A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay, here goes....... I think my husband is an alcoholic.I have been married for 12 years now, and have 2 young children. We started dating when we were 20. We both partied back then, as well as when we first were married. I stopped when I became pregnant with our first child, and since then, I don't drink.My husband drinks beer everyday. When he is with his friends and they have hard liquor, he can't say no, and he doesn't know when to stop. At parties and BBQ's I can always count on the fact that he will be drunk. It is so embarrassing. He grosses me out when he drinks. He smells. He talks un-intelligently. He stumbles and falls. I actually have come to hate the drunk person. It's hard to forget that image in my head when he is sober. It tears me apart when he is sober though.... He is such a good person inside.I'm not sure what to do. If we stay together, what am I teaching my young children? If my spouse and I show no affection, how will my kids learn what a companionship should be like? If I leave, I simply cannot trust him with any judgement around the kids. Will he drive? Will he pass out? Questions........... I couldn't live wondering these things. It has been easier to stay. What is your opinion? I have never been on my own. If I leave, the only place is my parents house. I have no money, and haven't worked in over 10 years. I don't know how I would support my family!
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female
reader, KaranMichelle  +, writes (10 October 2010):
Hi, I live in Spain with my two children, the father of my first child(13 years) is British like me and I have just left the father of my second child ( 2 years old). He is Spanish and I am in a bit of a mess right now as its all really complicated. It wasnt meant to be like this. I always had a great relationship with my first ex and still do and my second was a wonderful patient man , hardworking and man, we built our house together and everything was great. Then shortly after our son was born he lost his job. He started spending more time in the bar than job hunting. I thought passing his driving test would give him motivation and increase his opportunities of finding work, all it did was give me a headache. I found myself arguing daily about drinking and driving. I dont drink, I could drive, why was it such a problem? it made me realise though that he had a problem. As he wouldnt even admit it all my efforts to get him help failed. I made him leave and now I am alone here (all my family are in the UK) I cant work and I cant leave until I legally get permission to move our son back to the UK. I have a job to go back to and family to help with our son. I will obviously make every effort for my son to see his father in holidays and at christmas as although I will never go back to him I want him to have hope that if he gets help he could still have a healthy relationship with our son. Its sad but I dont think he will make the effort required. I just want to say that even though its really hard and you think youll never manage , you know that you are going to have to do it eventually. You know in your heart that this person will never change back. I dont know if i am going to get thru these next 6months or not i really dont. But I know that I owed it to my children to give them a life without sulkiness, moodiness, constant arguing,drunken insults. I thought because my partner didnt hit me it wasnt that bad. But then i realised how exausted i was, covering up, worrying, going to work wondering what i would come back to, good days bad days, disapp earing days making excuses, just not having to do all that is an amazing relief. I was worried that leaving my second partner would make people think i was crazy. 2 children, two fathers .....what a mess, but i shouldnt have worried what has been important is that my children can be confident that i am capable of doing whatever necessary no matter how painful or embarrasing in order to keep them safe and happy.
Keep writing as its a great comfort knowing I am not alone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): I know what you are going through. We have been together for 18 years and we two children who are 16 & 14. He is an excellent provider but his drinking has been getting worse. Lately, he has been sneaking Vodka and it is a nightly habit. Most nights he is passed out.I do ask him if he is drinking and the answer is always, "no, I have not had a drink." I know he is lying because he can not keep his balance when he is up and walking around. His social drinking is awful. He drinks to excess and does not know when to stop. He is constantly cursing--even in his sleep (which he never did before.) He claims he does not remember. Whines about going to our children's school function. I practically have to drag him out of the house to get him there. I suspect he takes drinks there, too. Finally, asked him to leave over the weekend. I will not be able to make the house payments with my paycheck. Of course, there is child support (even with that-it still would not be enough) but I don't know when that will get enforced. So it is a scary situation for me. I know I have to leave with my kids but it's the unknown that scares me. Unfortunately, I do not have parents that can help but I do have a low-paying steady job. In addition, I'm going to school part-time at a community college, taking care of my ailing 86 year old grandmother and, of course, being involved in my childrens school and their activities. He had it good---worked his 40 hours and drank until he passed out and maybe a school function here and there.
