A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a girl a couple of months ago who was emigrating half the way round the world shortly after. We became intimate and although she always stopped short of having full sex there was penetration digitally and some genital contact. She then emigrated and we've kept in touch. Recently I have been having pains in my bladder and lower back, as well as my groin. Prior to meeting this girl I was with my former partner for five years and I have had sex with no-one else. I went to my GP as I thought this was a urinary tract infection. The GP informed me that it was more likely to be an STD, given that men of my age rarely get UTIs. I thought this unlikely, given that we didn't have full sex and my former (five year) partner was a virgin when she met me and I know she didn't have sex with anyone else. However, it turns out that the girl I had the brief relationship with had genital herpes and didn't say anything (unfortunately I found this out from her mum after she heard what the GP told me). On hearing this I was obviously concerned that this may be the cause of my symptoms, although I felt it was probably unlikely given the degree of sexual contact we had. Our main method of communication is by email. I sent the girl an email which was worded, as much as possible, in a very supportive way, telling her that I now knew she had Herpes, that I'd got these symptoms, and although I thought it was probably a UTI, I had to go and get checked out and that it was obviously now causing me a bit of worry, and that I wished she'd told me before we'd had any sexual contact at all, given that Herpes isn't just passed on through full sex; that I'd been to the STD clinic after I heard this and they said it was a possibility that she could have passed it to me. Unfortunately Herpes is hard to test for unless you have lesions, so I guess, unless I get these in the future, I now won't know whether I've got it or not, unless they find something else (tests have come back negative for UTI unfortunately, but it's possibly a kidney stone).I guess I wasn't expecting a grovelling apology, but all I got was a one liner back from her, basically insinuating that I was a fantasist for thinking she could possibly pass on Herpes to me given the degree of sexual contact we'd had. I found this a bit insulting to be honest - I guess she's understandably upset that this has all come out and now is on the defensive about the whole thing and I know she's absolutely mad at her mum for telling me, but do you think I was in the wrong for bringing it up?? I didn't accuse her of anything, I just presented her with the facts. In my book, if you've got something like Herpes, you should be upfront with anyone who you let into your pants. The ironic thing is that, if she'd told me, I'd have researched it a bit, and it really wouldn't have bothered me. I feel sorry for getting her mum in trouble with her, but have talked to her mum about it all and she's totally on my side. It's a real shame because she was meant to be coming back at Christmas and we'd talked about life together afterwards but I feel like she wasn't straight with me and to be honest she's pretty pissed off at the moment (with me, life, who knows?) anyway so I doubt that's going to happen now. I'm gutted at the way it's turned out. I'm not exactly expecting any further contact from her - I think she's expecting an apology from me(!) But do you think I'm being out of order, unfair to her, etc? It's sometimes difficult to tell when you feel strongly about something, and it's not something I feel comfortable discussing with my friends. Thanks!
View related questions:
christmas, herpes, std Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): Hi everyone, original poster here.
Thanks for your kind words and support. I guess you're right, she's probably embarassed about it and maybe, given time, she'll calm down. The big thing is whether I could now really trust her I suppose, to be honest I could have got over the fact that she didn't tell me, but somehow that, coupled with a completely unsympathetic and angry response when I brought it up with her, seems like a step too far (I note that she's now put up a pic of her with her previous boyfriend as her Facebook profile, presumably in some kind of petty way of trying to get at me). I don't wish her ill, in fact I wish her all the best for her life, but there is something in me that hopes she comes to regret having treated me this way, and hopefully that'll mean she'll be a bit more of an adult about it with whomever it is next time round. It's a real shame, I honestly thought she was a nice person, but it seems to be rapidly coming to the surface that she's not the person I thought she was.
Thanks,
J
A
male
reader, Cloverfield +, writes (11 August 2010):
 Honestly buddy, you are the very paragon of calmness & understanding.... she is the one who's being out-of-order. If someone I trusted & cared for gave me Herpes I'd go absolutely mental!
I suspect you'll find that her reaction is born out of embarasment, a reflex defense so to speak.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jesc  +, writes (11 August 2010):
 From everything you have said, I think you did an amazing job on telling her.
Like you said "I didn't accuse her of anything, I just presented her with the facts" Personally I think you did everything right.
You did not do anything wrong, You informed her.
That's all you can do.
I am happy that you are such an adult about this.
I pray everything goes well for you, I also hope everything comes back okay.
:)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): Honestly if she wasnt upfront then its her wrong. I can understand that shed be a little defensive about it but hey what girl wouldnt. Tell her sorry if a life with her afterwards is what you wanted and say sorry more like, sorry I was to blunt with you or sorry that I didnt come off as soft as I wanted to be. But Tell her if you did know that pertection would have been a nice thing and possible aftercare with the docs. Be nice about it.
And of course you were not in the "wrong" hun. You did a good job letting her know so she couldnt possibly pass it on to any other people that she could possibly be sexualy active with.
...............................
|
