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male
age
36-40,
*ellocuore
writes: Should I stay with her? or am I just hurting my self by missing out? I'm 22 and my gf and I have been together for almost 5 years! She's absolutely great: she's very good to me, we love all the same things, and we get a long with no problems. I absolutely love spending time with her, too, usually more than my friends! But there's one problem... I'm not sexually attracted to her I don't think.Our sex life is okay, but I basically do it just to make her happy. She's a very attractive girl (as everyone tells me, too), but every time I see a girl of my "ideal", I just worry that I'm missing out.Btw, I'm by no means a picky guy. I have this "want" to be with a girl that's shorter, dark skin, dark hair (italian looking) because it's what attracts me to a girl. My gf is very light skinned and just the opposite. I don't know what to do!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): I really feel for you I know what it's like to be in love with someone and not feel attracted to them, but I also know what it's like to have great sex with someone I'm not in love with. Both are hell.
The truth is, coming from the female point of view, your girlfriend would be so hurt if she knew you were even looking around and finding other women more attractive than her. You WILL eventually cheat on her and that will break her heart and possibly after years of her life are spent thinking you were the one. Or you will live with this horrible guilt and keep trying to keep it together. Once again both are hell.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2007): i understand where you're coming form, except from a girl's perspective. i generally live life by the second and just go with my gut feeling. thats why i ended up breaking up with my boyfriend who was the oppossite of me-he was quite pale,blonde hair when i liked brown etc., even though i LOVED his personality. being half italian,i am naturally tanned and have dark hair, and normally have always dated that type. i really almost loved this guy,but i felt like i was stopping him having a better relationship with someone else out there who could care for him better than myself,so ended it (after a long conversation with him about it lol). i kind of regret it now,because i cared for him so much,but im living with it and i really believe it was the right thing to do. life is full of hard decisions,best not to get too hept up about them really. hope this helps :) xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): I can see your point of view bellocuore... you can be with someone wonderful but still feel that you want something more or just different. It may not be that you're vain or anything like that. It may just be that although your girlfriend is wonderful, you just aren't as attracted to her or she's just not the one for you. Many people are compatable but not meant to be. I don't mean that you should just break up with her but perhaps you should stop feeling guilty for feeling that way. Think about your relationship, what you like about it and what you will miss if you break it off. If you feel that the sacrifices are worth ending the relationship then do what is in your heart. However, keep end mind that you might one day regret this decision so don't take it lightly and make sure that your reasons are legitimate (ie: something is missing but i can't really put my finger on it or I just don't feel she's right for me) and not too superficial (ie i don't like her hair color). Your feelings are common, they don't make you a bad person, but if you make them the only reason that you break up, you may end up regretting that decision later. best of luck.
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male
reader, bellocuore +, writes (14 December 2006):
bellocuore is verified as being by the original poster of the questionby tanned girl, i didn't mean a girl who goes tanning and looks fake (to the girl who mentioned this). I meant generally darker complexions in girls, like myself, olive color skin dark hair, etc.
maybe i'm just thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I just spent the weekend with my gf and she's just so great, we see eye to eye on everything and get a long so well..
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male
reader, Learning2Love +, writes (14 December 2006):
 What we usually find attractive in a woman is the opposite of what we are or grew up with, but that's not necessarily who we settle down with. Take me for eg. I'm an olive skinned guy (I tan easily, thanks to my southern european genes), and I find fair skin women very attractive, they also tend to be alot more relaxed than the fire breathing women, I grew up with - although they too can be quite hot - but I want peace in my life and thats why I think subconciously I desire fair skinned and temperate women.
But I believe you must set your gf free, she doesn't deserve to waist the best years of her life with someone who isn't totally devoted to her.
You might find then, that you've regretted it, but that's the chance you have to take. Otherwise you'll resent her for something that's your own doing.
Good luck, I hope you make the right choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): Bellocuore, I understand your plight. People can say that looks aren't everything and that personality comes first, yaddi yadda, but I'm going to be the DA on this one again and say that it's totally acceptible and it doesn't even have to mean you're superficial. On the contrary, I understand what you mean by a 'certain taste'.