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female
reader, peppie +, writes (31 October 2009):
i believe that if you love your husband you should do all you can to help him and your family. I think you need to talk to him about the problem. Tell him how you feel he is hurting you and your family. let him know that if he doesn't get help you don't feel that you can stay with him. Let him know that you love him and will support him, but can not allow him to continue to hurt your family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): This story sounds exactly like mine. I am struggling right now trying to figure out if I should set an ultimatum or not. I think that my husband has realized that he has a problem, but is unsure of how or if he can do any thing about it. He used to drink every day and recently he has tried to cut out his drinking during the week, but is still binge drinking on weekends. I feel like a single mother even though I am not. Reading other people's stories helps, but it also makes me realize that I must take some sort of action or it will continue to progress. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): I am in the same boat. I didnt realize the extent of my problem until a few days ago, my husband "fessed up" to all of the secret drinking (that was going on along with all of the obvious drinking) (all beer) only because our daughter finally got old enough to be "scared of her daddy". I looked online and found this excellent counselor to speak with. I will share a few things that he said to me with you.an alcoholic is an alcoholic - someone who just tries not to drink for a an amount of time is called a "dry drunk".it is a disease and it does not cure itself. Alcoholics are LIARS. They are hiding MANY things in addition to the drinking. They have to become so skilled in order to continue to fool everyone. Family therapy is useless while there is an untreated alcholoic in the family. dont bother. fix the disease.i am going to leave with my babies if he doesnt get treatment. i have the same fears as you regarding "keeping your enemies/someone dangerous to your kids" closer than if i leave and he has them for periods of time.
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female
reader, BobbieJo +, writes (19 October 2009):
I am in a similar problem as you. I have been married for almost 15 years. We have had six children. When we meet I knew he drank beer, but it was social drinking on weekends. Over the years his drinking increased from weekends to drinking a six pack everyday. He gets drunk on the weekends and some of the week nights. Here gets slurred speech, stupid remarks, slobbers out of the corner of his mouth, and is just a complete turn off. I have asked him to stop drinking many times, but he won't stop. I am to the point now, that I want him out. My children cry every time I have to leave them with their dad. My oldest who is 13 asks me everyday that I shouldn't be married to him and I need to kick him out. I have no problem with dealing with the problems, but when it causes my children heartache I realize that I need to get out of this situation.
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male
reader, simojt_marjun  +, writes (9 June 2009):
Hi try this site free ebook and inspirational story about please search it in google thankgodforebook My husband was an alcoholic.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2008): Leave him your a strong person you will be ok
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): I am in the same situation. And, although I can not offer any help-, I can tell you that you are not alone. My husband was drinking so much he was mean, I had no idea it was alcohol, I thought it was me. He has now been out of the house for a year. I told him to leave and get his drinking in check and maybe we could work it out. Now he is just drinking a few beers. He never told me, but I told him I know. He doesn't think he has a problem, I know it'll get worse if I don't put my foot down. I told him a couple of days ago "I will not try in this marriage unless you stop drinking" He is not going to do it, so I am trying to get the guts up to end it. He's a great guy, great father, just an alcoholic. It hurts, but I know what I have to do. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): I would leave if I were you. I had no knowledge of alcoholism when I married my husband, later I realised all his family were alcoholics including my husband and believe me it gets worse and worse until your head is spinning and you have no will to get out. My Dad died then my husband went on a massive bender, got the family thousands in debt and lost his job. Foolishly I took him back having been married 30 years thinking he would sort himself out how disallusioned was I, he got worse. Now his head is so addled with drink he doesnt even bother about his own kids. Believe me I went to hell and back since my dad died, I have no support but this last while I feel better and am starting to see things clearer, unfortunately we are not all born with the benefit of hindsight but I got there in the end. Life's too short to waste on someone who is never going to appreciate anything but himself
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female
reader, ctrygirl +, writes (24 July 2008):
I have been 8 years to an alcoholic and trust me it never is going to get better until he quits drinking. We are currently separated from each other (other things came up including the drinking) that caused me to pack up myself and kids and move out. I have asked him to go to counseling. I have already made the first appointment he is supposed to make the 2nd but I don't know if he is going to make it or not. I also hate going out in public with him if there is going to be drinking because he embarrasses himself because of the way he acts and talks. I hate for my children to see that. It isn't teaching them anything good. Do I regret leaving - no I don't. I know that I am doing the right thing. It is hard on the kids especially the little one. He thinks if we give each other a hug and a kiss everything will be okay and we can be a family again. I have told my husband I will not come back if he continues to drink. He has basically told me to go file for a divorce. I know it will be tough to support myself and the kids on my own but I have a great support system being my family and friends. Also, he will pay child support that will help out some to. As far as leaving the kids with him and worrying what will happen I am not sure how old your kids are by my youngest knows how to dial my phone number and call me if he needs something. Instead of telling him to call me if is daddy is drunk or passed out I have told him to call me if something has happened to his daddy and he can't get him to wake up. I hope and pray that you make the best decision for you and your family!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): I am 24 years old and I grew up with an "functional" alcoholic father (meaning he was always able to provide for us financially and his drinking did not really get in the way of his daily life). My dad drinks beer everyday (I never see him drinking anything else besides beer or wine), and occasionally will get drunk. My advice to you is to seriously consider the impact your husband's drinking has on your children.
