A
female
age
36-40,
*ost_Soul85
writes:I apologise for the length of this. I think my partner has a drinking problem. We have been together for 3 years, we are both 23. My partner is very shy, she is on medication for anxiety problems and has consistently refused to seek counselling. She finds it hard to socialise with people and for as long as I have known her, has only had a few friends. Those she chooses to associate with are (for the most part) heavy drinkers or drug users. She and her old work mates loved to go out into town and drink to the point of blacking out. She and another friend (of a year or so ago) would go out clubbing, consume as many substances as possible and drink till sunrise. The couple that used to live across the street from her would lure her company over with gram after gram of cocaine. She has got herself into a number of unpleasant situations due these pastimes, including KOing in the middle of the road causing a concussion and being sexually assaulted by a man who she thought was a friend (she refused to speak to a professional about the latter). I admit that I was party to allot of this hedonism but over the last year I have been working to control my behaviours as there is a history of alcohol and drug addictions in my family. Both my granddad and my uncle have died through diseases related to alcoholism (my uncle just last year). I have been out clubbing maybe three times this year and work very hard to limit the amount I drink. My girlfriend had also made some attempt to control her behaviour, she changed jobs and no longer associates with the the friends I have mentioned. However, she does find it hard to make new friends. About 3 months ago she came home from a night out and told me she'd made some new friends. I was pleased for her and she took me to meet them a couple of weeks later. When we arrived at the flat I was horrified to learn that her new friends were all functioning alcoholics. The first is a 49 year old man (he is unemployed, chain smokes, sits in his flat all day guzzling litres of white cider from the moment he wakes to the moment he passes out). His son is a similar creation although he is no longer able to entertain my girlfriend at his dads flat since he is on a tagging order due to offences committed when drunk. The last has just been introduced to the circle, the fathers sister... words cannot describe, the first time I met her she fell over a table. She has been spending ALOT of time with these people, I have been round to the flat 4 times and I cannot get my head around why she is so enthralled with them. The last time I went round I left after 2 hours in absolute disgust and refused to go back. It was 10pm when I arrived, the father was already so cut he couldn't get the key in the door. He sat there for the remainder of the night babbling nonsense to himself, helping himself to my cigarettes and aggressively trying to grab the beers I had brought round (because he had drank all of his 4 litres of cider before I arrived). His sisters entrance was quite spectacular, she fell over in the corridor then barged into the room only to fall over the table and remain motionless for 10 minutes. Over the two hours I was there, she repeated the same two sentences over and over and became aggressive when you picked her up on it. I don't consider these events normal but this has been the case every time I have been round there. I am horrified that my girlfriend spends her free time like this. That night I left early, the next day I told my girlfriend that I wouldn't go round there anymore because I am not comfortable around alcoholics (because of my uncle) and because I refused to feed her 'friends' alcohol addictions. That was Monday. I tried to contact her over the week (to no avail). On Thursday night I lost my job and was desperate to talk to her. I tried to contact her, still nothing. This is unusual for her and I was incredibly upset. On Friday I became very worried and rang her work to see if they knew where she was. I never monitor her movements in this way, it was done out of worry. Her manager told me that she had gone home sick the day before and then called in sick for her shift that day. Just then I got a text from my partner saying that she had gone away for a few days and that she would contact me soon. I walked up to her friends flat to see if he knew where she'd gone. Her bike was outside his flat, her mums dog in the hallway. He lied to me and told me that she wasn't there. He escorted me into his bedroom which seemed strange and spoke to me for a couple of minutes. He left the room so I made a beeline to the living room as something did not seem right. My partner was sat in the corner, she was pale and drunk - it was 6 o clock in the evening. I spoke with her, she had been drunk for 4 days, had been drinking in the morning and had stopped taking her medication. Her 'friends' knew this and hadn't stopped her. She was a mess and I couldn't stand to be near her. I tried to shock her into realisation, I told her that she was pathetic and that I wasn't going to sit around and watch her become like my uncle. I left and haven't heard from her since... I want to help her, we love each other. I am not innocent in all of this and I have let the issue go unattended for a long time which has proabably made it worse. Its probable that I have even fed the problem, financially I am very good to her and I do enjoy a drink... She is a very vulnerable woman and I feel that these people don't have her best interests at heart. They allowed her to not take the pills that help her function and watched a woman HALF there age drink herself gaunt and pale, constantly over 4 whole days! I have decided to be strong for her but her drinking is ruining our relationship, threatening her job and most worrying, disturbing her already fragile emotional state. I don't know what to do... these people are just enabling her drinking but I can't demand that she stop seeing them... that needs to be her choice. How can I make her realise that her drinking is no longer appropriate? That it is damaging her, that its damaging me and that she really needs to cut down or just stop drinking all together? That these people are not true friends. Please give me some advice, its all I can think about at the minute and its scaring me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (25 August 2008):
 Shes got a major alcohol dependancy problem, probably due to the fact she has low self asteem and it gives her the confidence to talk to people. But this old guy that drinks White lightening all day and swipes your smokes and beers isn't a friend. He's a ponce. But it makes your girl feel better if she befriends these 'needy' down and outs.
You need her to get some professional help. We all like a night out now n then, even once a week, but drinking til we are in the gutter? I thought we only did that in our teens!?
Good luck. You sound like you have a lot of patience!
C xxxxx
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