A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Need your perspective to work out if I an being unreasonable or not... found oout my fiance has been lying about people coming over to our house whilst I am out at work and am really annoyed at him for omitting to tell me, and lying about his day. He has one weekday off per week to stay home with our baby while I am at work, and I stay home the other weekdays and work weekends. We live in a house that I bought myself after years of working hard to save the money. He moved in after we'd been dating for 1.5 yrs at his request. He asked me to marry him shortly after that and we had a baby a year later. We both work. He has some debts so I pay around 70% of the household expenses but he contributes what he can. When he moved in, we rearranged furniture, painted, etc to make it our home rather than my house. Most rooms are now how he wants them, to be honest, abd and at times I feel I have no space of my own. My home has always been my sanctuary where ever I have lived. When people visit, I always check with my fiance first as it's his sanctuary from the world too. I explained my feelings to him clearly when he moved in and asked if he would let me know if he was having visitors round so tgat I could clean up\put personal items away etc. Anyway, I found out from a friend that his best friend has been round a few times when my fiance has been taking care of our baby. He didn't tell me at the time. When I asked him about it, he lied, then backed down when my friend told him she had told me. I wasn't happy as his best friend had bought beer round to drink! ! I said this was inappropriate and again asked him to let me know when visitors were coming. He agreed. But I found out today his parents have been over several times and he has had them babysitting our baby in the house whilst he does the gardening! Plus they had their dog in the house and I am allergic to dog hair and have asked for the dog to stay in the shed or garden when they visit. I found out because his sister text me a pic of our baby next to the dog in our living room. He hadn't mentioned any of their visits to me and had lied about his day each time. So after his sister text me I asked him 'oh did your parents come over today? ' He said no! I said 'are you sure, because I don't like being lied to' then he said yes, they came over.So now I am feeling cross! Not because people visited, but because he didn't have the courtesy to let me know ans because he lied several times. I asked him why did he lie and he said he just forgot to tell me, which I don't believe-he even admits it's a lame excuse. Am I being unreasonable? I want to know who is in my home and who is around my baby! I now feel unhappy about leaving my baby home with him when I next go to work. How do I approach this? How do I make myself get over it? Feeling very angry with him!! Don't want to marry someone i can't trust:(Thanks.
View related questions:
at work, best friend, debt, fiance, money, moved in, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 March 2014):
 Bottom line, yes you are being unreasonable.
I understand your feelings to some extent. I have lived in and owned my home for 24 years. When my now husband opted to give up his apartment and move 2 hours to be with me, it became OUR HOME. As such MANY changes were made including getting rid of almost all the furniture I had as well as paring down many things HE felt were unnecessary. It was a very stressful time for me. Even now nearly 3 years into his moving in with me, having added him to the deed (and the mortgage), and having him invest 50k in renovations of our home, when we fight he still says “It’s YOUR house” He owns it as much as I do and he’s as invested in it as I am and yet he does NOT feel at home. We plan to move to help this feeling for him. He can’t get past it. I know this is his issue but much like your mindset is hurting you, his is hurting us.
You are splitting the child care. I assume you are also splitting the care of the home together.
“we live in a house that I bought myself” ok that’s the first thing it’s YOUR house in your mind and he’s just a guest in YOUR HOUSE. But that’s not true. He’s your partner and your fiancé and the father of your baby. And yet you still somewhere have that “he’s a GUEST in MY HOME” mindset.
“he moved in… at his request” IF you had had your druthers… what would you have done instead? Would you have sold YOUR HOUSE? Would you have rented it out and moved in with him or gotten a new place together? Was moving into the home you owned prior to knowing him the best option? What other options were available to you guys? Or did you just not really want to live with him and yet felt no way of saying no?
“Most rooms are now how he wants them to be honest” Yeah me too… dontcha hate it? At least I had input on colors and other things… and I got to rebuild the bathroom to make me happy… I figure it’s the least I can do to make a man who gave up his home and moved into a house I owned without him more comfortable.
I wonder if part of your “I have no space of my own” issue is that you just don’t have TIME alone any more… after all you went from living alone to living with a man to having a baby and a quasi husband to deal with. I know for me that when I need “down time” from my DH if he’s in the bedroom I’m in the living room and vice versa. Since both rooms are comfy for me I have no qualms about that. We also took a spare bedroom and turned it into “SVC’s dressing room” I have a tv in there, most of my clothes, a couple of chairs, my makeup and dressing table… I exercise in there as well. I also took over the spare bathroom for doing my hair. You may not have these options but maybe you can eek out some space that is just yours.