My older sister and I have many embarrassing and hurtful memories concerning my dad's drinking...it has affected both of us in negative ways and was very hard to come to terms with once we realized the extent of his alcohol problem in our late teens.
You might not even know how much your husband's drinking is affecting your children. My mom did not know that my dad got my sister drunk at a neighbor's BBQ when she was only 8 years old. My dad had no recollection of this and was completely mortified when my sister recently told him of it (he still hasn't stopped drinking though).
In my adult life I have confronted my dad about his drinking and have had little success at convincing him to change his behavior.
Just wanted to give you the perspective of someone who has grown up with an alcoholic father. I have accepted my dad's alcoholism and come to terms with it, but it has severely strained my sister's relationship with him. Just something for you to consider.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): I am a 53 year old woman. From my experience I would leave him now. There is never an answer from the alcoholic except that for some reason it is your fault. Leave him and start fresh. Learn to know yourself and never accept what you don't believe in, in the future. Do not think that you cna't make it without him. Any life wihtout that dread is better.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): i have the same problem. i want to leave him as i have lost all respect for him and dont trust him anymore.
i will give him 5 months with councelling,..if things do not change ,..i will leave.
i too have 2 small children and worry about his weekend access with them but i am at the point now where my sanity,..and in the end my childrens is most imporant.
i will not stand by him any longer after my 5 month period and support his so-called 'disease'.
strength to you too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): i have the same problem. i want to leave him as i have lost all respect for him and dont trust him anymore.
i will give him 5 months with councelling,..if things do not change ,..i will leave.
i too have 2 small children and worry about his weekend access with them but i am at the point now where my sanity,..and in the end my childrens is most imporant.
i will not stand by him any longer after my 5 month period and support his so-called 'disease'.
strength to you too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): Hey. I won't take up for him but this just happened to me. I drank alot (never slowed down after college) . I went to the Dr.a nd he put me on antabuse( I don't go to counseling) I just take one a day and I don't drink. I am not the group therepy type guy because I am an executive and it is embarassing, but I feel great and we get along good now. GoodLuck.
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male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (23 May 2008):
I'm glad that we can be of some help - your situation is certainly difficult. Besides the 12 step programs, some joint counseling/coaching would be very helpful. It seems the real problem is ANY drinking at a social event. Your husband wants to be the life of the party and is very susceptible to peer pressure. A good counselor can possibly help here - he needs to be his own man and make a decision before the party to either not go or accept no alcohol at all. This is difficult with some folks since they feel they are doing you a favor by getting you drunk. Perhaps he needs to tell these friends that he won't drink, and if you lose these "friends", it's certainly better than losing your family! If necessary, you can tell them he has a medical condition(he has) and cannot drink. Use any excuse. Regarding beer at home - several beers a night is a LOT of alcohol. One beer might be OK, but better to just cut it out and save the money. Alcohol is physically addicting and several beers a night will have already caused dependency, so he will go through withdrawal - something quite challenging for the family. Do your best here - you are saving both a life and your family. Even then, there are no guarantees. 3000mg a day of vitamin C may help reduce the craving for alcohol - it's worth a try and is safe, but won't work if he doesn't really want to quit. As I reread this, he will likely never be able to refuse a drink at a party, so you are best off begging off. This is about sober self discipline and refusing to buckle under to the demands of the party crowd. Very hard. Good luck with AA, etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies. Your support means the world!After carefully reading the replies, I needed to clarify something.Although my husband drinks beer everyday, he only has a few. His binge drinking is when we are out at a gathering, or an event that serves alcohol. His friends are HUGE influences over how much he consumes. He tries to "keep up", so to speak.I see no need to drink except possibly at an occasional adult party. However, the ability to stop lies within the person - hence the problem...... I have spoken of his drinking a long time ago with him. Obviously, he did not like it, and it created a huge uproar. I've never spoke of his beer drinking again. I did tell him that I do not like it when he drinks hard liquor though. Now, I am the nagging wife who doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything anymore........I will look up Al-Anon meetings here. I know we have many. I need help on how to approach the subject with him. I don't want him to drink. I want him to think of the future, and if he keeps drinking, he won't have one. I've known him since we were young teenagers, and he has always drank. Always.... I don't see him stopping on his own. And I don't want to settle for "only drinking beer". I know that will lead right back to where we are right now. If he wants his family, he must stop. Period.I'll update you on the progress. Thank you all again!
