A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Would anyone else think anything of this? Or am I just being paranoid?My husband of 6 years has recently started a new job. He's been there about 2 months now. He works in a team of 7 others, one Man and six women. For the past 3 weeks he has talked constantly about one woman in particular to the point that it's driving me mad but I don't want to mention it as I don't want to sound either paranoid or uninterested in how his works going. He doesn't talk about any of the others in his team unless it's in the context of 'we hit our target this week so the whole team got rewarded' but never mentions individuals.We'll call this woman Kayleigh. It started off by him saying he sits opposite her, then he described her in perfect detail, how she wears her hair, what colour lipstick she had on etc but didn't so much as mention the names of anyone else. A few days later when he got home I asked how work was and he said it was boring today as Kayleigh had the day off so I had no one to joke around with. Then it progressed on to him mentioning her name whenever any topic of conversation came up.. We had some friends round and the topic of conversation was their holiday to Cuba, he went off on a tangent about how they should go to the Dominican Republic instead as Kayleigh's been to both and she said the dom rep was much better!!! It's got ridiculous to the point that even one of our friends picked him up on it saying 'I think someone's got a work crush!!' To which my husband just laughed it off and said don't be silly, she's a big girl! (Not that he's shallow or anything!) Last night I made a point of counting how many times he mentioned her name... 32 from 6pm to 10pm!! He's never cheated before as far as I'm aware, and he is the type of person who gets along with everyone but it's making me feel uncomfortable. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): "he is the type of person who gets along with everyone" is EXACTLY how I would've described my cheating ex. Men who get along with everyone are not necessarily the great guys they appear to others to be. They can neglect the people that are supposed to be dearest to them because they crave social attention from others and, worse, they can very often lack a healthy sense of boundaries. My ex was a total narcissist who was compelled to get attention from others, including, finally, a woman that he had an affair with at work. Looking back I was so naive - he wouldn't let me meet her, he made up all kinds of excuses to spend time with her. I knew nothing about it until it ended between them and, out of spite, she sent me a VERY detailed and heartbreaking email stating everything that he had done with her. The worst parts of all were the very special little gestures between he and I that I had always held dear and believed only to be between us - he simply repeated all of them with this woman and that broke my heart more than the sex or anything else. He was highly defensive and neglectful of me during the time they were together. Did she lure him into it? You bet your life she did - through fun and laughter and work-mate camaraderie AND by opening her heart to him about her recent divorce from her husband.I'm really sorry but it is highly likely that far more is going on than you are allowing yourself to think. I get the feeling that, like I did, you are giving your man the benefit of the doubt when he is taking the p***. She will be stroking his ego not because you are failing as a wife but because he is weak and prone to attention from others.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): So Very Confused has some good points. Ask to have her over for dinner and she how your husband reacts. As much as I would "hate" to have this woman in my home wandering about knowing my lifestyle and seeing my things or children, I would at least try this to see what your husband's response would be.I still advocate not being home for dinner sometime when your husband gets off work and just go off and enjoy a dinner by yourself, with cash, so he can't track it and pretend that you met up with a friend and say nothing further. Make yourself look as sexy as possible. Would serve him right.There is something going on here and the fact that he took her out to dinner as a treat and hasn't with you for a long time is over the top in my estimation. I would be fuming. Temper it for now, but invite her over and I would be hiring a detective too.Hell, I don't think I would do the dishes, make the beds, do the wash or clean the house anymore after the stunt he pulled. He can do that all himself. What a jerk.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 March 2014):
 OP your follow up is very disconcerting and worrisome to be honest. I think the time has come to worry. He got home and didn’t want to be with you and talk about it.. he just went right to bed… HE TOOK HER ON A DATE…. (he treated right?)
HE SNAPPED at you… defensive behavior is a bad sign. It probably means either he is hiding something and/or he has some guilt. It may be guilt over the feelings he has and nothing more but it’s still worrisome.
IF he continues to refuse to talk about it, you have some hard decisions to make.
FOR me, I embrace the “hold your friends close and your enemies closer” attitude here.
I would go the passive aggressive route with this one right now… just to see how HE reacts.
“honey I’m sorry your friend is hurting so badly why don’t we have her over for dinner this weekend so she’s not lonely?”
INVITE her into your HOME with your HUSBAND and make her your “bestie”. IF he refuses to let you become friends with her, then it’s clear SHE is more important than you at this point to him and I’d force that hand.
If he says "no I don't want you and her together" or anything that indicates he does not want you to be friendly with her or have access to her, then I would make him choose... either he only deals with her AT work or he moves out.... cause I smell an affair (emotional if nothing else) brewing.
