A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 15 year old, male, homosexual and I'm still in the closet. Here lately I feel this erg to come out to my parents but yet haven't because I fear how they will react. I love my parents dearly but honestly we have never been close and they are not very supportive of me and what I do which is making things even harder. I think my parents may already be aware that I'm gay; my mother has been making comments about how she could care less if someone is gay and has no problem with them as long as they don't try to force their sexuality onto people who are heterosexual. On the other hand my dad has come straight out and asked me if I was gay, he appeared mad at the time and I was not comfortable telling anybody yet so I said no, he then responded with "well then stop acting like a f**king fagot." This did not help my confidence that they would be accepting at all. As I have said I truly love my parents unconditionally and I really want to tell them that I'm gay but I'm not sure how approach them about it or how they would react. Please help I honestly have no clue what to do!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): There is absolutely no urgent rush to do this (come out) but it does sound as if both of your parents already have a fair idea, and I completely understand why you often feel like you can't, or don't want to, bottle it up any longer.
But taking the 'fucking faggot' remark into account, I would IMPLORE you not to tell your father, at least not until you turn about 18 - or later - and have greater ability to cope with the psychological and practical consequences of him disowning you (worst-case scenario). He has already asked you straight out about your sexuality, and it sounds as if it wasn't a friendly, welcoming, open-hearted inquiry in the least. I'm sure it would be torture for you to have to live under the same roof if that discussion was to go badly. It may already be a very strained father/son dynamic, but there's no point making it even worse for you than it needs to be. Basically: for as long as you're living there, don't say it out loud, even if you both know it.
As for your mother, her comment sounds like it may have been a coded hint 'it's OK if you are' or at least a clear enough suggestion that she won't react with anger and hatred if you confirm you're gay. She may be leaving it up to you and is unlikely to openly ask you 'Are you gay?' Mine did much the same when I was 16-ish with a steady sort of stream of mild hints (saying how pretty my girl pal was and 'but you don't really seem interested in girls' 'you know, our sexuality is an important part of what we are and we shouldn't try and hide it') - which eventually gave me the courage to 'fess up at 19. Even then, after the 'something really important to tell you' prelude, I literally couldn't quite get those two simple words out and she ended up saying it for me 'you're gay, aren't you?' (I nodded) 'I always knew it pet, you're 100% gay'.
Not an easy conversation, but it sounds as if she's trying to make it easier for you, so if you can face it without dying of embarrassment and you reckon she already knows, you should be honest and come out - or at least drop hints - and MUST make it completely clear that you CAN'T let your father find out.
The alternative is also perfectly do-able: not to tell anybody. It's your private business, but something as fundamental as your sexual identity can't be kept 'private' forever. Eventually, the day's going to come. Face it ONLY if and when you feel ready.
Best of luck and I so hope it goes OK for you. All the best
A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (8 June 2011):
 If you REALLY feel that you need to come out to your parent(s). It sounds like you should NOT tell your father. Instead... talk to your mother about it. She sounds like the more rational/loving one. If you're testing the waters - so to speak - you could always say something like... you found that that one of the kids at school came out to his/her parents and that their reaction wasn't very positive... then poise something like what would you do if I told you I was gay??? or that you felt sorry for him/her.
There's no set 'rules' per say as to when you can/should come out to anyone, including your parents. Some say wait until you're self-supporting (e.g. out of college) but that seems like a really long time and for some it's just not practical (i.e for effeminate boys or extremely butch girls). Some parents are so homophobic that they end up kicking their kids out on the street - the main reason for homeless teens in America - which is truly sad.
If you decide to stay in the closet you need to find out what your dad means by 'stop acting like' and then try to stop doing whatever it is that so irritates him. Unfortunately this part SUCKS and makes you feel guilty... cause essentially you're just LYING all the time. The question is, which can you live with... the guilt possibly for a long period... or coming out and possibly 'losing' your parent(s). As hard as it is, Only you can answer these questions.
We're here for you. I encourage you to friend/write to as many 'aunts/uncles' here as you like. Most of us are non-judgemental and can possibly point out things you haven't/won't even think about.
Hugs and Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Hey,I think that unless you are strong enough to deflect any negativity without it affecting your self esttem and self confidence you should remain in the closet until you have learnt an attitude that dismisses peoples negative opinion.Homosexuality is something that traditionally attracts alot of prejudice and although this is decreasing in times and is much more accepted now than in the past you will still get haters. You need to work on your self and train yourself to be stronger and bullet proof. First find independance. find a part time job and do well in your studies at school. find things that your good at and go to clubs and classes that harness your abilities. Surround yourself with people who have the attitude you want and learn from them.. then when you feel you are invincible to words and prejudice then come out.UKLifeCoach
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