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female
reader, angela2  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 I found what wastelife said hold much truth. I do not think I can say anythink better than him. I am here to say something about alcoholic as I was in a relationship with one myself before. I have seen my ex experienced relapse within two years. Before I met him I even did not what what alcoholic is. He would drink for days and nights once he start the first drop. It would only get harder and harder and extremely dangerous. I help him fight against death and grab him life from the hand of death. I believe it was not because he was weak in nature,once the alcohol is inside him it has nothing to do with willpower.Like your partner he is a great person when he is sober. I agree AA will help him a lot. the key point is that if he is willing to let you take him to hospital and be detoxified and determines to give up drinking once he get though the current one. See if he become cautious after that. I never look up down the alcoholic, especially who replapse not because they deliberately pick up drinking themselves and even understand them even if I myself do not drink at all. You said your partner is a good person when he is sober. And if he knows alcohol is bad for him and tries his best to keep away from him, why not accept him for his fault.
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (22 May 2008):
 I left my 1st childs father because of his occupation of dealing drugs. It consumed him, and he constantly put me and my son in harms way. When I would try to confront him about the dangers of the occupation, I would end up abused in front on my kid. I was only 20 at the time, no money, hadnt finished high school, didnt even have a license to drive. I left him, stayed with my folks, worked, finished high school, got some college under my belt, and finally got my drivers license. All with ZERO help from my son's father, and no government help. My point is, it seems really scarey to have to leave the nest, I know, but when it comes to your kids, it's better than putting them in harms way, and if he drinks like that and gets behind the wheel, he is dancing with danger. It seems like you know this already. Dont be afraid of the outside. It's empowering, and you'll get a strong sence of independence like never before, which will benefit you in more ways than just your children. You'll end up asking yourself, "why didnt I do this LONG ago?" Good luck mama!
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Have you talked to your husband about your concerns? If you havent, then this is a good place to start. Tell him that you care about him and are concerned about him. He needs to learn how to regulate himself, that is, have a few drinks on special occasions without getting wasted. In my opinion, this is okay once in a while. But if he is getting wasted every time he drinks, then he probably shouldnt drink at all.
If you have already talked to him about this and nothing has worked, then you must be serious and take action. Give him the ultimatum- me and the kids OR alcohol. That is the hardest thing in the world and I'm sure he is a good person but if he is going downhill then you have no other choice. You can not support his habit (buy him beer, not say anything about it) and you can not allow your children to grow up in a home where it is okay to get drunk to an oblivian.
I would definately try to work things out with him-talking to him, trying to get some help for him, or a seperation until he has kicked alcohol to the curb.
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reader, WastedLife +, writes (22 May 2008):
OK - you have a hard problem, but there are lots of things you can do. The first thing is call Alcoholics Anonymous and talk to someone - preferably someone that has been through the mill. See if there is an ACOA(Adult Children of Alcoholics) or similar - there may be a special group for spouses of Alcoholics. Talk to them and join their group for advice and friendship. Then talk to your husband when he is sober. Be prepared for a very serious talk.
I think most folks are best off doing their best to save a relationship - especially since you are financially dependent and you have young kids. Most Americans don't work hard enough saving the relationship they have, though some simply can't be saved. Find a GOOD relationship counselor you can afford if possible. Again, ask at AA and ACOA, etc. If you two must split, try to stay together until you can make a graceful exit.
If he is willing to stop drinking, get him to join AA immediately. It's not the only answer, but it's free and he will find folks that have been where he is now. He can't fake them out - they know it all. They will be there for him in a way that even you can't. Let him know that if he does not get a handle on his drinking, you will be leaving and he will have to deal with all the awful stuff - courts, child support, custody, visitation, etc., and that you really want to make things work, but the drinking is unacceptable and non-negotiable.
This is a time for you to be calm and strong. Spend time by yourself and meditate - find your inner strength. It is there. Just find it and hold on to it. Do this before you talk to him.
Make an inventory of all your skills and write a resume. Then show it to someone you trust to tune it into a better resume. Go around this one a few times, and consider taking a course or two if necessary to help you get a better job. Regardless of whether or not you two stay together, you are best off being able to support your family if anything should happen to him. It's just common sense.
Talk to the folks at the support groups and listen, but with compassion, not pity for your husband. Be as kind as possible consistent with him becoming sober and responsible, or elsewhere and responsible. Always leave the door open for him to see the kids as long as he is sober.
That's all for now - you have a lot of work to do. Good luck.
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female
reader, babymamma626 +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Personally you are a woman and women are indeed very strong beings! Stay at your parents until you may get on your feet again...or you could use this as a way to get your husbands attention! Have you tried talking to your husband about your feelings? Communication is the most important key in a relationship. If you can't talk to one another then there will always be problems. You have to have strength for the sake of your children. Don't worry about support right now because money will always come. Remember in America single mothers are always favored for some reason. You can get wellfare and other help. Help is always available! Think of your children because i have no doubt in my mind that you aren't already! Taking the plunge or that first step is always hard but something must be done!
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