Having a friend over to visit when taking care of your child IN YOUR OWN HOME seems reasonable to me. I can see being concerned that the baby was not being cared for properly if the beer was in unreasonable amounts. But let’s say it was nap time and friend dropped by and they had a beer while baby was napping… no biggie IMO. Or did the friend come over and bring a case and they plunked hungry crying wet and dirty baby in the crib and ignored the child while they drank a case of beer? Two wildly different visits that would elicit wildly different responses from me.
Do you NEVER have friends or family over to visit? Why can’t he?
Do you think he lied because he knows you don’t consider it his home too?
Is it possible he would have let you know his friend was coming but he does not consider his parents (the GRANDPARENTS of this CHILD of yours) to be visitors since they are FAMILY. Some folks think like that. I know I would and yet my husband would feel like you.. he would want to know in advance of ANY guests we would be having if he was home or not.
Having the dog in the house was wrong but it sounds to me like he’s being passive aggressive because you have emasculated him and have him on lock down in a home that you don’t’ consider his.
“I now feel unhappy about leaving my baby home with him when I next go to work.” I’m sorry IT’S HIS BABY TOO. IT’S HIS HOME TOO.
The only concern to me is the lies but I’m sure he did it because you are not treating it like HIS HOME and not treating him like the male head of household. You make it sound like:
My home
My baby
My rules.
Which is it?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): Yeah I think you're being unreasonable too, OP. Lying of course is unacceptable but you're treating him like a teenager who needs your permission to have friends over and my feeling is the reason he lies about it is because you'll make a big song and dance about it if he tells you.
You'll find something wrong, or give him orders or realise you left one dirty mug in the sink and freak out and give him a list of things he needs to do to prepare or a list of demands that he must satisfy etc.
OP it sounds to me like you're very strict and paranoid, and to be honest you sound like a person not fond of living with other people or having guests. You've taken this sanctuary thing a little too far. I mean your house probably isn't a mess and I doubt your boyfriend would just leave dirty panties on the bathroom floor when there's visitors around so the idea of putting personal items away and doing a major clean up before people call over is a bit too strict and frankly a tad strange given that this is best friend and family members who are not going to judge you on what you left lying around or whether there's some dirty dishes in the sink.
There has to be give and take here, OP. Your house is still your sanctuary but you're making it inhospitable too. You need to find a better balance between sanctuary and a place where you can have people over and be relaxed too. You make it sound like people are invading your space and you're going to make it a place where your kid may grow up feeling they can't have friends over ever because you make it so painful for them to do so.
OP if you want a sanctuary pick a room and make it off limits to others, your bedroom or a study. Or convert one of the down stairs rooms into a second living room where only you and your boyfriend go etc. If it's that important that you have a space to escape from it all then have one room in the house that's just for you. It works for me. I'm in mine right now, our game room, command centre with our PCs, flat screen TV, mini fridge, etc. It's where me and my wife spend most of our time playing games when we want to wind down.
Our living room then is where receive guests and it's set up that way too, there are no personal items there that I'd feel uncomfortable with people seeing. During times when my wife has her friends around drinking wine, watching soppy movies and talking about relationships and crap, I have my game room to retire to and I'm left undisturbed. The same works the other way around too.
OP part of living with someone is accepting their family and friends and allowing them to have people over be welcoming. You need a public space in your house that is open to visitors, but that doesn't mean the whole house has to be, so make a room that's your escape where no one but you and he may enter and keep all your personal items you don't want others seeing in there.
Because at the moment you're making your entire house a place where your boyfriend and you child will feel very uncomfortable bringing people there. I mean it sounds as if it's so bad, OP, he only invites people around when you're not there too, which to me is insane.
OP you can't make yourself not need a bit of den to retreat to, I know I could not live like that either. I've always been a pretty private person who needs a bat cave to disappear to, my wife is similar but she also needs to live in a place where she feels she can have people over and be welcoming and inviting. I honestly can't imagine living with a person who makes our place so inhospitable that I'd have to lie about brining people over.
A side note on the dog, depending on its breed it may be hypo-allergenic.
