A
female
age
30-35,
*ustwannabehappy
writes:Hey.. I really need help! Its about my parents... For the past year my mom has started to not be home that much only a couple of nights a week... She works as a teacher in Sweden (we have a house there and shes swedish...) It costs about 40 $ back and forth... everyday. so she says she doesent come back to where we live in denmark because she doesnt want to pay that much everyday... I accepeted that but then one day i found some photos of herself and a man in Germany they were taking pics together... And then one pic in his apartment... So i started thinking she might have an affair.. Then she announced that my dad and her had been fighting (over money ) and that they might would be getting a divorce... but they didnt.. I hav e also seen text messages in german from an unknown number who says stuff like kiss kiss... And she often has Msn conversations with webcam with a man i n german... And ive found some german mans shampoo (she said it was hers and mhy little brothers, that she had bought in germanhy) My mom and has always been happy... So what should I do now? Ive tryed telling her I might think shes having an affair with little hints - but she just thinks Im annoying or she gets angry or hurt...! Im only 15 and my bros 8, so what should I do? I just wanna be happy and have fun in life, be good in school and have friends and partys to attend, so what should I do so it doesnt affect me and makes me sad all the time..*? And I ve always thought my ma was a good person and respected our family enough to not do stuff like this...:(
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female
reader, justwannabehappy +, writes (17 July 2010):
justwannabehappy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! This even though it didnt put an end to my despair, did help a bit, I know eventhough that I will never understand their relationship and problems so I quess ill just have to deal with... As long as they take care of my brother and I and do the parrenting thing right.. But the thing that tares me apart is that im the only who knows,and i think its a serious love affair.. Oh.. i hate this, cant wait to move away from home and let them deal with it.. I just hope(i know its irrationnal) that if my dad finds out, he wont do anything stupid like.. hitting her or throwing her out and her stuff to or killing her.. but thats stupid of me to think so.. But thanks for the story, it opened my eyes :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 Sweetheart, whatever you do, do not judge your parents. They are there for you to love them and be loved by them, and not to be judged. Parents are not perfect,they are not demigods, they make mistakes and have a dark side like anybody else. And most couples function based on strange chemistries and particular balances that their children will never understand.
The day of my wedding ,my always sober-as-a-judge dad got rather drunk and confided to my new husband that he just had had some "naughty " escapade. My new husband immediately ratted on him to me- and I was astonished and incredulous. My dad ? No way. Must be the drink talking. My dad adored my mom, totally spoiled her, put her on a pedestal. Plus, I saw him as...well,old .And unappealing.
He was very witty and charming and intelligent, true, but.. a ladies' man ? naah. No way.
Way,instead. Years later, days after his funeral, my mom was in a reminiscing mood and recalling all the good times of her long marriage , all my dad's good qualities... and his faults too. His roving eye, his occasional weaknesses for the ladies. Whhaaaat ? She recalled this FONDLY. Chuckling ! I was furious, just furious . With him and her. I told her : how could you put up with this ? Why did you not make him stop, divorce him, or at least threaten him to leave...
It turns out, because she did not care. Honestly and truly, it did not affect her. First, my mom is from a generations who thinks "boys will be boys " and "all husbands cheat ". Second, she was secure in her position as the one and only he really loved and wanted to keep for life- in fact, he thought my mom was out of his league and his indiscretions were just a way to compensate for that. Third, my mom occasionaly used said indiscretions as leverage to get her way on anything and everything she wanted.
I was floored- I was ashamed. For them and of them. A marriage built on hypocrisy ( in my view )... It took me a few years of cooling down and growing up and putting myself in their shoes to realize that IT WORKED FOR THEM: It could not have worked for me- but I am a different person. They found their way to make their marriage work- and happily too. Weird as it sounds, they had a complicity and a closeness and an intimacy that I was never able to recreate in my "pride and honesty " based relationships.
I know my parents story won't help you suffer less, and I am not saying your mom is right in cheating.
All I can't say ,again, is DO NOT JUDGE YOUR PARENTS. Just love them. Let them free to be human, fallible,imperfect,even mean. Do not nail them down to your idea of what is the perfect marriage or the perfecdt family.
I hope everything turns out for the best for you and your family. Be strong- good luck.
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A
female
reader, justwannabehappy +, writes (12 July 2010):
justwannabehappy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah.. just now I found out that shes surely having an affair.. I saw pictures of her and the man kissing! :( I cant stop crying and every time I give a hint on what I know, she acts like nothing is wrong and that nothing is going on... Im so sad.. And my dad doesnt really know I think.. I NEVER EVER EVER THOUGHT THAT MY MOM COULD DO SUCH A THING!!!!! So know, if my parents get divorced i dont really care. Im just worried about my dad, I know its silly, but what if hes so sad that he commits suicide or become an alcoholic or something.. I hope not! I just wanna move on with my life, not worry about this all the time, everyday all day.. And that my dad doesnt find out..! :( I want to get past this stupid thing as fast as possible!
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A
female
reader, RB92  +, writes (10 July 2010):
Hey - I'm sorry you haven't got a reply sooner. From someone of a similar age to you, I know what you're going through. Issues like these tear families apart and I can see this is what you're concerned with most.
Though I don't agree with what your mum might be doing at all, you have to realize something about marriages. People, particularly nowadays, get married but fall out of love with each other. It might be that your mum and dad don't have as much in common with eachother as they used to, and that your mum is a lot happier with this other guy. It might be that they haven't already divorced because of you and your brothers welfare (particularly since you've said they'd already discussed the matter). Lots of parents do this, including my own. Above all, you have to realize that whatever happens, your parents still love you. Both of them. And just because they don't love each other doesn't mean they love you.
It would be easy for me to suggest you just brushing this aside and for you to try and move on with your life regardless though this wouldn't solve the problem. It might be worth you discussing this directly with your mum. This will take a lot of courage but it might be worth it. Discuss with her everything you've told me about what you've seen. Message me what happens if you want to.
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