A
male
age
41-50,
*imDeuce
writes:I'm in a loving relationship with an older woman who has two children. I've never been happier, but I see her turning inwards, sometimes. She says she has issues, with her looks, getting older, etc,. I know she needs me to be strong, confident and more assertive, but I've always struggled with negativity, paranoia and bouts of depression, and I cant help thinking that she's going off me, like my brain doesn't want to let me let this go. I don't want this to ruin what has started off so strongly. How can I regain lost confidence and know that I'm not at risk of losing my relationship because of the darkness in my head?
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male
reader, JimDeuce +, writes (18 September 2007):
JimDeuce is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your kind words. Its so easy to assume that I'm the root cause of her issues, when I know I'm most likely over-reacting. I'll always let her resolve her own issues and be ready to listen when she needs, and I love giving her attention and affection, and seeing the smile I get for my efforts. But, because she's been a single mother for so long, she's always been strong-minded and independant, but highly stressed, as of recently. She smiles when she's happy. I smile when she's happy. Now, I find she's having trouble smiling, and all of a sudden, I feel... lost... or helpless (I know you're going to say I'm being silly, but I feel better when I can do something to help, I hate this feeling of uncertainty because I know I can't do anything other than offer love and support) I guess it's hard for me to understand because her issues and stresses are very different to my own.
Your words make sense. I have faith in her, and in us, however much my mental strength needs work (I'm always at my lowest when I'm not with her, I get trapped in circular negativity), but I know I can stand by her and be understanding.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): I agree..your lady is very insecure and you are getting dragged into her baggage as a result. I am trying to figure out how her own inner self-esteem issues (looks, getting older)...are making her 'turn off you'. That's unfair. She needs you to be strong and confident? What has that got to do with her own vanity issues? She's depending on you to give the confidence she needs to cope. You can be reassuring, compassionate, supportive and loving but she must not depend on you to heal her inner, psychological troubles. She owns this one and the only person that can fix her...is herself. Her behavior's are very unhealthy and co-dependent. Are you sure you want to live with this type of unhealthy neediness? If so, all you can do is hold her up when she is down but....she does the same for you. This is what we do for people we love and that is part of working at an equal, loving, generous relationship. We encourage and support. We don't 'turn off' them because they can heal our own emotional issues. You simply can't give her what she needs...the strength and confidence herself to work this through, in her own mind. As for you own lost confidence, you can get that back by not feeling that you are responsible for healing her problems. Tell her that. Do it lovingly. Reassure her, if she needs to talk about, you will listen...that is all you can do. But don't allow her problems to take you down. So...of course you’re depressed. No-one likes to feel unloved, unwanted, when they are trying their best. If you feel you’re in a rut, then do something about it. She needs to learn to respect you and realize her problems are own to resolve and you need to be strong and tell her that. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Ears4tears +, writes (18 September 2007):
 Hello darlin,
To regain your confidence in your relationship you need to keep telling yourself that your not the cause for your a partners issues,when you realise this youll be able to fully support your partner in dealing with her insecurities. Men dont always realise how easy it is to please women, simple gestures and plenty of compliments all most women need. Alittle TLC and attention goes along way.
ITs easy for an outsider to say but be strong and keep fighting xxxx all the best xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): I completely sympothise with you. I am the part of my relationship that is exactly as you discribed your partner. You need to convince this woman that you are happy, she is beautiful and that you are not going anywhere.
She was probly very different before her children came along, as was I. Never needing reassuring because she was happy with herself. Now she has issues with herself you need to step in and make her feel needed and loved. The happier she becomes, the more you weights will be lifted - You have no reason to worry, you are good to this women and even when times are difficult she loves you. A happy lady = a very happy man!
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