A
male
age
30-35,
*ragonslayer
writes:So, I am in a long distance relationship with someone whom I have never meet in real life! We are supposed to meet each for the first time for christmas in december. We video chat and messages everyday, but she has this habit of randomly disappearing. To clarify "disappear" we will be engaged in messaging(conversation) she will send me a and I will reply back in like 5 minutes, then no reply for hours! She will reply back hours later with a "hey" and some bullshit excuse! I told her about this several times and she keeps doing it. She says there is no one less and she gets upsets when I lash out because "my words hurt her". I value honesty over everything. If she was honest, I wouldnt get upset! Its the fact that I feel like im being lied to and I cant prove it is what makes me upset. I have told her constantly, if it is someone else I understand we can either work through or walk away just be honest about it, but she always assures me "there is no one else". So, im at the point where i wanna walk away, but I'm fearful that maybe im wrong and she is telling the truth!
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christmas, engaged, long distance Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 April 2021):
 I always wonder why people claim to be in relationships with people they haven't even met. What is that all about? How can you be in a relationship with someone you have never met face to face?
Considering the "disappearing" is a regular thing and, despite voicing your concerns, it continues, in your shoes I would be backing off this ersatz relationship. My guess would be that this girl has a number of "relationships" on the go.
Has she asked you to send her any money or gifts yet? My guess is that she will not be able to afford to come and see you unless you send her the money, then she will have some sort of "emergency" crop up which will prevent her from visiting.
In your shoes I would be looking for a relationship nearer to home, with someone you can meet face to face. You are right to be concerned; there are a lot of scammers out there.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (25 April 2021):
 I think its slightly worrying that you are having trust issues even before you have met her in person yet.
Trust in one of the most important factors that keep a relationship going, with no trust relationships are more than likely headed for a downward spiral.
If you keep up with the distrust, and broaching it with her all the time she is going to get fed up after a while and leave you for someone more closer.
OP, she does not reply for a couple of hours, now if you were on here saying she goes of radar for 2 or 3 days then comes back with lame excuses i can see that this would arouse your trust issues. A couple of hours tells me she is simply going about her daily business. If for example she went for a run, then did a spot of yoga on her return, then jumped in the shower, all this would be the best part of a couple of hours.
I think you need to maybe work on your insecurities a little more. If you can't trust her, and expect a reply to your messages 10 seconds after you have hit the send button then maybe you should walk away from this LDR.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 April 2021):
 OH!, anon asked a really valid and good question,
HAVE you sent her any money? If you have STOP. You can't buy real LOVE. If she asks YOU (a total stranger whom she has NEVER met in person) for money, I'd say it's edging on being a scam.
About 10 years ago my BIL was "dating" his high school sweetie who lived a state over, but they couldn't move in together because (insert a million of her reasons, most of them bad) but she still asked him for money ALL the time. He was the one to drive the 6 hours to see her whenever he has time off. I don't know how much money he put into this "relationship" but he was smart enough to end it when he found out she had 2 other "BF" who also gave her money for "bills".
He was devastated that she had turned out to be a person who just wanted to take advantage of him.
So PLEASE do not mix money and LDR's or money and relationships.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 April 2021):
Do you expect her to be at your beck and call when you want to chat?
Can she not have a life? (and I don't mean see other people but have a life in general).
She will have to go to the store, to work, someone will call and chat, she will need a shower, to sleep, to take a dump, to cook, to clean to GO about business. SAME as you. But obviously, she doesn't do them simultaneously to you. Because that is not how life works.
If she often pulls a BRB in 5 min and then doesn't show up for hows to continue the conversation, set yourself a time of (let's say 10 min) to wait for her, and if she doesn't show PRESUME she got busy with LIFE. It really does happen.
There is a LONG time to December. Is it not possible to meet sooner?
Also, let's say you meet up and are a good fit. What then? Will you eventually move to where she lives? Or will she move closer to you?
I ask that IF you two have known each other for a good while. If you haven't "known" each other for more than a couple of weeks or months, then you NEED to chill.
I'd say meet up sooner rather than later. So you two don't build up this whole fantasy relationship but actually get to see each other and get to know one another a little bit first.
I DO think you need to chill. A lot.
You don't know her. You don't know her life. You know SOME of her life but it's VERY different from reality.
If you are so fearful and insecure, END it and date someone you can see on a day-to-day basis.
At some point, she will have had enough of your accusations and just dump or ghost you.
So quit it with the accusations.
Her life shouldn't revolve around you. And your's shouldn't revolve around her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2021): *sigh* Man.. LDR, pandemic, and travel bans don't really mix.
If there's a book on LDR, then I'm the guy who's written it. Christmas?? Eight months away??
Have you been living under a rock for the past 15 months man?
You're making these kinds of plans in a world where no one knows what next week will be made of?
I mean, have you not come to the realization of how precious time is?
Anyway.. LDR, pre-COVID, I'd say the two should be committed to making a face-to-face meeting happen within 2 months of meeting online. Not... Christmas!
Come on man.. That even bests me, at 17 when I "asked a girl out" in April to accompany me to the school fair... in O.c.t.o.b.e.r! And that was pre-COVID.
I mean, if you have not even met yet, and already here you are on DearCupid, realistically, where do you think this is headed man?
Trust your guts on this one. Do you happen to have sent her some money every so often yet?
I have done LDR. I won't overthink this one: my opinion is that if you've met that person online, and the best you can do is to plan to meet for Christmas, I may be wrong, but I strongly believe that you've got better use to make of what precious time these modern days grant us.
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