A
female
age
30-35,
*hey
writes:Hey, my boyfriend is 15years older than me. I am 21 and he is 36, I I think I might be falling for him, im not exactly in love as yet I dont want to get to that point yet and then I get heartbroken again. Here is the problem, he has 4 kids the oldest is 13,i have never met her before, and the second daughter is 5years I also have not met her before. The last two kids I have met them and they have been at my house and I was able to interact with them. They are 4years (girl) and the last child is 2(boy). I only have 1child,my son is 4years. My boyfriend just recently moved in with me,he has been in and out of jail, I do believe that some ppl can change, and I grew to like him a lot. but I think he's using me, I don't work for much money but when I can give I do. I don't drive so he takes me to work and he takes me to the store whenever I need to go I put gas in his car I pay his phone bill I pay all my bills but he is so unappreciative he complains and says that he wants to make your own money but he's always ask me for money I really do feel like he's using me what should I do I care about him so much but its hard for me to let him go
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 June 2013):
 He sounds like such a prize. How many baby mommies do you deal with 2 3 or 4? THAT alone is very telling.
Yes people can change but having 4 children with different mothers is not a mistake, it’s a lifestyle… ONE child is one thing… 4 shows direct disregard for behaving in a responsible manner. You have not met the 13 yr old or the 5 yr old… perhaps their mothers are wise enough to keep him away from the children? What’s his excuse for not seeing ALL of his children?
HE has been IN AND OUT of jail. Again, ONE mistake is forgivable, a PATTERN of jail time (MORE THAN ONE ARREST and conviction) is indicative of poor lifestyle choices in general.
You say people can change… what was he in jail for? Drinking? If so does he NOT drink now? If he still drinks, then he has not changed… same for drugs…. Or was it stealing? Beating up someone? Was he jailed more than once for the same thing?
WHAT makes you think all of a sudden now magically at 36 he’s changed enough? Does he drink or do drugs?
HE moved in WITH YOU… WHO is paying your rent? IF you are in Section 8 housing and he’s not on your lease when you get found out you will LOSE your housing… they are really cutting back on housing and trust me they will try to find a way to make you lose it, is he worth that?
You are 21 you don’t work for much money and he’s living with you… why would YOU give HIM money???? WHY would YOU put gas in his car? WHAT does he do for you?
Stop paying his bills
Stop supporting him (make him pay rent and board)
WHAT part of a man who is unappreciative and complains and asks YOU for money do you care about?
i hope you are on very good birth control and not risking your home by having him around.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (7 June 2013):
get out of there, with your kid fast. if hes living in your place then you need to call the police and they will remove him
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): I'm glad you are looking at this with reason and realize that he may be using you. Don't wait until you're in too deep to address issues that may be considered a deal-breaker under the usual circumstances.Instinctively, I think you already know. Put your feelings on hold, and continue to observe things. Money is already an issue and there are five children involved. You're paying bills for him; and he has to support children from another relationship. Your primary concern in your life is your son; and whatever is in his best interest.If helping your boyfriend doesn't put a strain on you, then help as long as it doesn't hurt. When it hurts, there is a problem. Learn to say "I can't afford to do that right now." If he gets angry, consider that a huge red-flag.He knows you have a son to support. If he has kids of his own, he knows they come first. If he isn't keeping up his end of the finances; then you need to consider giving him time to get his act together. I see problems on the horizon.I think you do too.You can't afford to pay his bills. If helping him deprives you and your son of anything you both need, there's your answer. Love is a wonderful thing; but you're a mom and you know who is your first priority without question. As a parent,you know what sacrifices you must make. You've done well so far.I can see pitching in here and there; but it shouldn't become your responsibility to hold up both ends. Whatever you put in for him, he should replace. It should only be a favor; otherwise, you both should be sharing your expenses. You are not in a full-fledged relationship yet.That leaves you room to back-out gracefully. Or at least for the moment.Yes, everyone can change. However; as a man, he should be breaking his back not to require you to handle any of his financial responsibilities. In fact, he should be helping you. Until expenses can be split in half; you should keep living arrangements separate. He made some mistakes that limited his ability to earn enough to support his own children, and anyone else he brings into his life. I see the financial burden already shifting your way. The stress will tear any relationship apart. He has some things he needs to workout before he can settle down with you. He needs to get his job situation in order and handle his own family.You should take a bus to work, or get a friend to drive you.For the time being, don't become dependent on his car.If you get a boyfriend, your situation all around should be better than it was before. (You're supposed to be partners.) If it isn't, that's a sure sign that you need to wait.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (6 June 2013):
 Make a plan for what each person will contribute to the living expenses. Talk it out with each other and try to make sure both of you have an open mind. Also, be sure that it is a good time to discuss it mentally and environmentally (no distractions).
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 June 2013):
You don't have to let him go, just stop letting him use you (or do things that make you feel used). If he leaves then you know he really was using you. If he stays then he may not be intentionally using you.
Keep in mind that the purpose of a relationship is to have a partner, so a certain amount of "using" is perfectly natural. BUT, you shouldn't feel like you're being used, you should feel more like a team.
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A
female
reader, lovee4jay +, writes (5 June 2013):
hey Honey. I think that you need to lay down some boundaries because first of all you are an adult and he doesnt have the right to run you. I also think that you need to tell him to get his own job because it no just your responsibility to pay all the bills so what if he drives you around he can help you by payin some ills too. That is not the one for you honey sorry to break it to you.
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