A
female
age
51-59,
*aughtita
writes:Hello,I married my "best friend" 9 years ago. Well, it's been really old for about the last 5 years, but we hung in there. No kids, didn't want them. He goes to the bar every day after work till about 8pm. I go home, make dinner, clean, ect.... On weekends (99% of the time) he sleeps till the bar opens at 4pm. (I have to make him something to eat before he goes, is all). He is a very nice person - not abusive or anything. I'm just not sexually attracted and I just don't care any longer. K - now he had to go out of town for work and I had been texting back and forth with a male friend of Both of ours. It got really good and we hooked up about 2 months ago. The sex is the best I have ever had or thought to have. I have known this man since I've known my husband - we all hung out together. He says hes had a crush on me for years. I really like/love this man. We click, we have many common interests and I really just want to be with him. I know its selfish, I am not like that normally, but I'm sick of doing everything for everyone but me. I fell asleep last night with the phone in my hand. My husband got out of the shower and say the light go off and got my phone and read the message from my lover. It said how much he loves and misses me. He demanded to know who it was. I said a friend. Of course he doesnt believe me. At this point I really dont want to hurt his feelings but I want out. I dont know what to tell him about this text message. I really dont want to tell him that yes I am fooling around. I have NEVER done this sort of thing before in my life. I need advise.
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female
reader, safearia +, writes (21 September 2007):
first off, i think you should have never married your best friend. second i think you shouldnt let him go to the bar....make him stay home with you and if your really in love with him start treating him like a husband not a "best friend"
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (18 September 2007):
 Pack your things, find a nice little place to live and tell your husband that you're tired of living like this and yes, you are attracted to someone else. You're spending too much time worrying about his feelings, when he's been absent in your marriage for a long, long time. (What do you think he does at the bar every night?)...Don't feel guilty. It's time for both of you to move on and quit going through the motions, trying to protect each other from knowing the other one has fallen out of love. I wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): When people cheat on their marriage they never expect to get caught, face the fact, wether he dosn't come home or not, wether the two of you are living seperate lives it is not the reason that you want out, you were puytting up with it before and if you wanted to do something about it then you would have long ago, it is both of your responsibilities to work on your marriage but the affair is something else, dont try to justify it by making out your marriage was not worth saving, you cheated on your husband and for that you owe it to him to be honest with him, tell him who it is that you have bought into your marriage and that you want out, don't wrap it up in rose tinted spectacles it is far better to be honest give him truthful answers for everything he asks and stop lying to him, he will be hurt, he will be devastated but he will get over it far quicker if you are honest with him, be prepared for him to be angry but when you cheat on your marriage what do you expect, i've been there i know what i'm talking about and two years down the line in a very bitter divorce because my wife lied and lied about her affair believe you me nothing good will come out of trying to carry on your lie, do what you have to but be honest
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A
female
reader, caughtita +, writes (18 September 2007):
caughtita is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate you all writing your opions. I agree wholeheartedly with all of you. It is what I want... I just needed to hear it from others. Wow - a very tough thing to deal with, but I am almost relieved that it's out. I certainly didn't mean for it to happen this way. I really didn't want to hurt him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): If you want out, then get out. Sounds like you are independent and working, so living and supporting yourself is not a problem. Let's be honest, I could tell you go to marriage counseling, get working on your marriage, stop this affair, blah, blah, blah. But how realistic is that? There are no kids involved in this union and hubby sounds like he's headed down the path towards an alcohol problem and it appears he is clinging to this separate, side life away from you. He's not prepared to make the changes to improving the marriage. So getting the love back is not going to miraculously pop out of nowhere, if only one person is doing the work. It takes two. I mean..you can try but I do feel if you have someone else, you will never want to work at this, now. So where does that leave you, staying in this unhappy situation? Actually it sounds like both of you are very unhappy and disconnected. So,if you think rebuilding with your husband is impossible, then contact a lawyer and get on with your life and just be happy. Good luck, hun
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): Well, he hangs out at the bar all day when he isn't at work. So obviously he isn't too excited by you either. If you'd of had children, your lives would probably have been different. It's like you two have nothing to live for by being together. You have to tell him that you want a divorce. As far as telling him who the lover is, I wouldn't until you're divorced. It will hurt him to know that he has been betrayed by 2 people in his life. For what you've said though, I am not so sure he doesn't want a divorce as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): There is no easy way to tell your husband how you feel! You just have to be truthful and honest with him!!! Yeah he's going to be mad, say hurtful things but what do you expect? You cheated on him. Sadly your husband had to find out the hard way - reading the messages on your phone!!! I tried telling my ex fiance a number of times that I wanted to end the relationship cos I wasn't happy but he wouldn't have any of it! Said he would change, would go more places, do more things 2gether other than go to the pub but that lasted about a month and back to the same routine! That lasted 9 years before I had the courage to walk out and tell him I had met some one else about 3 months!! He went crazy but I was glad it was all out in the open... It was a weight off my shoulders!
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A
female
reader, Ears4tears  +, writes (18 September 2007):
 Hiya huni,
It is a difficult postion to be in when you care for your partner but LOVE someone else, but huni honesty is the best policy, either way you do this someone going to get hurt so dont drag it on any longer than it needs to be. If you dont love your husband and you care about his future happyness then give him the chance to be with someone who will love him, your no used to him or your marriage if you cant give it your all.
With every lie you dig yourself a bigger whole, so free yourself and your husband from any more hurt and unhappyness. EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY EVEN YOU!!!!
Best of luck xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): How would you feel if he had done that to you with a mutual woman friend. That how he is feeling right now so I think its only fair to tell him the truth now and not add insult to injury by lying to him. Maybe for him the feeling is mutual and is sticking around because he does not want to hurt you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): The trouble with this situation is, you let yourself get caught before you had chance to be honest so now whatever you say,he wont believe you and he will probably think it has been going on longer than it has and also that it has happened before. Be prepared for this.
The best thing to do now is come clean about everything. Don't even try not to hurt feelings because its too late for that. Lets face it, this man has bored you for the past God knows how long, you have become his mother - cooking and cleaning for him etc. You were right to seek some excitement, a woman needs to feel alive. The answer now is to be honest.Its all you can do. Hope this has helped.
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