A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a bit of a dilemma here and not sure what to do?I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now and I thought that everything was great.But, recently my ex girlfriend got in touch with me. Me and my ex dated nearly 6 years ago for only a month and I wouldn't call it a real relationship as we were too young, didn't have sex and were more like friends. So we broke up. But a few times over the years we have been friends with benefits in between relationships. This is perfect with my ex as no feelings get involved on either side and we don't get too involved in each others lives. Then when one of us meets someone else, we go our separate ways.My ex has just got out of a long term relationship and has contacted me. She has stated that it will only be no-strings fun as she doesn't want to jump straight into another relationship as she is not over her ex and I would only be a rebound. Which is all fine with me as I have no feelings for this girl.The problem is this time I have a girlfriend. Now, I love my girlfriend but I can't stop myself having the urge to cheat with her on my ex. My girlfriend is pretty don't get me wrong. But my ex is super hot, absolutely stunning and kinky. On top of that my girlfriend never wants sex. I have spoken to her about it before and she just says she isn't a massive fan of sex- no matter who it's with. My ex found out I had a girlfriend and told me she didn't want to continue talking to me as it was unfair on my girlfriend. So we didn't speak for a while. But I ended up finding myself messaging her and lying and telling her I don't have a girlfriend anymore.So far, all me and the ex have done is send naughty pictures and messages to each other. But we are planning on meeting soon. I feel terrible for what I'm doing to my girlfriend but I can't stop. Now I'm worried all is not well in my current relationship as I thought it was. I don't know what to do to stop me wanting to stray??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): Hi everyone, this is the OP of this questionThank you all for your reply. Most of it was really harsh but all of it deserved!I have been unhappy in my relationship for a while but i have been too afraid to admit it. I feel like i have failed in most things in my life and now another failed relationship under my belt. I do love my girlfriend but i'm starting to see that it wasn't working out. I was a coward.I think i actually convinced myself i was doing nothing wrong so i would'nt have to face the facts. You would all be happy to know that my ex contacted my girlfriend on facebook last night and told her everything. My girlfriend hates me now and never wants to see me again and my ex has basically told me i need to sort my life out. I think a part of it also has something to do with my feelings for my ex. When we went out years ago i had no feelings for her and was the one that broke it off with her. But over the years things have changed - she has changed a lot. When i don't see her for years i am fine and can enjoy relationships. But when i see her out of the blue every couple of years things change. I can't stop thinking about her, then she dissapears and i forget that she even existed. This is not the first relationship her 'presence' has ruined. And i don't mean that as if it's her fault because it's not. I regret that i broke up with her all those years ago. I think she will always be the one that got away but the one i can't have as she doesn't want me like that. But again i'm a coward in the sense that i can't bring myself to tell me ex that. I think i'm in love with her and have been for many years. It's not that i just want sex with my ex, it's just that i suppose i get to at least be with her in some sort of form for a while. I try and tell myself i have no feelings for her as i'm often in denial about my own feelings. I guess the reason i wrote the original post was because i wanted people to tell me that it was ok to break up with my girlfriend. My family love her, we have mutual friends and all would be devistated if we broke up. I just could'nt face dissapointment. It was selfish of me and i deserve what has happend to me. And if there was ANY chance of anything with my ex i've probably completely ruined that now. Thank you all for your advice
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (18 October 2013):
 You are already straying. Imagine if your girlfriend wrote in with just this dilemma. How would you feel?
"Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself" - Confucius.
Stop being a wimp - you DO have a say over your actions.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 October 2013):
 How could you possibly think that all is well in your relationship if the sex part sucks , and she never wants to have sex - whether she hates sex in general, or just with you ?? I thought this attitude had gone out of fashion with the last Victorians : an angelic, chaste, sexually insipid lady to adore and put on a pedestal officiallly - and on the side the carnal ,lusty, "lost " woman with whom secretly unleashing your lowest appetites...
Newsflah : if you and your girl aren't at least somewhat compatible sexually, no, not all is well and it won't work- as apparently you are realizing just now.
Said that, you SHOULD feel terrible for what you are doing, because it's really dishonest to both women. You are planning to cheat on your gf ( and have already crossed a line by exchanging naughty pics ) and you have lied to the poor ex who shows class and integrity in not wanting to get involved with a " taken " man. Only,, for you getting laid is more important than respecting either of these girls, so , as long as your penis is happy, everything is cool .
