A
female
age
41-50,
*rigga98
writes:Okay, I'm a 29 year old female, married, and have a 2 year old. I feel like all my husband wants from me is sex and when I don't want to he pouts. Being a new mother I'm tired all the time and he always wants to when I'm ready for bed. I've told him that we need to find better times of having that time together. Lately I've just started forcing myself to have sex with him so he'll leave me alone, and I don't orgasm and just think about how long it will take him to finish so I can get back to sleeping, or doing laundry, or the dishes. He's also a truck driver, so I only get to see him 3 days out of the week. He tells me he loves me and I know that he does, but I would like to just cuddle or for us to just spend time together that doesn't involve sex. Lately I've started feeling attracted to a friend of mine and it's getting harder to not act on some impulses. But he's there if I need help moving stuff or when I need stuff done that my husband doesn't do when he's suppost to 3 months before. We can just sit and play card games with witty sarcasm and enjoy spending time together. What should I do? Should I get a divorce even though me and my husband have talked about the issues and nothing has changed?
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female
reader, Azure Rain +, writes (15 December 2009):
Hello well from what I have read I understand that you love your husband but the other man pays you more attention and it feels good. No one wants to be a sex slave to their spouse.
You say you want advice to try to fix ur marriage.
Have you talked to ur husband about the problem.
Write him a letter telling him how you feel and while hes out driving he can think about how to respond to your issues.
Another idea i have is for you to get this book called the Love Dare by Steven and Alex Kendrix. Its a 40 day challenge to help save your marriage I got from Walmart. It is nice it helps you take it one day at a time. (its a christian based book) but I believe it will help a person of any religous group.
i hope this helps.
A
female
reader, Brigga98 +, writes (14 December 2009):
Brigga98 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help and advice. I was letting the other person who was commenting know that her frustration was unwanted. You have been helpful. Thank you again.
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A
female
reader, Brigga98 +, writes (14 December 2009):
Brigga98 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help and advice. I was letting the other person who was commenting know that her frustration was unwanted. You have been helpful. Thank you again.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (13 December 2009):
 I'm not arguing with you. I'd suggest again that youve reached the point where you are frustrated. You spoke of "it's get hard not to act on impulses" and you mentioned you can sit around and talk or play cards etc. That was the big red flag for me. If those feelings are crossing your mind and you are having private time with this guy, it's very dangerous. It is good that you are spending less time with this person.
If a marriage is not rock solid, it's a recipe for disaster when someone is mingling with the opposite sex. Especially if they're attracted to one person in particular. I'd say this is especially true for women. For men it can be soley for sex because an opportunity comes their way. For women, they can have sex whenever they choose, meaning whne they feel an attraction to someone else it's usually a little deeper. Sure it can be a physical thing too but to move forward from there they need more.
I'll say again, it sounds like you're doing the right things by talking to your husband and avoiding the other guy. I think you need to step up your efforts with your husband. I'd suggest some guidance from a professional marriage therapist. Your husband needs to know you're serious and how important this is to you. Since I don' tknow you it's hard to know how you're delivering ths message. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Brigga98 +, writes (13 December 2009):
Brigga98 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat I'm telling you is that I have been trying to fix my marriage. What I'm asking is for other ideas to help me fix my marriage. I don't want to cheat, and I don't want to get a divorce. My question was "should I get a divorce" and then I added the circumstances. Just because I have an attraction to another man, doesn't mean I want to cheat. I've started the process of making sure that I barely see this other person. The reason that I put up the little "clarification" was because you guys don't know me and there was more to add so you, the adivsors, could have all the facts to help you understand my situation to better advise me. If your too frustrated with not understanding the iformation I've given, then don't respond.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (10 December 2009):
It really doesn't matter who the other guy is or how you kow him. What matters is what your feeling about him. You have to fix the problem in your marriage or at least let him kow how bad it is. Stop with the other guy though.
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A
female
reader, Brigga98 +, writes (10 December 2009):
Brigga98 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify a few things. I have time for my husband when he's home. The problem is that my husband would rather sit on his butt and watch TV or have sex, than to go out or stay home and spend quality time with me. I take one night a week to have just me time, be that hanging with my best friend or riding horses. I've tried to get him to go on dates with me, but he would rather stay home and watch TV. I have talked to him about these issues several times and nothing has changed. The other thing is that the "other guy" is my best friend's brother who I have known since I was 12. His sister is the godmother of my child. So, just not being around him will be a big problem...especially since he also works for my mother. Any other good ideas?
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (6 December 2009):
It sounds like you're lacking something in your relationship. You should try to get some professional help for you and your husband.
Let's start with this "friend" you've developed feelings for. Stay away from him. He is no longer only a friend in your mind, you've begun to cross the line. This will lead to cheating if you allow it to continue. Every nice thing this guy does will only serve to magnify any imperfection you see in your husband. This may actually distort the reality of your husbands short comings. I hope you see the red flag here. How can you have time to sit around, play cards etc with this other guy and not have time for your husband when he's home?
The struggles you're facing are very common. This is the point where you're supposed to dig in and fix the problem. Do you see the irony in the fact that you're unwilling or have not made the effort as a couple to fix the problems but you're willing to admit you still have the ability to feel a spark for another man? You've said that you are too tired to make time for him. While that may have some truth, you need to make some priorities. What are your hsubands opotions if his wife does not have time for sex?
If your husband is gone for 4 days at a time, there really shouldn't be that many dishes to wash or laundry. It sounds like you may need to figure out a better schedule. It also sounds like he needs to get some things done around the house while he's home. He also needs to be more attentive to you. There is no other way to meet in the middle but to explore the issues and make a plan.
Let's consider your husband here. He is gone 4 days a week. It is not unreasonable for him to need sex when he returns. His schedule isn't so great either. It is also not unreasonable for you to need cuddle time. There needs to be less time making excuses and more time making a remedy. Find a babysitter. Go out for dinner, movies,dancing etc. Do something. You also need to have other interests that don't include your husband or child. You need some "you" time.
I can't understand how you are already talking divirce. If this problem is already that big it may be too late for couples therapy. What I do know for sure is you are spending too much time with another man who has nothing to lose and everything to gain by being your "friend". I wonder what his motives are. Make a choice to deal with this and talk to your husband and let him know your thoughts. If you ignore him sexually, he will resent it and not be able to give you the attention you need. It's kind of the "what came first, the chicken or the egg?"
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