes, played water polo for a while, and recently joined a volleyball team. I know he'll be okay and I admire him for staying in the game. That's what I want for you...be in the game!
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 October 2011):
First of all, you DO have a family - even though relationships have been strained, you can try to repair or restore them. You can try to reach out to your siblings and parents and try to find common ground. They may have rejected you in the past, but you can always try again with a different approach, you never know.
Second, realize that even if you get married and have kids, you will probably still be unhappy if you continue to not learn how to make any friends. If you don't learn how to foster and build and maintain a network of relationships and instead rely on just one or two people (a spouse or relationship partner) to meet all of your emotional needs, that's a surefire way to make that one or two relationships unhealthy and eventually unhappy as well.
I've seen this happen often - married couples where one or both of the partners have no friends (because of poor or underdeveloped social skills, or underlying social anxieties that didn't get resolved, or in some cases where one partner was abusive and isolated their partner from friends) and rely entirely on their marriage/relationship to be their only link to the outside world. Or to BE their entire world. This is never a healthy situation. It can lead to one or both of the partners becoming depressed, if they're not already. And it can hurt the relationship between them too because when you have only one significant relationship in your life, your world view and perspectives become very limited, your world shrinks and you sort of lose your sense of self, as do they. Which in turn can make it harder to look beyond that unhealthy relationship to make new friends, ironically. your partner may come to feel smothered and resent your over-focus and dependence on him, and you might feel resentment at his resentment.
thus, you need to learn to make friends and build friendships, for your own emotional health whether or not you ever get married. And if you do get married you need to not make your husband and kids your entire world. To be an emotionally balanced person you still need to have other friends and a life outside of your marriage. Having friends will boost your sense of well being. You don't need to have a lot of friends, or be super-close like the stereotypical "best friends" you see in the movies. You can have various levels of closeness with different people.
Why not start with the people at work, that's a great way to make friends because here are a bunch of people who already have similar interests (professionally) as you, and who share common ground with you. You already have a lot in common with them just by virtue of the fact that you spend a lot of time in the same place doing similar work activities. Invite them out for lunch, or join in at office parties and get involved in casual hallway conversation. Ask them about how their weekends or holidays were, and share how yours were. If you see something nifty in their office - like a painting or photograph - ask them about it to start conversation.
Another thing to consider is whether you have depression, and that this is the root cause of your feelings of loneliness and difficulty in making friends. If so, then you should get treated for depression and that may make it significantly easier for you to make friends and feel less lonely. good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): No need to worry. You CAN change this and turn your life around. But you need the will too. If your boyfriend doesn't end up breaking up with you and you do end up staying with him will you still care to make friends? Even if he does make up with you, you still need to make it a priority of yours to be social and make friends. But you need to be serious about it and not just do it only because your boyfriend is not around. Because potentially good girlfriends are not going to like to be around a girl who only hangs with them when her boyfriend is unavailable. I can tell you a dozen ways to meet people and potentially make friends. But in order to have good friends you must BE a good friend. And you have not done that so far in your life.But there is no point beating yourself up about it, you just have to do things differently from now on and stick to your new goal. You can do anything you want in life. When you are serious to prioritize friendship, with or without a guy by your side, then you will have all the will necessary to make friends.So in case you are serious, there are a combination of things you should be doing to make a social network. One way is to rekindle with old friends. Get on facebook, contact old girlfriends, talk to them, see what they are up to, ask them for coffee sometime. Be honest about yourself and be a good listener. Another good way and very natural way to make friends is to simply be outgoing on a day to day basis. Say hi to your local grocer, chat with your co workers. Start getting into the habit of talking to people everyday. Shoot the shit. Talk about a show you watched or a funny joke you have. You gotta start talking to people around you, see what you have in common with them. Go to a bar by yourself and sit at the bar, have a drink loosen up. I've done it. Sit there, talk to the locals, the bartender, tell them your story. A local pub is a great way to meet people because those types of settings tend to lend themselves to social ends. Don't be shy, do it. To make friends you have to be likeable. So be honest and open about yourself, be outgoing and be confident. There are alot of girls who are in your shoes. You are not the first and you won't be the last. But you have to change your routine. Get out of the house, stop feeling sorry for yourself, go places that lend themselves to socializing. And don't be shy. You have nothing to lose.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): Hi I'm in a very similar situation but I'm married. Being unhappily married can be as isolating and my husbands family rejected me which is the worst scenario so if your boyfriend chooses his family good luck to him you are better off without him . I'm childless too so don't have the female networks that come with that. I share your despair but realise there are lots of people in our situation. I went on meetup.com which is a website that brings people physically together with shared interests. It seems you put men before yourself to your detriment.. Need to change that too.
...............................
A
female
reader, HoneyComb +, writes (2 October 2011):
I am married and come from a really big family, but I've battled loneliness my whole life. I was number nine in a family with ten children, but I was different and didn't bond. For whatever reason it's just not easy for some of us and others with good friends and close family ties can't possibly understand. What I do know is that one person alone cannot possibly fill all your needs. Do yourself a favor and stop looking at how other people interact and work on building your own social skills. Smile at strangers, invite neighbors over, join on-line social networks...get a dog (I've been told many times that having a pet is a sure way to meet people ...and pets are family). ...p.s. you have a friend in America!
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (2 October 2011):
Friends are BIG! Especially because as you've come to find out, relationships don't always last. My parents were married for 27-years and split up last year...all they had was each other and felt like they didn't need any friends. Now they're wishing they did have friends.
When I moved to a new city I made friends with my roommates. I found them on craigslist. It is hard to find "good" roommates sometimes but you can always put an ad out that you're looking for a place and that you're looking for a roommate that is social and wants to be friends too (plus you'll save money).
Also, you work only 3-days a week! You definitely have time to find a class, club, etc. that interests you where you can meet people. You obviously have the internet, you can find out what's going on by checking out the internet. And don't be afraid to go places by yourself! It's intimidating at first, but you'll be glad you did.
How are you sure your boyfriend's parents don't accept you? Did he or one of them tell you? Or are you just overthinking?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011): You live in London. surely you can find something to do? You are never going to meet people and make friends if you don't put some effort in.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (2 October 2011):
 I agree with the previous post, and I would also like to add that while you shouldn't pressure your current bf, if he is so close to his family, his family really should accept HIS choice to be with you, if not you immediately. I think that family can be overprotective but if they see how happy he is with you, they will probably come around eventually. He should also be strong enough to choose who he wants AND maintain his relationship if he feels enough for you. Sorry for that rant. Is there any single ladies at work that might be up for a night out dancing? or maybe there are some volunteer opportunities that the hospital is putting on? I think that there are things probably right under your nose that you can be a part of if you just look at your surroundings.
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (2 October 2011):
 There is always stuff to do out there, it's just a case of looking for it! What sort of things would you like to do? Dance? Zumba? My mum went on a website where other females around her age were looking for friends aswell, but for the life of me I can't think what it is! I will find out though and get back to you!!!
You can look on the Internet for clubs/activities in certain areas of London. Just type it into google and see what happens!!
All the best, I'll find out the name of that website x
...............................
|
