A
female
age
,
*utterflyJ
writes:I have a wonderful boyfriend but I'm insecure anyway. I know he loves me - it's obvious - first time in my life I've felt this loved. He has a great friend who's a woman, and I met her - we all went on a short road trip together. At times she seemed sort of friendly. But more times not. I don't know if I made her uncomfortable, or if she just didn't like me, or is just not friendly. She barely talked to me unless I started it, talked about me in third person to him (using "her") in my presence, etc. (not a lot)Problem is, he was totally engaged in her conversations, (they WERE much more interesting than mine), barely heard me, did not notice the tense times between us, worried about inconveniencing her and making her feel comfortable. He's a nice man, and a good friend - they are friends. I wouldn't have been upset at her behavior and comments if she was male. But after the trip I told him about my insecurities. He was totally understanding, and even apologized, and now I feel terrible because I feel like he will never be able to talk freely about this friend of his, and I will never be able to just ask about her without sounding jealous. I totally trust them that they are not romantically involved - I just didn't feel first on his list when they were together. I'm seven years younger than him. I have never had a "friend" of the opposite sex. I was married for 20 years to someone who couldn't handle it, and before that, it was always about possible romance, sex, anything but simple friendship. This is the first problem in our relationship - 10 months together. But I think my insecurities will drive him away. It is all just my insecurity - not in the relationship - but in myself, I think. I don't want to drive him away. How can I get over being insecure?
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female
reader, LallaZine  +, writes (30 July 2009):
 I think that a lot of women and men of course experience exactly the same thing. When you feel insecure it makes you feel worse. The more your dwell on being insecure or pushing someone away, the worse you make yourself feel.
Stand back and put things into perspective. You say yourself that you are happy and feel loved. It sounds like you are a lucky woman and he is a lucky man to have you. 10 months down the line of the relationship is fairly normal to feel this way, especially if you have been married for 20 years before hand. Being in a relationhip now is very brave after whatever you have experienced before.
As for the woman on the trip. Maybe you are being too harsh on yourself. If she was acting a bit unfriendly, but you were being friendly and civil towards her, she is the one with a problem not you. Let her get on with it. The main thing is you and your man. He sounds very understanding which is great.
Don't keep thinking about your 'insecurities' and 'driving him away', it is never too late to start changing the way you think. It's time to enjoy your life, this about you and him and you need to make the most of each other. You are at a good stage in your life and your confidence will grow.
Let me know if you have anymore concerns. Take care and good luck with everything
xx
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