If sexual fulfillment and hot kinky sex are so important to you ( and I am not saying that they SHOULD not be, mind you ! ) why don't you just leave your sexually inappetent gf , so that both are free to look for someone matching your respective sex drives ?
Or, if it is important but not as important as all the rest that your gf is giving you, why don't you at least make an effort to work on the unfulfilling part ? - Talking to her, tryng to figure out from what mental blocks and fears her sexual disinterst comes from, increasing EMOTIONAL intimacy , trust and communication so that she can feel comfortable in telling you or showing how she would like to be loved physically, what are the things that really excite her, or at least excite her more than others etc.etc. ? Maybe even seeing a counselor together ?
Too much work ?, you like things coming easier ?... I would not blame you- your call. But, in this case, you should call it quits. You are not married, do not have ( at least you do not mention ) children together or shared property, or a long long history together... why clinging to something that is NOT going well ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2013): If your current girlfriend isn't into sex and you are; exactly what is it that holds the relationship together?The relationship isn't all that great; if you're a healthy young man in his twenties, with a girl who isn't a fan of sex. I assume masturbation is your alternative to real sex. Now your FWB is back in the picture; and temptation has you lying and scheming. It isn't even necessary.Switch from the little head to the larger one, and use your brain. Put your girlfriend in the "friend-zone" where she belongs.At best, you should transform your present relationship into a "platonic" friendship; and re-establish your hookup privileges with your ex. That way, nobody gets hurt and you don't use lying and cheating to get what you really want.SEX!Simple logic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2013): "My girlfriend is pretty don't get me wrong. But my ex is super hot, absolutely stunning and kinky."
This sentence might as well read "My girlfriend is bland, but she'll do when there isn't anyone better around. My ex is so much hotter than her, and therefore better." Sorry, but this is how A LOT of women would read this sentence. I can't imagine how hurt your girlfriend would be if she read that.
Basically, it's all about looks for you. No matter how well your girlfriend has treated you, no matter how much you supposedly "love" her, she can't measure up to your ex just because your ex is hot. I'm willing to bet that even if your girlfriend was willing to have sex with you on a regular basis, you'd still want to stray with your ex. I feel you're just trying to justify cheating on her by telling yourself she's partly responsible because she doesn't give you enough sex. It shows you have a conscience, to a certain extent, which is a good thing.
I'm not criticizing, even though it may sound like it. I'm simply saying how I perceive your situation from your post.
I'm sorry, but you're not ready to be in a long term, committed relationship if this is your mindset. If all it takes is a "hot" girl you were only involved with for a MONTH to tempt you away from a long term relationship, then it can't mean all that much to you. You can say otherwise all you want, but it is what it is.
The best thing to do in this situation is to break up with her, and let her find someone who will appreciate her for who she is, and not be thinking about what they'd like to do with "hotter" women.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 October 2013):
 You just said that everything is great in your relationship, except for the sex, which your girlfriend doesn't want and apparently doesn't enjoy, as she's not a
"massive fan"…. read she HATES sex with you.
So everything is NOT great in your relationship, you value sex, she does not, you are in a doomed relationship anyway, so get out and go enjoy yourself with your kinky ex. Problem solved.
This is so simple it's a bit odd that you didn't work it out for yourself.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 October 2013):
 so you have NO feelings for your ex but you could not RESIST seeing her and to do so you LIED to her
and you are LYING to your current girlfriend about the EX by not telling her...
OF course ALL is not WELL in your current relationship.
in fact, NOTHING is well in that relationship or the FWB you have going with your ex.
I would tell your gf what you are doing so she can break up with you. If you just end it with her without telling her why she will think it's her fault. And it's NOT.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (18 October 2013):
 What your're doing is downright disgusting. Stop blaming your relationship for your actions and learn to take some responsibility. The hot, kinky ex turns you on more than your girlfriend and you want to cheat on your girlfriend with her. Do what you want but have the minimum decency and end your relationship first before you cause your poor girlfriend any more pain. Not only are you a cheat, you're spineless too. Seriously, grow up before both women dump you, which is what should happen.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 October 2013):
 Of course all is not well in your current relationship. You are cheating on her. Break up and get on with whomever you want. Just be a real man and be honest with the ladies.
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