I'm sorry.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 March 2014):
 He "snapped" at you? For her? That is *not* cool. And the other aunts have put forth a good point...why is your husband the one to console her? Why not anyone else? And why does the consoling have to be over dinner and drinks?
The other point that jumps straight out from your follow-up is that he said he would be out with her "however long it takes to make her feel better"! I read that and I was thinking...what the hell!! Why does HE need to make her feel better and why is he giving her all this time and attention?
There are ground rules in every relationship and there are things which you do out of respect for your partner. Your husband has certainly crossed the line. How would he feel if it were YOU doing this for another man? I think you need to talk to him and he better listen to you because so far, he's been anything but respectful of your feelings.
Her break-up = HER problem.
As a colleague, he can sympathize but taking her out for dinner and drinks for "however long it takes to make her feel better" and then snapping at you for asking him about it is REALLY stepping the line.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): I would quite simply hire a detective. I know you may think I'm over-reacting and I know it might seem early days but his reaction to you when he came home after being with her is VERY familiar to me. He is trying to make it all 'above board' by telling you what he is doing but in fact he WON'T be telling you all that he is doing. He will be blurring boundaries with her BIG TIME and then making his bed easier to lie in by going home to you 'knowing' that he had told you the 'truth' when in fact he has not at all.Some men convince themselves, even after sex with another woman, that 'nothing happened'. The power of denial can be so strong that it's like the psyche splits in two and the other respondent is right, for the rest of his life he may walk around denying to himself that anything happened. Some people are weak in this sense.If you're married then tread carefully. Your husband is either already physically involved with this woman - kissing etc - or will be soon. I don't believe she actually had a relationship. Some women make this up to try to get sympathy from a man. Seriously, hire a private detective and don't let on that you are on to him. You could be looking at a divorce case and you need to prove that he has screwed up. If he is denying or in denial about what he is doing, then he will do EVERYTHING he can to cover up the affair as it progresses. And if it doesn't progress this time then it will happen another time. The woman has found a weakness of his, one that you were not aware of, and tapped into it. It won't be that complicated - it will somehow be that she makes him feel bigger, better, stronger, younger, less complicated. That's how it works.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): Well he got in from work about an hour ago, didn't have much to say and then went to bed. From what I can gather it was just the two of them and he in his words 'treated her to dinner'. I can't remember the last time he treated me to a chocolate bar let alone a whole dinner!!!
They're now friends on Facebook and I have had a quick snoop at her. She is a very large woman but she is very attractive. It has no obvious signs at all that she's been in a relationship recently and there seems to be plenty of female friends writing to her on there.
I asked him if she had any female friends she could talk to and he snapped back 'she wanted to speak to me, ok?' So that was that. I smell a rat.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2014):
ya know it's a good point... why aren't her gf's consoling her?
I know if i broke up with my guy it is not my buddy from work I want to be with...
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 March 2014):
 I would be really uncomfortable with this situation. I'm curious why they split all of a sudden, and why your husband is the one who is taking her out for drinks.
Maybe I'm more suspicious than others, but that doesn't sound right to me. They start to get close and then all of a sudden her boyfriend and her break up? Maybe he got tired of the shit also. Or maybe she dumped him because she was developing feelings for your husband? And now he's the one to swoop in and comfort her? I would not be happy with this. Certainly she has girl friends who she can talk to?
Anyway, I don't blame you at all. I suggest a conversation and putting your foot down. This doesn't sound innocent to me and the fact that he's talking about her CONSTANTLY is a sign she's always on his mind. The last time I talked about someone constantly like that was when I was getting to know my now partner. When you like someone, you naturally want to talk about them and that's also because you're thinking about them a lot.
Seeing as how you're married, he should be willing to come to some sort of agreement with you about this situation. He should be willing to compromise that he won't go out with her alone or that he will bring her to the house for drinks next time, etc. Your feelings should come first. well before hers. If he's unwilling after you talk, I'd be really concerned.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): I would drop in on him at work and surprise him by telling him you are taking him out to lunch and take a good look see yourself at this woman. Make your presence known to this woman and to the other employees as well.But, I understand. I've had to listen to my husband gush about a female co-worker all the time. Jealousy was rearing it's ugly head and I hated myself because jealousy eats you alive. I had to let that feeling go. If he were to cheat I would be gone in an instant. I don't need that at this stage of my life.I'm not in total agreement that your husband should be taking this co-worker out to a bar, without you, for a drink, that it is only the two of them. Doesn't she have any girlfriends she can cry on their shoulders. I never met up with a male employee for a drink after work, by myself, in a group yes, but never alone. I didn't want to put myself in that position and it wouldn't look good for my employment and to the other employees.I guess I wouldn't be there when he got back from the bar. Get totally dolled up and wear some sexy clothes and come back later, after him, saying you had to meet a friend for dinner since he was so busy himself. I have the moxie to do that and I would. That should send him a message, if he really cares about your marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): So where are this woman's usual close friends outside of work? I don't understand, I'd be slightly narked off too. They haven't known each other what, 2 months if that, and he is her choice of support in a time of "crisis"? Are they on their own together?
