A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I'm worried about a cheating significant other, too. I have trust issues in general, but the thing is my current girl (fiance, actually) who I have been with for two years now almost has this close male friend. They've been friends since high school and are still best friends. They dated briefly right out of high school and then lived together for a long time, supposedly, platonically. Apparently when they both were no longer in relationships and the guy had been cheated on, my fiance and her friend started sleeping together. It ended, according to her, a long time ago because it just didn't work and isn't what they needed/wanted. So, I find it hard to imagine just instantly not having that sexual attraction that you once had for someone, but I'm a guy so maybe that's why. Anyway, I'm always uncomfortable when they go do stuff together, even though she hasn't really given me any reason to feel this way...it's just my jealousy, right? My insecurity. I don't hang out with any of the women I've been with, but I know people who have. Anyway, things were awesome sexually when we first went out and now our sex life has slowed down drastically. It has been pretty slow for the last year and we've talked and talked about it. She claims that she has hormonal issues, that she doesn't like her own body, and that she is bad at initiating sex. We do it like once or twice a month...to be honest. I have a crazy sex drive and think about sex all the time. Anyway, like I said we've talked about it and I want to get that sex thing worked out before we get married. So, to make a long story short she goes over to her friend's house which is about an hour drive away when she should be packing for a trip we're supposed to go on. She says it's because we need a tent (which we did) and that he's the only one she could get ahold of who had one. Fine. It irked me that she had to go because, even to this day, the relationship they have rubs me the wrong way (though it's supposedly platonic). So, she drives the hour there...spends two hours at his house because he wanted to "hang out" and then drives the hour back and when she gets home says she wants to take a shower because she doesn't think she'll have time in the morning before our trip. I thought that strange. So, I was taking a load of laundry to the wash and noticed her jeans were drenched in the crotch area. I sniffed them and it smelled like she does when she gets wet during sex. I felt the panties and they were sticky, also like she feels during sex. There was a slight whitish stain on the panties as well. I had never seen anything like this but it rang an alarm in my head and I confronted her. I told her all of the things that bothered me and that I didn't know if she was cheating or not. I told her I didn't know what to think. She directed me to a website that said that women prior to their period can sometimes get vaginal responses that would explain away all that I found in her clothing. She also said that, though I hadn't mentioned it, she wanted to cut me off at the pass before I started the ball rolling and explain her clothing smelled like his cologne tonight because she was helping him with laundry and that a mutual friend calling her on her cellphone did not get answered when she was out there because a movie she and her friend watched was really loud. I mean, all of this is plausible and she was cheated on by her previous fiance...and trust issues are a HUGE thing for her...so I guess I want to know what to think. I've looked at lists for "signs of a cheating spouse" and aside from that encounter and the lack of a regular sex life, there are none that I'm aware of matching. Help me out and tell me what you think!
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best friend, cheated on me, fiance, jealous, period, sex drive, sex life, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, fluctuation +, writes (9 August 2014):
Sometimes the best way to find out what is going on is not to say anything at all and just observe. I was married for 14 years and after year 1 our sex life totally diminished. We went to counselling and the counseller blamed it on me saying I had more experience than my wife and she was intimidated. You monitor things and be patient, if something is truly wrong it will surface because people always slip up when they are doing wrong. However, you cannot wory yourself to the point of obsession. Stay confident and active. Perhaps even acquire hobbies and interests of your own. Continue to be nice to her, spontaneus, humorous, and transparent and she may become even closer to you. Good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): Sorry to say it......She's without a doubt cheating on you! Wake up...the evidence is right in front of your nose, and she's playing you for a fool with her excuses. If she's cheating now before you get married, what do you think she will do after? Dump her NOW!
