A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 46 year old woman in a 24-year-old loveless marriage. I should say it's loveless on my side only. My husband loves me dearly and would do anything for me. But I don't love him anymore. I tried to leave him a year ago, but lost my nerve and got back together with him (we were separated under the same roof). The 3 or 4 months that we were "separated," were a very happy time for me. I felt like a new woman and had a new lease on life. I felt like I was "sprung" from a prison and was so happy to be on my own. I decided to rent a house and divorce him (this was September). When it came time to pack up and leave in December with my school age child (he was going to stay in our house until it sold), he was a basketcase and I decided it was just too hard to torture him with leaving him. I told him that we could reconcile and I did this because it was just going to be too hard to go through the process of divorce and what it would do to him, our children and our parents. It was just too hard to unravel everything. We decided to move into the rental house together and have our house that was on the market, all clean and ready to sell. The rental agreement was for 6 months. We finally sold the house, and bought and moved into a smaller house with more affordable payments. Since I make more money than him, I thought this would help our situation and I wouldn't feel I needed to work 80 hours a week to keep everything afloat, but things haven't changed much in my mind towards him.My husband is hardworking and loves me completely. But, he's probably the most selfish person I know. Very narrow minded and likes to complain about everything and is not a very good dad (although he's been trying to work on that aspect). I don't find him sexually attractive. I would prefer to never have sex with him again. I feel like he's my brother and not my husband. I don't think I'm frigid, I just think it's my view of him sexually. I've felt this way for a LONG time. He has no sexual prowess, has always been a premature ejaculator and has a pretty small penis. I have never had an orgasm with him (yep that's right, never!). Sex takes less than three minutes and there's no foreplay ever. I used to try to fake orgasms and interest, but that stopped many years ago. I've closed down from him emotionally and physically. When he touches me, I just wince with discomfort. I also long to be with someone that is more on my level intellectually. He's not stupid, he's just very one note and not intriguing at all. I've never had an affair in our 24+ years of marriage and I believe he hasn't either. I'm not interested in counseling, I just don't think it would help anything.What should I do? I think he would stay married to me forever, even though I treat him horribly. I don't want to hurt him and my family by divorcing him, but I can't see being so miserable for the rest of my life either. I did vow to stay with him through good times and bad. Am I just stuck forever?
View related questions:
affair, divorce, foreplay, frigid, got back together, money, moved in, orgasm Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): To the female who responded on Nov 16 you have little in common with this lady who has a real relationship problem. You are bored/lazy and projecting things that are your responsibility on to your husband; get busy, get a job and rebuild your self esteem. If you wont make any decisions he will! I think your husband may be is getting his needs somewhere else whilst you lie dormant, you cant blame him if you are lazy and wont fight for a good and normal husband & wife relationship. Your solution is to reignite your relationship otherwise i just know you will end up lonely and all alone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): I'm thinking you should make a plan to leave him at some point. Maybe it's not this year or next, but set your goals to move on. Life is too short to be miserable. Best of luck to you and your situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): I suppose that as life changes us so must our feelings towards one and other. If you treat your partner badly and behave horribly towards him, is he really to blame for everything, it is natural that he will behave the way you say that he is. You have said that he is trying to be a better father... is that the first step? Have you thought about changing you, about looking at yourself and how your behaviour is dictating the pace? Do not listen to the "walk away" men, they are weak and have no interest in your future happiness. Their solution is to walk away from resolvable problems because that is what they would do; it is not what you should do on the advice of people with no investment in your real happiness. Sex gets boring and your partner stops being attractive, it happens in every marriage, but there are ways of spicing up your love life and despite your reserve, counselling should not be dismissed. You may not find him attractive now but that does not mean that you will not find him attractive again. Talk to him about it. Like many problems in life there is often simple solutions to putting your life back on an even keel and back into a loving caring relationship. Please think very hard about your next move and please try counselling.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): I don't have any advice to give you, but i will say i am in the exact same situation, with the exception of not having any resources myself, having spent the last 14 years being a stay at home mum. I care about my husband in a brother or even fatherly way (i say that because most of the time i feel like he's my father and not my husband) and the thought of kissing him, let alone anything else, is abhorrent, not that there is a huge problem there as sex has been almost non existent for about 14 years. The problem is, now i have developed these hormones and i don't want to live like that any more. He is a very strong, controlling, even manipulating person but is not nasty, just insecure underneath, and to be honest i partly blame myself for allowing him to control me like he does. Anyway its comforting to know that i"m not the only one out there.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): sorry its sounds like me I'm 43 years old and in the same situation...I thought I was the only one but I guess i'm not. Simply we are to good and not selfish at all if we were we would move on but we seem to worry more about them then ourselves. Everyone has choices in life and its ours if we choose to move on. Maybe you have more strength then me I still am weak. Just try to take care of yourself and wish you lots of luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 November 2010):
You need to turn around and walk away, this time permanently. Yes, you did vow to remain through the good and the bad. But when it's all bad, no one really wins. He's not winning because you don't love him. You're not winning because you're not doing your own thing. From what you've said in your post, I don't think counselling would help anyway. I think it's past that. I strongly suggest that you leave. Yes, it will be painful. But that's the way it has to be. You 46, and you've still got a lot of time to go out and have your fun. But stay in this marriage, and it will be a long time that you are miserable. Time to leave.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 You stopped feeling love and yet you still show care. It will hurt but you have to leave him. You are already hurting him by remaining in a marriage you have no interest in. When he shows love towards you, you cannot reciprocate and when he tells you that he loves you, you are practically lying when if/when you tell him you love him. Just be honest and leave him. It will get somewhat hectic but in the end I think it would be best for everyone if you just be honest and leave him.
I hope that helps.
...............................
|