I smell a rat, sorry, I don't want to make you feel worse but I would be very suspicious. The LAST person I would turn to if I had just split up from my partner would be a man who sits opposite me at work. Nope, it would be a really close friend. I would seriously keep an eye on this.
Do you know where they went tonight?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2014):
HE called. She's in crisis and as a friend he's helping...
I agree with honeypie however, not today but soon have her to your home or meet her for dinner somewhere and make her your friend too..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 March 2014):
 I would suggest (not today though) but that you actually get to met her, I'm willing to be you will feel a WHOLE lot less threatened if you met her in person.
And I think he is trying to be a good friend, not hurt your feelings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): Ok well he's just called me from work to tell me she's split up with her boyfriend today and is very upset about it so he's taking her for a drink after work. Asked what sort of time he'll be back and he said he doesn't know, however long it takes to make her feel better...
Not happy with this at all!!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2014):
He's got a work crush... BTDT... both my work crushes and my spouses...the fact that he talks about her all the time to you is annoying but it means he's processing it to include her properly in your lives... he's NOT hiding it.
I would easily acknowledge his work crush...my husband had one and I teased him about it... and it was only THEN that he realized it.
If you have not talked to your DH about it, he may NOT even realize he has a work crush (they are so common it's funny) and this is how he is processing it... not on purpose to upset you... but not quite understanding it himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): My ex of way back had a crush on someone at college. He was in his forties and was forced to attend a computer course due to long-term unemployment. Within the first few weeks he was changing how he dressed, asking me which sneakers looked better with which jeans, using cologne, checking his breath and refusing to chop garlic as he normally would for dinner. Then he started taking longer to come home sometimes. He made references to how people would flirt with each other on cigarette breaks and how may women had joined the course in the room next doorOther signs started like criticising my body and anything random about me, out of nowhere and totally unrelated to any conversation we were having. Then one drunken night he mentioned that someone at college liked him and she had come up to him during the cigarette break, but that I shouldn't worry, as she was ugly. I recall slapping his face. In hindsight I realise this was a cover up, as he had slipped up/was also trying to make me jealous by saying she was not attractive.I had the gut instinct he was cheating or planning to already. Then hotel matches fell out of his pocket. A hotel close to college. He had been 2 hours late home. Then I found an hotel key in his jacket after he had disappeared for over 3 hours. To this day he denies he cheated. And if I randomly called him he still would deny it.Trust your gut.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 March 2014):
That does sound like a work- crush - however a work crush is more like a "bromance" (even if the other party is the opposite gender) then an actual crush.
I would tell him, you know you mention Kayleigh a lot and it makes me uncomfortable because you really are singling her out for your attention. I trust you, so it's not that I assume you will cheat on mye, but it just seems a little over the top. See what he says.
I get that he is excited because he has a new colleague who is fun and friendly. Maybe just go "that's nice dear" every time he tells stories about her.
That fact that he "used" her size as a defense mechanism I find a little odd. Because he may not be aware of his constant chatting about her, yet he tried to deflect it by basically calling her fat.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (20 March 2014):
 I do not recommend confronting him as he will say they just talk and there is nothing more other than the fact that he will say your are being paranoid and don't trust him.
He will also stop talking about her and you will then be non the wiser. You heard the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer.
Just casually mention that you would like to arrange a diner and he is welcome to invite work friends and their partner. This is the first step in seeing how they interact and if there is any chemistry.
Your husband may or may not have a crush on her and does not mean she feels the say way. Also understand he works say 8 hours and see her and they chat. Does not mean let your guard down neither should you confront him until you have proof. You also don't want to push him into another woman's arms.
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A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (20 March 2014):
 Oh, I am so very sorry. That is just awful! He has zero discretion and that has to be both hurtful and humiliating. I recommend you confront him once more when you are calm and collected and prepared for a bit of unpleasantness. Let him know that this person you've not even met with whom he works is making you feel like a third wheel in your own marriage and tell him it must stop. If you can't resolve it, I would say it's time to let this one go! There is simply no excuse for that! Best wishes to you. I hope it works out as well as possible for you.
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