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A
female
reader, charlie1  +, writes (30 July 2007):
Hi I do feel for you because I'm currently very worried my partner is cheating on me. I know how it eats you up! I have 2 bits of advice. If you're having this trouble before marriage imagine how you'll feel when you're married, it could feel a lot worse, because marriage wont solve anything.Why not say to her that you want to put marriage on hold and ask her to stop seeing this old boy friend, if she refuses you will know that they have more than a great friendship! She should respect your wishes and if she truly loves you do as you ask. The issue around the wet underwear is tricky. As a woman I didn't get soaking wet before my period you tend to get dryish blood smears. But if she'd just driven for an hour it could have been sweat. Hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): I think she is from what you said about her pants and panties. And she's not having sex with you, and that is usually a sign of a woman being interested in another man. I am sorry to say, maybe you need to do some detective work and follow her over to his place some time. I wouldn't let this go on. You have the right to know.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (30 July 2007):
 I think she's cheating and she's covering her tracks pretty damn well. But let's just say, everything is a big coincidence and it's exactly as she has described. If she weren't such good friends with a guy she used to have sex with, you probably wouldn't be assuming the worst. So here's an easy fix: She needs to find some female friends to hang out with, and stop hanging out with this one guy. If it isn't setting well in your relationship it needs to go. You will continue to wonder about their relationship as long as she insists on spending time with him (come on it doesn't take 2 hours to pick up a tent, that was a good excuse for a quick roll in the hay before your trip). If there's nothing going on, and she values your relationship, then she won't have an issue about ending it with this guy. What's more important, her future with you, or her friendship with a past boyfriend. It's a small sacrifice that would give you, a great deal of peace-of-mind. Some things have to go when they are causing this much conflict. But if you want my honest opinion, there's more going on between them, than just friendship. It's not your imagination.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 July 2007):
 Maybe she is not cheating on you, though she does show a strong bond to that friend. That, however, would not be my major concern. I would be concerned about the sex. I know people have different needs, but, I think twice a month is too infrequent. Is it a problem with her sex drive, or is it a problem with you? If it's a problem with her sex drive, and she sees it's a concern for you, her fiancé, should she deal with this, too? I guess she should. Her saying she's not in the mood is insufficient here. But, the reason BEHIND the sex is what you need to deal with. You're so right in wanting to get this solved now, since you intend to marry her.
I hope this helps. You know, doubt is killing you. You should remove the doubts now. It's always best.
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A
male
reader, Zim +, writes (30 July 2007):
 In summary, I don't think she is cheating on you. I used to have trust issues in my relationships and to be honest the thoughts take up so much of the relationship that you can't think of anything else. You can't relax with your significant other and you just don't enjoy things as much as you used to.
The relationship your fiance and her male friend have is, an unusual friendship but I believe it is just that. As you have said, she has been cheated on in the past so has trust issues herself. She is therefore MUCH less likely to cheat on you than if she had not been cheated on. However, I can understand your insecurity. Since you don't hang out with women usually, you almost feel that you should be the only guy she should hang out with. Understandable feelings but that is the beginnings of possessiveness. Again, something I have experienced first hand.
When you took her washing to the laundry and discovered those "signs" I originally thought it a little strange. But, if she was cheating on you don't you think she would have hidden something like that? Her explanation was prompt and she seemed to know that you would worry about it. You've asked her about it and told your fears. She never said she was doing anything out of the ordinary and, combined with the fact that she has been cheated on in the past, I think it very unlikely she has cheated on you.
With regard to your sex life, this is an issue i'm afraid I do not have much experience in. However, considerate talk is needed in such a situation. There can be any number of reasons why your sex life is low. For instance, it could very easily be hormones. A lack of Oestrogen in the female can lower interest in sex but can also make sex itself less pleasurable and sometimes even painful.
What you must remember is that sex is not the be and end all of a relationship. Certainly I can imagine it helps, but you are wanting to marry this person because you love them, not because of their performance during sex. So, my advice is to enjoy life with her as it is. Don't put so much pressure on her to have sex. I hope that answers your question.
ZIM
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