A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, some advice please.My boyfriend has always been slightly sexist- men do this better, women shouldn't do that job, etc. It never caused a problem between us, and sometimes was rather sweet when he would act really chivalrous. However this seems to have progressed into fully blow mysogny. He actually seems to hate women. We have been together 4 years. And I love him dearly, but this is making me feel as though I hate him. Some examples of his recent comments: The main one, repeated quite a lot- "women are stupid"He'll say this when we argue, when I get upset, when I forget something, basically when I'm not "perfect". He'll tell me frequently he doesn't listen to women.When were watching Chat shows, were people air problems such as "my husband cheated with my sister" for example, it will always be the woman's fault, cos men don't do that without a lot of encouragement. Basically, all problems in the world are women's fault. Whatever the man has done in a relationship, it's the woman who doesn't deserve him. But the deal breaker tonight which I guess was the final straw was when we saw a story about a woman who'd been gang raped. He then came out with no women could be raped If she didn't truly want it. Oh, hs has started referring to most women as "bitch" or "that bitch". Ranging from people on TV, To his doctor, To women we interact with on a daily basis. This is not something that was there before, it's something that has progresses and to be honest it's sickening me.So any ideas why he has suddenly become like this?. Also what would you do? We have had, and Still isualy have a great relationship. It would be hard to walk out that's for sure. Is there ny way I can help change his mind? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): I'll put my advice into a popular cheer thar we cheerleaders do at my school.
D-U-M-P A-S-S you put the "his sorry" in the the middle and you've got the best! (clap, clap)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 November 2011):
 you can't change him.
he has always been like this he just kept it better hidden until now.
folks are often on their best behavior in the beginning parts of a relationship.
If you have talked to him about it and he does not see a problem with it then you may want to consider if you can make this work forever...
oh and get a nice wooden stick and show him how women can be raped without consent...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): This happened to me, but it emerged a lot sooner. When I met the guy, he seemed wonderful. He would occasionally make some vaguely sexist joke but I just couldn't even believe that he would think things like that. Then it got a little bit worse, he started calling women names, and if a woman cut him up when he was driving, it was always because she was a stupid bitch who shouldn't be on the road. One evening I told him about a book I'd read about violence towards women, and he said it sounded like his kind of thing. He went on to say that he doesn't actually like women, that he thinks they are manipulative and cry rape to get revenge on men or to get money. He was always into rough sex, but it quickly went from rough to violent, involving rape fantasies, and one night I felt like he was actually raping me. I found it difficult to stand up for myself, because I don't think I could ever change his mind about this, so I had to stop seeing him instead. I have a feeling that you are far more involved with your boyfriend than I was with this guy, and have much more of a history. So I'm sorry that things have turned out this way, but I really think you have to leave him. It will only get worse, and he might turn out to be violent. He's showing you his true colours more and more, and he could be dangerous.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 November 2011):
 ... He sounds horrible. I don't know if his chivalry really makes up for it, because the second something bad happens it is YOUR fault, and if you ever need his support you wont get it because its YOUR fault. And God forbid you were gang raped. It's YOUR fault then too, isn't it?
How can you ever go to him for support or comfort, when he looks down at you this way, and all women for that matter? He IS a misogynist, and he'll break you down into his doormat. The fact that you have stuck with him through him calling women stupid is you accepting this behavior. You let him think this is ok with you. Do you ever stand up for yourself, or for women?
And whenever you have an argument I suppose you don't have a say in it, as the man knows best?
Is this a life? To be constantly called stupid (because yes, its YOU he calls stupid when he says women are stupid, you are a woman, hence YOU are the stupid one), and you take this insult day after day.
So, what exactly makes up for him treating you like you are below him? Does he buy you pretty flowers or something that makes up for him thinking you are as useful as a chimpanzee?
Your best shot at changing him is standing up for yourself and show him that this "superior" attitude wont be getting him anywhere. But as long as you stay with him you are telling him that this is ok, that you ARE stupid, that you accept the verbal abuse, the disrespect, because you aren't worth anything better. He'll get worse. Next thing you know he smacks you for being such a "stupid woman", and it'll be your fault, because men don't ever do anything wrong, the women asked for it....
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 November 2011):
 It is Very unlikely that you can change his mind.
In fact he hinted at this side of his character in the relationship. You were aware that he was "slightly sexist" at the outset.
He is showing you who he really is, now that he feels relaxed and comfortable enough to show the true "who he really is".
The sad part is that a misogynist Dinosaur is likely to become more boreish and worse as he ages. Not something to look forward to.
It is sad that it took 4 years to reveal all this.
Guys know to hide these out of date views today. But most can't keep up the pretence forever.
If he really wanted to change that would be a different matter. But you would not want him to put on a false persona for another 4 years and then find he was even worse in 4 years time.
Most of all it is the aggressive just simmering below the surface that worries me the more than anything else. And pushed a little bit more and it would not take much to revesal that simmering aggression.
For your own long term happiness I would suggest that you have a private think and ask yourself, if he becomes more
extreme in his views, then "what could this become?"
Your happiness and your safety are paramount. He may seem mostly just a little bit approaching a misogynist now. But if his direction becomes more extreme then you may not feel so comfortable with him. On that basis I suggest you reconsider your position, if you feel he will not change, and may get worse?
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (6 November 2011):
 Does your partner watch a lot of porn?? I'm just curious as to where he got his attitude from. Your options are to leave, or to challenge him on every pre-conceived idea he has. I hope you stood up to him and counter argued his ideas. If not, start doing it. Tell him what is acceptable to you and what is not. Tell him if he doesn't buck his ideas up, then you will leave him. You have a voice, please use it and stand up to him. If he carries on like this, then I guess you'll leave him anyway. Who wants a relationship with a misogynist??
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 November 2011):
 No you can't change his mind, you can only change yourself. Meaning change boyfriends. You don't want to spend time with someone who believes women want to be raped and that bitch is a synonym for woman. Dump this self-centered bigot.
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