Throughout some of my person-to-person and net-to-net correspondences, I have come across some of the most beautiful women out there that fit my 'certain palate' in the physical department, AS WELL as entertain the wit, humor, and intelligence throughout our conversations and encounters. Personally, I prefer darker women - black women totally mesermizes me in most instances.
It's true that some of the commentors here have expressed that you may not find someone as caring and considerate as her again, but that concept coincides with every issue in this world. If you stay with you, you might be very happy and satisfied, but might continue to wonder about what could be with others. If you don't stay with her, and you end up going through the next 60 years jumping from one certain appeal for a girl with character to the next over and over again, you might then regret on how you left your now gf.
However, in this case, when you say you're not sexually attracted to her because of her looks, I ponder on how that could be the case if indeed she is such a great person. Maybe in fact, she is better suited to you as a close sister, rather than a lover?
What I mean is that I have been very sexually turned on by some women out there that do not fit my personal preference in the looks department, BUT with their personality, charm, and daringness, I had become very 'disturbed' whenever they're in my presence. I find myself equally attracted to physical attire and personal wit and charm. So maybe your gf is lacking in personality?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): your taste in girls? since when was it all about looks, you say she is a nice girl and all but all your worried about his her appearance and that she does not fit your standard. all I have to say is fine go for some tanned fake looking chick, in 50 years you will be wishing you stayed wiht your g/f because atleast in the future she is not going to look like a wrinkled up prune. your the type of guy that makes men look bad
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male
reader, bellocuore +, writes (14 December 2006):
bellocuore is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers guys/girls. Well, i've always liked girls liked that (that look). But in senior year in HS i met her and found out she liked me and that kind of just started it. And about how looks might be there, but personality isn't on "the other side"... the reason i'm curious is that maybe there is someone out there with such a great personality AND i'm physically attracted to. i'm just stuck here =\
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female
reader, Cool Cucumber  +, writes (13 December 2006):
 Makes me wonder why you are with her if you prefer darker skinned/haired ladies. What attracted you to her in the first place? If this attraction has now dissappeared it's time to evaluate what you want. Ultimately how does she feel? You can't be in a relationship if you are having doubts. You are still so young, if you were seriously in love with this girl then you wouldn't be wondering what if...? The grass is not alwas greener on the other side. Granted, you might find a nice Italian girl, one who really gets you going in the sexual way, but what about her personality? After the initial sexual attraction has worn off what have you got left? What about her temperament? Latin girls can be quite hot tempered...different culture etc...have you considered this? I guess if you are not sure about what you want and who you want to be with, you'll have to end the relationship with your current girlfriend as it's not fair to string her along if you have doubts. Better now then further down the line or if you were to get hitched!!!
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male
reader, bellocuore +, writes (13 December 2006):
bellocuore is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe i'm not explaining it right, it's difficult. She's very attractive, as everyone tells me. So it's not that my standards are high at all, she's beautiful. But i'm not physically attracted to her, as my taste in girls is completely different (looks and attractiveness wise). I could like a girl that wasn't nearly as attractive as she is, but fits more into the kind of girl that attracts me (italian looking girl)
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male
reader, Dolomite +, writes (13 December 2006):
Is it possible that you are falling for the "grass is always greener" ideal? That it is not that the individual attriubutes taht attract you to other women but that they are different from what you already have?
Or is it possible that things ahve gone a bit stale in the bedroom between you and your girlfiend?
Try spicing things up a little, maybe with some roleplaying. Pretend to be other people, characters or even just strangers meeting in a bar. Put some real effort into it, wear costumes/disguises etc. You'll have a little fun, and it can help you decide if you are really attracted to a specific type of woman, or just someone different from your girlfriend.
Once you have figured that out, you will need to make some decisions on what is most important to you in a partner and act accordingly.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2006): Looks aren't everything and they don't last forever don't forget... Ok they can get plastic surgery/dye their hair to enhance them but again that only works for a certain amount of time....
You say your not "picky" but yet here you are comparing your g/f to your "ideal girl" which isn't really fair on her either if you think about it??
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