A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this wonderful girl for about a year and eight months.She used to screw around with another guy before we got together, even occasionally when she was in a relationship. When we started dating, she said that was over. So did he.At about a year, my girlfriend realized she had feelings for him yet, similar to a feeling of "the one that got away." I soon found out, and we took a break so she could have her chance with him. She was very confused about her feelings. However, since this other guy happens to be a very close friend of mine, he refused all advances during the time of the break, out of respect for me and the urge to not get involved in the drama of the situation. My girlfriend and I got back together about a month after the break.She said she was done and over it, but I'll admit I carried a grudge for a while. Still do, on a minor level. Not to mention the break in trust.At a year and eight months, we're all pretty civil about it. She doesn't really talk to him, either do I. However, whenever she does speak with him, she's entrapped by him. She hides it, but I can tell. I check her internet history when she goes to bed. Every time they end up speaking or he is brought up, she will check his myspace several times throughout the day, and always right before bed. She'll read over old text messages they sent, AIM logs, look at old pictures, anything she has. Now, she's never been unfaithful. And we're very happy and stable, for the most part. Yet I can't shake this feeling of unrest, this feeling of doubt. Do I have a right to be worried? Should I have faith everything will be fine? Should I prepare myself in case her deep seated feelings return strong enough to throw off our relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, I would like to thank everyone who gave their time to read my problem and provide advice.
Unfortunately, I've heard both those sides already. Focus on the good, not the bad, and the 'you deserve better' side.
Now, let me elaborate on what really worries me. What truly irks me about the entire situation.
My girlfriend likes pretty things. She's entrapped by them. She believes Johnny Depp to be the prettiest man in the world, thus she has a giant poster of him. She has told me if Johnny Depp appeared from nowhere and wanted to have sex with her, she would do it, and deal with the damage. It would be worth it.
She collects magazine covers and pictures of photos that simply speak to her, that have a beauty she thinks is worth holding onto. She also enjoys pictures of couples in love, sentimental stuff. I'm sure you get the point.
In the end, I think it's visuals that get the best of her. The Johnny Depp example is perfect, to her he is the prettiest possible, so she wants him.
This other guy, she thinks he's beautiful. And she's had a taste before, but never the whole thing. They did everything but sex, and she knows she could of had it at some point, but never actually reached for it. Nobody likes half portions, people naturally want the whole thing.
Her desire to have all of him overtook our love. And I can't explain to you that she loves me, just take my word. We have known we're meant for each other, knew from the first couple of weeks we met. This guy was so attractive, she thought it was worth putting us off. Not for a sure fire thing, like "I can just get single, we'll do it, and right back. My urges will be satiated." No, it was a shot in the dark. This physical attraction was so powerful she preferred to take a chance to MAYBE finally get some from him rather than stay with me.
When we had our time apart, and he told her there was no chance, she came back. That's not the only thing that happened, we talked a lot about the relationship and our feelings, insecurities, problems, good times, etc. So we eventually truly worked back into a stable sort of thing. We really grew from the time apart, and understood each other more. It was enough to get her to come back, and for us both to appreciate each other more.
But in the end she was left unsatisfied. And given her fixation with pretty things and how pretty she thinks he is, I just can't be certain this is truly a secure relationship.
I can't draw her to me like he did. She may think I'm attractive and beautiful, but he's got that too. And he's got mystery, she never had all of him. To her, I'm an open book. She's got me for my good and my bad, but the other guy, all she can see is the visual. And the visual to her is divine.
See why I can't shake my uncertainty?
A
male
reader, Rogerramjet  +, writes (14 July 2009):
I think you have to talk to her about this. Don't bring up that you're reading through her stuff, but i would tell her that you can "just tell" that she's obessesing over him. This isn't fair to you.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife +, writes (14 July 2009):
 "Life is like a camera, what you focus on; you will develop". By going through her internet history, the only think you're growing inside of you is worry she'll leave for him. With every file you read, every picture you see, you're loosing trust.
In the business world, a company who focus on "How can I bring down my opponent" has more chance of failing in business than the business who says "How can I create a better service/product for my customer."
To bring that to your situation. Don't spy on the competition and focus on "What can I do to make her life with me even more enjoyable? How else can I show her how much I love her?"
It's not about being worried, it's not about "How to prepare yourself ..." (Which I don't see how you could do so). It's about how giving your 110% in this relationship. Give it your all on "Why I love her" rather that "Why I'm worry she leave me".
Hope this helps, have a nice day.
-StudentOfLife
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