OP I understand your sanctuary thing, but you've taken it too far and you need to be more relaxed about people calling over or he'll constantly feel the need to lie to you about it. designate a room just for you, fill it with your things, put a TV in there or something and make it a place where you can get away from it all because once you live with someone it's unreasonable to expect the entire house to be that way.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 March 2014):
 I think he felt compelled to lie because he's afraid of telling you the truth. He's allowed to have friends over and have his family over. After all, the house is supposed to be both if yours now, not just yours. I get that it technically belongs to you, but are you going to use that as leverage to hold over his head for as long as you live there? Even after you get married?
It sounds like he's afraid of you being unreasonable or getting angry with him for petty things like having friends or family over. And truthfully, if you don't trust his judgment on who to let around your baby, maybe you had a child with the wrong man. He's the father of your child, not the babysitter. Put some faith in him to make good decisions.
I know if I were him, I might be feeling a bit smothered and controlled. I would feel like my partner was basically dominating everything I did. And I'd be afraid to be honest about my plans because I would know I'd get a lecture.
As I said, I get that it's your home. But you're engaged. It's not going to be just "your home" forever. If you ask me, it's both of your homes right now, at the moment. So give him some leeway.
His lying is inexcusable. Don't get me wrong. I just get the feeling that's why he's feeling the need to lie.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 March 2014):
 Yeah, I agree with Honeypie. It's as much his house as it is yours. You're not his mom. His parents should be able to pop by if he's home and you're at work! And his sister too! If you're going to marry them, are you not going to be their family?
You're still treating him as a guest in YOUR house. It's his residence now, though. No, he doesn't have equity in it until you marry, but think of it as you've taken in a tenant. Would a landlord make a tenant ask permission anytime he wants to entertain guests? Nope.
I would have an issue if he had strangers over, but they're not strangers. The only issue I would take is his best friend bringing beer while he's watching a baby. THAT is really irresponsible. Drinking and babies/toddlers do not mix at all.
There's more than the guest thing though. You're resenting paying most of the bills. Well, you have some choices here. You can't make arrangements to accommodate him, and then play martyr when you start resenting it. Have a talk with him and re-arrange things to get more financial support from him. You should have married before having a kid or moving in, and now he's getting the soft end of this bargain.
Since you're not married, you can always break up and tell him to move out. You are not trapped.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 March 2014):
 I do think you are being unreasonable, you "claim" you wanted the house to feel like his home too, yet he has to ASK permission and give you notice for his PARENTS to pop around and spend time with the grandchild? Seriously?
You CHOSE to change the decor to make him feel at home, yet you say it in a passive aggressive manner (I quote you)
**** Most rooms are now how he wants them, to be honest, abd and at times I feel I have no space of my own.***
I think you went a LITTLE overboard in trying to make him feel at home in YOUR house and you resent that. THAT was your choice, correct? So a good fix? THEN MAKE some space for you.
Having a friend over with beers while he is supposed to watch the baby, now THAT would be a no- go for me. I agree with that, but you seem to resent that the guy was there more then them "baby-sitting" whilst having beers. And I WOULD address this beer thing. If he wants to have a beer with mates then YOUR, your parent, his parents or a babysitter is needed. Though 1 beer with lunch doesn't make him or his friends a lush. So unless they went through a LOT of beer I again, don't quite see the problem. A friend stopped by.
I think you resent him not pulling his weight. You take care of 70% of the costs? Why? Does he take care of the chores then?
I agree with you that he needs to stop lying, but you also need to stop treating him like he is a 5 year old, who needs permission to have people over. He lies because he knows you will blow up if he tells you yes my parents stopped by. He acts like the 5 year old boy you treat him as.
I would tell his parents that as much as you love the coming over that you are allergic to dog-hair and would rather they either don't bring the dog or leave it in the garden (who the hay puts a dog in the shed? seriously!). That way hopefully THEY will respect that part of it.
As for wanting to clean your house before visitors.... Well, I get that and I would talk to your BF about that. He should be QUITE capable of cleaning/picking up a little before people stop by.
As for personal items? Like what? If you have things in your bed room you don't want people to see/touch tell your BF, when guests are over the bed room should be off limits.
Sit him down and tell him lying in unacceptable. And then find some ground rules you can both agree too. NOT just YOUR rules.
If him having people over and lying about it (which yea, lying is bad) is making you doubt marrying him, I think you shouldn't marry him.
...............................
|
